bipolar disorder – Page 2 – Healing with Harotian

September 24, 2018September 21, 2018

Motivation Monday: What is Mania To You?

Hey Friends,

In my last post, Sometimes We’re Not Who We Think We Are, I discussed how I was experiencing a manic episode. It was a proud moment because, since my diagnosis, this is the first time I’ve been able to recognize it and be proactive before I did something I would regret later.

Today, I would like to talk about how I got through it and signs that you may see in your loved ones that they may be struggling with the same illness. Most times, it’s more helpful if you are able to see the signs first and present them with it versus seeing the signs and not saying anything at all.

Related Post: She Must Be Crazy– How to Approach A Loved One Who May Have A Mental Illness

First, let me explain WHAT IS A MANIC EPISODE?

According to Psychology.org, a manic episode is a symptom of Bipolar Disorder in which one experiences “a mood state characterized by a period of at least one week.”

Signs of a Manic Episode

“I’m Totally Fried, Man!”- Feeling wired, jumpy, and more upbeat than normal
“Not So Sleeping” Beauty – You have a decreased need for sleep

3. “Natual Beer Goggles” – You have an exaggerated sense of well being; always in a euphoric state of mind. You feel untouchable

4. “Chatty Cathy” – You are extremely talkative about any and everything. You begin speaking really fast as if you are unable to get your words out fast enough

5. “You Said What Now?” – You are easily distracted. You are unable to stay on one topic or project at a time. You jumped from one thing to another without skipping a beat.

6. “I’m Feelin’ Friskay” – Bluntly put…you feel the need to have sex all of the time; hypersexuality.

Now, the above are just average symptoms. Some people experience all of them, some people experience only some of them. Just to give you an idea, below are the symptoms that I experience.

How did I recognize that I was manic?

I began coming up with “brilliant” ideas that are exaggerated and unreasonable to everyone else
I started to spend money on things that we didn’t need as a family (when normally I am a penny pincher).
I found myself talking really fast about any and everything. I also began shaking while talking (which is new).
I started taking on a bunch of new projects and assignments that in essence, started to become overwhelming. Once one project became overwhelming, I would quit it and start a new one.
I began thinking about things that would destroy my family; I began seeking attention from other people besides my husband (I didn’t act on any, thank you, Jesus).

There are so many ways that you can get through a manic episode because once it is over, you will experience a fall of deep depression. For me, I have to prepare myself and my family for it.

How Do I Get Through A Manic Episode?

I inform my healthcare team – I immediately let my husband know what I was going through and the things I need him to do to support me through it. I involve him because truthfully, I need help with monitoring my behavior. A lot of times, I don’t remember things that I have said or done. So, open communications and complete transparency is necessary.
I DO NOT make any major decision – I relinquish complete control to my husband. I communicate with other people who may ask me to make major decisions. I simply tell them that I am unable to decide at that time. Usually, people are understanding. Use your own decretion on whether or not you want to share why.
I attend support groups in my area – It is important NOT to isolate yourself. When I isolate myself, I convince myself to do all kinds of unhealthy activities. It’s healthy to talk things out around people who understand so they can say, “yea, maybe that’s not such a good idea.”
I prepare yourself for the “deep depression” fall – Everyone is different. For me, when I fall, I fall hard. I isolate. I withdraw. I stop eating. I stop living. Since I know this about myself I prepare by:
1. Communicating with my husband about my needs
2. Set five goals that I will meet per day no matter what. Even if it’s as simple as brushing my teeth and washing my face.
3. Walk outside (even if it’s to the car and back)
4. Not putting pressure on myself to get better.

Bipolar Disorder is real but extremely manageable. If you have it or if you a have a loved one who has it, know that your life isn’t over. I pray that this explanation helps. I will be praying for everyone who is struggling. Please email me at HarotianEssentials@yahoo.com if you have a prayer request for you or your loved one who is struggling or if you just want to talk or have questions.

Thank you for all your time. I love you all and please remember to pray for one another.

“You are not your illness. You have an individual story to tell. You have a name, a history, a personality. Staying yourself is part of the battle.” ~ Julian Seifter

**Pics and Gifs are borrowed from Google**

September 4, 2018

September Theme: Who Are We To God?

Hey Friends,

This morning, I was thinking about how much we mean to God. Why does he love us so much? Why are we the center of God’s universe?

Did you know that God created us specifically to be with Him?

Then God said, “Let us make human beings in our image, to be like us.” -Genesis 1:26a (emphasis added)

We were made exactly how the Holy Trinity wanted us to be. We were made to be like them. How amazing is that? Did you notice that God said us? Before the beginning of time, God knew exactly how he wanted us to be. This is also why building and maintaining relationships with each other is so important to God.

He loves us so much that he gives us the best gifts a Father can give. He knows the struggles that we face and will always face. He knows that we have an enemy that is constantly after our immortal souls.

God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the goods things he planned for us long ago. -Ephesians 2:8-10

Our lives aren’t about what we can do for ourselves. Our lives are about how we can serve our Abba Father. God only wants us to pursue a relationship with him. That’s all he has ever wanted from us. And when we mess up, he is always there to forgive us and help us to move forward.

We are not our mistakes. We are not our past. We are the children of God…made in his image, to reign forever with him in heaven.

Thank you, God, for the gift of salvation and righteousness. Thank you for putting us above all else, and loving us despite our flaws. Thank you for sacrificing your son, Jesus Christ, to make sure that we receive what you created us for…to live with you for eternity in heaven.

Thank you all for reading my thoughts today. Right now, it is important to me that I understand who I am to God and why I’m so important to him. Maybe if I understand the love he has for me, then I will have the same love for myself. Please remember to pray for one another. Stay safe.

God bestows His blessings without discrimination. The followers of Jesus are children of God, and they should manifest the family likeness by doing good to all, even to those who deserve the opposite. -F.F. Bruce

**Pics borrowed from google**

August 21, 2018August 21, 2018

Do You Have High Self-Worth or High Self-Esteem?

Hello Friends,

Yesterday, I gave an example of how I struggle with self-worth (click HERE). Many people do not realize that there is a difference between self-worth and self-esteem. Self-esteem is how much you THINK you’re worth, while self-worth is what you are ACTUALLY worth.

The world will trick you into believing that self-esteem is more important than self-worth. Self-esteem is measured by what you have financially, economically, socially, and physically. While self-worth is measured by the fact that God sacrificed his only son so that we can be saved from eternal damnation.

Let’s go over the facts…

God created everything (Genesis 1)…

God created man to rule over all creatures of the earth (Genesis 1:26)

God provides food and water for all plants and animals on earth (Psalm 147:8-9) We see proof of this everytime we walk outside and hear birds chirping, leaves blowing in the wind, grass sprouting in our front yards, and sunrise/sunsets.

If he loves even the smallest creatures enough to provide food for them to survive, then can you imagine how much he loves the creatures that he put in charge of said small plants and animals? He even loves those ugly bugs that you see in the seal of your window during the summer months.

It shouldn’t matter what others think of us because the world has a bad habit of lowering our self-esteem in order to make itself feel better. For some reason, people only feel better about themselves when others feel worse about themselves. It’s a paradox that has us stuck in a cruel cycle.

Here are ways that you can FIND YOUR SELF WORTH

Know your strengths and weakness
- Related Post: Weakness Is Strength
- What comes easily to you?
- What would you like to do?
Become more aware of yourself
- remove distractions
- stop comparing yourself to other people
- try to face the hard truths about yourself
Be courageous
- Related Post: Why You Should Believe You’ll Be Just Fine
- face your fears
- be honest about your likes/dislikes
- find what motivates you/discourages you
Learn and reflect on your past and present mistakes to make a better future
- understand that self-awareness is a lifelong journey
- ask yourself-
- - What happened?
- - What could I have done better?
- - Where did I go wrong?
- - Where did I go right?
- - What I can do better next time?
Try new things
- embrace the word “yes”
- go outside of your comfort zone

Find the oppurtunities that exist. Create the ones that don’t

Use all of your available resources
- internet
- textbooks
Improve yourself by investing in yourself
- Related Post: Unapologetically Living Life
Think, Reflect, Accept, Action
Ask yourself- What’s affecting your awareness of self-worth?
Avoid negative thoughts
- Related Post: Journey to Forgiving Yourself
- Retrain your thoughts
- See yourself as God sees you
Connect with other positive people
- Related Post: How I Got Rid of Toxic People In My Life
- join a small or large group
Create attainable goals:
- Related Post: Steps to Manifesting Your Goals
- Check them off one by one
- It doesn’t matter how big of a step you take, as long as it’s in the right direction

Thank you all for reading my thoughts. I pray that each and every one of you allow God to show you His awesome love so you can know that you are more than worthy of it. Please remember to pray for one another and I pray that you are having a wonderful start to your Tuesday.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. -Psalm 139:14

**pictures belong to google**

August 14, 2018October 9, 2018

Progress, Not Perfection

Good Day Everyone!

Wow, it feels great to write again. I had to take a break in order to concentrate on the things that are truly important, my family. I know what you’re thinking…Ashley, you’ve sung this same song before in Goodbye For Now and then came back a week later…But this time was different. 🙂 When I would take breaks, I would come back prematurely. This last time, I had to really focus on my family. They needed me and I needed them.

This past winter, my primary goal was to become healthier, physically and mentally. During that journey, I become selfish (which was much needed). I had to concentrate on my health so I could take care of my family and with Gods help, that is exactly what happened.

I feel so much better than I did earlier this year. Please read some of my stories to understand some of the emotional and physical hurt I was going through.

I’ve continued to seek God and as he promised, he has taken care of me. I no longer think about suicide or hurting myself as an option when I experience extreme stress. With the help of Jesus, medication, and family support, I can officially say I am doing great.

Don’t get me wrong, there are days that are really hard. There are days that I wake up extremely sad and unable to explain why. There are days that the Evil One tries to penetrate my thoughts with past guilt, shame, and worthlessness, but then I remember the promises of God.

I am LOVED – John 14:23
I am WORTHY – Psalm 139:13-15
I am FORGIVEN – Ephesians 4:32
I am HIS – 1 John 4:4

And guess what?

YOU ARE, TOO!

My kids started school today and it hit me, life is really happening. They are at a tender age where they see and understand everything that I do. They have started to ask “why” questions. Why are you crying, mom? Why can’t you leave the bed, mom? Why does your body hurt? And with help, those questions have been less frequent thanks to our Abba Faher. Plus, Jesus is so wonderful.

So, my new goal is to get back to the goals that I had before I became ill.

Grow my blog
Serve my family
Serve Gods people

Thank you all for reading my thoughts and continuing my journey with me. It is so important to me that you guys see the growth that happens when one commits themselves to become healthy by any means necessary; God, medication (optional) and support. Remember, progress is important, not perfection.

I pray you all are having a wonderful start to your week. I cannot wait to share with you the things that I have learned during my hiatus. Until then, love you all and remember to pray for one another.

But you belong to God, my dear children. You have already won a victory over those people, because the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world. -1 John 4:4

June 6, 2018June 6, 2018

Being Eeyore At A Tigger Party

Hello Friends,

If you are unfamiliar, Eeyore is a character in the Winnie-the-Pooh books by A. A. Milne. He is well known for his gloomy, depressed personality. Truthfully speaking, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized why Eeyore was my favorite character out of all the others. I could relate. No matter what was going on, he was sad. The difference between Eeyore and I was that I felt the need to mask my sadness, even as a child.

I remember being told a few times throughout my life that “no one wanted to be around someone who was sad all of the time.” This forced me to put on such “mask” because I didn’t want to be shunned by society. Honestly, I love people. I love the energy that people provide, I love their smiles, I love helping them when they are in need, I love humanity as a whole. So, I did what I had to do to be a part of society. I hid. Hiding created anxiety because I didn’t want to be discovered. I didn’t want anyone; family, friends, co-workers, God…to see my sadness. I needed everyone to know I was ok, like everyone else. But let me tell you, once you suppress something long enough, it would eventually bubble to the surface. Trust me.

Recently, I’ve been faced with social anxiety. My sadness has reared it’s ugly head and I can no longer contain it with my own strength (if you guys haven’t been able to notice), thus causing extreme anxiety. Sadness is not something I can’t control, nor is it something that I voluntarily chose to have (like some would like to think). This is why it is called a “mental illness”.

My church started offering a social event called, Parents Connect. It’s a night where parents come together once a month, without their children, and socialize. I tried to attend the first event. I drove the twelve minutes to get there, grabbed my purse, stepped out of my car, checked the rearview mirror to see if I had anything on my face, walked to the door, and looked through the window like a creep. I suddenly felt the need to turn around and run (which I did, well more of a fast paced walked). My palms became sweaty, I began to shake and tremble. It was horrible. It was the beginning of a full-blown anxiety attack. I saw all of those parents who were well dressed, smiling, laughing, enjoying themselves. Honestly, I just felt like I wouldn’t fit in. So, I ran. Sat in my car for the next hour reading a book…in the church parking lot because I was too ashamed to come home and tell my husband that I couldn’t handle it.

How did Eeyore do it? How was he so sad all of the time, yet was able to have fun with Tigger and the rest of his friends during social events? If you are unfamiliar with Tigger, he is also a character in Winnie-the-Pooh. His personality was very exuberant, friendly, and energetic. The complete opposite of Eeyore. I believe the reason why Eeyore was able to be sad but still have friends was that he didn’t put on a mask. He didn’t have to suppress his sadness because that’s just who he was. He accepted it and his friends did too.

Which brings me to my next point, anxiety just isn’t anxiety. Anxiety is the result of a deeper, rooted issue. For me, my rooted issue is fear. Fear of being discovered. Fear of judgement. Fear of rejection. When I saw the other parents living it up like it was 1999, I was afraid. I was afraid that I would walk in like Eeyore at a Tigger party, except they would judge me or treat me like a leaper because “no one likes to be around a person who is sad all of the time.” So I ran and spent time with the only person I knew wouldn’t judge me; Jesus. If you thought I was going to say myself, that would have been a whole lie because I judge myself all of the time.

I’ve been feeling really anxious lately, but then God revealed to me it is due to fear. Once I thought about it, I couldn’t help but agree. I am truly afraid. I’m afraid all of the time. I’m afraid for my children’s future. I’m afraid of what people may say about my appearance or health. I’m afraid of certain family members and their judgement. I’m afraid of the choices I’ve made and the result of them. I’m afraid that I may never get better. Any of this sound familiar? If not, it wouldn’t surprise me that I’m the only crazy worrying about this kind of nonsense because let’s be honest, who cares what people think? Or better yet, why do I care? Because I’ve always cared. It’s been a driving factor in my life to do well and be in the “elite class” of humanity. And when I fall short, I am judged, thus creating fear. I wish I wasn’t like this. I pray every day for the Lord to take it away, but then if I don’t have it, will I still have the passion that I have for humanity as a whole? Ok, I think I’m going down a rabbit hole with this one.

Louie Giglio, a pastor at Passion City Church, wrote, “The antidote to fear is faith, and the soundtrack of faith is worship.” When we are feeling fearful or anxious, this is the time to draw closer to God.

We must remind ourselves that he is able by refocusing on him and his plan for our lives. Did you know that in the Bible, God tells us to “fear not” 366 times? That’s every day of the year including leap year. Fear and anxiety is not something we are supposed to carry.

It is easy to say, I will not let fear reign over me when it feels like my chest has an elephant sitting on it. I have to remind myself that God says, “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11

I know his plans for me aren’t to walk around in fear, that’s what Satan wants. He is not of God of fear, but a God of mercy and righteousness. His gift of grace does not include fear, anxiety, depression, addiction, anger, hopelessness, rejection, nor judgment. Those are the enemies tricks and lies.

But now God has shown us a way to be made right with him without keeping the requirements of the law, as was promised in the writings of Moses^[a] and the prophets long ago. ²²We are made right with God by placing our faith in Jesus Christ. And this is true for everyone who believes, no matter who we are.

²³For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard.²⁴Yet God, in his grace, freely makes us right in his sight. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins. -Romans 3:21-24

Next time you feel anxious about anything, I recommend you to do two things: (1.) Find the root of the anxiety so whatever fruit you bear will be free of it (2.) Draw nearer to Jesus because he bore that fear and punishment for you on the cross. Give it to God!

Remember, as I stated Prayer Is The Best Medicine. Pray for yourself, pray for others, pray for those in need, which is everyone! We all need Jesus. I love you all and have a wonderful day.

May 28, 2018May 28, 2018

Mental and Physical Illness Is My Thorn

Hey Friends,

Today I want to talk about something that has been on my heart to share. So I decided since I am kidless for the next couple of hours, I would take this opportunity to allow the Holy Spirit to use me to speak to you. That’s if you have time to read it, of course.

So, here’s goes. Self-pity is a very real entity in my life. It is for a lot of people, but very few will admit it. I’m sure everyone has gone through a moment of despair and uncertainty and have asked, “Why me? Why is this happening to me? I’m a good person. I don’t deserve this.” Whether it’s a loss of a loved one or possession, job, or when dealing with an unexpected unfortunate event, such as mental and/or physical illness.

There are so many times, I have asked God, “What did I do to deserve this?” I originally anchored my illness to the idea that it was punishment for all of the horrible things I have done over the years. And it seemed that he would never answer me back. He would only give me tools to get through whatever “crisis” that I was experiencing to get through it, such as, bible scriptures, support from my family and friends, and as of lately, support from my church elders.

There are two scriptures that I have learned to “lean on” during times of self-pity, just in case you’re feeling pitiful right now…

Jeremiah 29:11

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”

Proverbs 3:5-6

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.”

One day, last week, during a moment of “why me?”, I felt God said, “Baby, stop whining and come here. Let me tell you why this is happening.” Or at least that’s how I interpreted it. I’m sure God was so much kinder and gentler, but it was almost like a smack upside the head.

The Holy Spirit lead me to 2 Corinthians 12, where it talks about the visions and revelations that God gave to Paul about heaven (2 Corinthians 12:3-4). Paul says, “…that I was caught up to paradise and heard things so astounding that they cannot be expressed in words, things no human is allowed to tell.”

Heaven is also described in Isaiah 6:1, which states, “It was in the year King Uzziah died that I saw the Lord. He was sitting on a lofty throne, and the train of his robe filled the Temple.” and also in Revelation 4, which John describes seeing “a throne in heaven and someone sitting on it. The one sitting on the throne was as brilliant as gemstones…and the glow of an emerald circled his throne like a rainbow.” In verse 6, John also described “…in front of the throne was a shiny sea of glass, sparkling like a crystal.”

Paul then goes on to say that God gave him a thorn in his flesh to prevent him from becoming too proud, or full of himself. In other words, Paul was forced to be uncomfortable to remain humble with all of the wonderful blessings that he was receiving (2 Cor. 12: 7-9). Paul even states that his visions are worth boasting about, but he doesn’t want to do it because then it would take away from the fact that it was because of God’s grace that he was able to have such beautiful visions in the first place. Talk about humility.

In verse 8, Paul states that he asked God three times to remove the thorns. And do you know what God said…

2 Corinthians 12:9

“Each time he said, ‘My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.'”

When I first read this, I was like, “wait, what?” I need a little bit more than that Lord. I need money, I need health insurance, I need peace of mind. But then I learned the meaning of God’s grace.

The Old Testament word describing God’s grace is chesed. This word speaks of deliverance from enemies, affliction, or adversity. It also denotes enablement, daily guidance, forgiveness, and preservation. Grace means God moving heaven and earth to save sinners who could not lift a finger to save themselves. Grace means God sending His only Son to descend into hell on the cross so that we guilty ones might be reconciled to God and received into heaven. –AllAboutGod.com

See 2 Corinthians 5:21, Romans 3:22-24,Ephesians 2:8-10

And that’s not even to the tip of the iceberg. So then I was like…

Then our Abba Father hit me with his Tsunami-sized grace that had me like…

I was weeping like a baby, shouting, “Yes Lord, thank you, Jesus!!” Like Paul said, “That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Cor. 12:10)

So in conclusion (if you’ve made it this far down this extremely long post) I no longer see my mental and physical illness as a punishment, but yet the thorn in my flesh to draw me closer to our Abba Father and help further his agenda of drawing you closer to him as well. To be extremely honest, I wouldn’t have sought an intimate relationship with Jesus if I weren’t sick. I would still be living a life of sin…that good ole nasty, sticky sin, too. You know what I’m talking about.

My friends, if you are going through trials, hardships, loss, persecutions, and troubles as Paul describes, do not fret. Use this opportunity to draw closer to him. He will give you his grace on a platter. He will not only help you through it but restore you and heal you during the aftermath. He promised to never leave, nor forsake us. (Hebrew 13:5)

I love you all. I pray that each and every one of you is having a great start to your week. Happy Memorial Day to all of my United States followers. Stay safe out there.

“So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the LORD your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.” -Deuteronomy 31:6

May 18, 2018May 18, 2018

Funny Friday: The Man and Ostrich

Namaste Friends!

Is it Friday already? I guess it is cause I have a joke for you! I hope everyone is having a wonderful start to their weekend. Please enjoy today’s Funny Friday by SunnyDayz.com

A Guy Walks Into A Restaurant With A Full-Grown Ostrich Behind Him…

The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, “A hamburger, fries, and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”

“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $18.40 please.” The man reaches into his pocket and, without looking, pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the guy and the ostrich come again and the guy says, “A hamburger, fries, and a coke.”

The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”

Again the guy reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until one night they enter the restaurant and the waitress asks, “The usual?”

“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad”, says the guy.

“Me too,” says the ostrich.

The waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $42.62.”

Once again the guy pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the guy, “several years ago I was cleaning my attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the guy.

The waitress asks, “But, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”

The guy sighs and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

May 17, 2018May 17, 2018

The Walking Dead: Ashley Edition

Hello Friends,

So, I’m a little frustrated, to say the least. I made the “mistake” of letting my psychiatrist know that I was having trouble sleeping. So, he did what most psychiatrist would do and prescribed a medication to help with not just depression and anxiety, but insomnia. Its called Sertraline, or commonly known as Zoloft. Right now, I am taking 50mg and he would like for me to increase that to 100mg in two weeks.

I’m frustrated because I am so tired. No, no, no…more like exhausted. I’m walking around like a freaking corpse. I feel like I’m an extra on The Walking Dead.

Right now, I would win an Oscar for best zombie performance in a series. I’m dozing off typing this right now.

I called my doctor today to let him know that I can’t do this. Like, come on man. I have things to do. I have a blog to run, kids to take care of, a house to clean. I can’t spend 20 hours of my day sleeping. It’s so bad, I’m having my husband drive me around because I am afraid I will fall asleep at the wheel.

He originally told me that it could take four to six weeks for my body to become properly adjusted to the medication. So, I just have to hold on strong until then. For now, please pray that I have the energy and strength to get my daily task done and not fall asleep while washing dishes or doing laundry or anything for that matter.

If you are taking medication to help with a condition that you are having, most likely, you are dealing with side effects. I encourage you to be patient during the process of your body adjusting. Some medications come with some pretty severe side effects, so I recommend talking to your physician about them.

The worst thing you can do is to just stop taking them. For anti-depressants, if you immediately stop taking them, you are subject to psychosis and that is a big no-no. Although I am extremely annoyed and frustrated by this process, I know that it is going to help me in the long run. I just have to be patient. If not, I plan on working closely with my healthcare team to make sure we come up with a plan that works for me. I encourage you to do that same.

Thank you so much for reading my thoughts. I pray that you are having a wonderful evening (morning for my overseas friends). I appreciate every like, comment, and share. Stay blessed!

May 16, 2018May 16, 2018

May is Mental Health Awareness

Hey Friends,

So, last week I blogged about how May is Lupus Awareness Month, but many of you may know that it is also Mental Health Awareness month. Fortunately, I struggle with both Lupus and mental illness.

Yep! You read that correctly, I said “fortunately”. Why would I feel fortunate to have both a physical illness and a mental illness? It doesn’t make sense. I must be plum crazy right?

We are confident that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in the comfort God gives us. -2 Corinthians 1:7

Well, if it weren’t for my current circumstance, I would have never found a reason to draw closer to the Lord. Some people like to call it “hitting rock bottom”. I became so depressed, I had no other choice but to seek God’s grace and beg for him to either take the illness’ away or help me cope with it.

Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. -1 Thessalonians 5:18

Lupus Awareness Month

Hey Friends!

This month is officially Lupus Awareness Month. Until I was diagnosed 2 years ago, I really never knew what Lupus was. I’ve heard of it here and there through conversation, like, “Hey, so and so has Lupus.” The only thing I knew about it was that it made you really sick. Now, since it is a struggle that I am now facing, I’ve had to educate myself about it. Ways to live with and cope with this illness, and how to overcome it.

So first, What Is Lupus? If you are a new follower and have never heard of it, Lupus is an inflammatory disease caused when the immune system attacks the healthy tissues in your body.

Lupus can cause:

Organ damage/failure
Inflammation
Swelling
Damage to Joints/Skin/Kidneys/Blood, Heart/Lungs
Other illness’ such as Von Willebrands disease (blood clot disorder), Fibromyalgia, Raynaud’s Disease (numbness in fingers and toes), Cardiovascular disease, etc.

There are 4 different types of Lupus:

Systemic lupus erythematosus, or SLE, is the most common form of lupus.
Discoid lupus erythematosus causes a skin rash that doesn’t go away.
Subacute cutaneous lupus erythematosus causes skin sores on areas of the body exposed to the sun.
Neonatal lupus affects newborns.

Lupus is known as the silent killer. Why? Because most of the time, you become extremely sick before you know anything is wrong. Most times, there are no warning signs. For me, one day, I didn’t feel well. I gradually became sick over a 3 month period. Until finally, I became so ill, I had to stop working.

Please read my Lupus story When It Rains, It Pours

Unfortunately, there is no cure for Lupus, but fortunately, there are ways you can ease your symptoms.

Contact a Rheumatologist if you have any of the above symptoms.
DO NOT take no for answer- There are so many who say that they’ve been to the doctor and they said there was nothing wrong with them. You know your body. You know when something is wrong. Trust your instinct
Please read They Tried to Kill Me!: How To Become Your Own Advocate
Research natural redemies to boost your immune system or just read:

How can you support a loved one with Lupus?

Annoying things to say to a Lupus warrior?

“But you don’t look that sick…” – Looks can be deceiving
“Have you tried…” – We love your suggestions, but trust me, we’ve tried everything
“…but everybody’s tired.” – I get that, but not everyone is “lupus” tired.
“I wish I could spend all day in bed.” – Uhhh, no you don’t!
“You’re STILL sick?” – Uh, yea, bish, it’s Lupus.

Now, when my loved ones say these things, I know they are coming from a place of pure and utter love. Also, it is coming from a place of confusion. Honestly, doctors aren’t even able to fully comprehend what Lupus really is and it’s origin. There are so many unknowns, it would be unfair for anyone to “blame” others for not understanding themselves.

So, here are helpful tips on things you can say to a loved one with lupus

“I understand you couldn’t make it…” – This helps with the guilt we carry for always missing important events and parties
“I’ll be praying for you…” – We sure need it
“What can I do to help…” – I’ve found that most Lupus warriors don’t like accepting help. It hurts an already fragile pride, but knowing that you care helps tremendously.
“I’m going to educate myself more on the topic.” – Just offering support and understanding will lift our spirits. It’ll help us feel less alone.

Lupus is extremely expensive. All of the medications that I take equal up to about $300 per month. If it is in your heart, please donate Ashley’s GoFundMe Medical Expenses. Thank you all in advance for your prayers and well wishes.

Thank you guys for reading my thoughts. Have a wonderfully blessed day. And if you see one, hug a Lupus warrior today!

April 24, 2018April 24, 2018

Music is Life: What Now

Hey Friends,

I would like to share a song by Rihanna from her Unapologetic album, titled What Now. I love singing this song at the top of my lungs when I’m frustrated, hurt, happy, sad, or just in a singing mood. If you’ve never heard this song, I hope you enjoy it. As you know, music is such a huge part of my blogging life. It provides wonderful inspiration and allows me to tap into a place in my heart, I would otherwise try to hide.

What Now by Rihanna

I been ignoring this big lump in my throat
I shouldn’t be crying, tears were for the weak
The days I’m stronger, know what, so I say
That’s something missing

Whatever it is, it feels like it’s laughing at me through the glass of a two-sided mirror
Whatever it is, it’s just sitting there laughing at me
And I just wanna scream

What now? I just can’t figure it out
What now? I guess I’ll just wait it out
What now? Ohhhh what now?

I found the one he changed my life
But was it me that changed
And he just happened to come at the right time
I’m supposed to be in love
But I’m not mugging

Whatever it is, it feels like it’s laughing at me through the glass of a two-sided mirror
Whatever it is, it’s just sitting there laughing at me
And I just wanna scream

What now?…

April 23, 2018April 23, 2018

Why You Should Believe You’ll Be Just Fine

In January 2010, I joined the United States Army. At the time, I was married to my first husband. Hannah and Rj were only 3 and 1 at the time. It was such a hard decision for me, but because of the Army’s benefits, I felt as though it was the best decision for my family. So, I signed up to fight for my country.

During MOS (military occupational specialty) training, while on an FTX (field training exercise), I fractured both sides of my hips and basically wore down the cartilage in my knees. So because I had served less than a year, the US Amry said, “thanks for your service, but you’re no longer needed” and sent my butt home. I was Rick James, for real.

My pride and self-worth were hurt because I felt like the biggest failure. On top of the fact that I can longer justify why I left my kids.

When I returned home and healed a bit, I had to meet with my commanding officers to discuss the honorable discharge that I had received. That is when my sergeant had notified me that as soon as I would have graduated from MOS training, my unit was being deployed to Afghanistan for 12 months.

Talk about relief! My self-pity immediately turned into gratitude. Although I wasn’t able to be a US Army soldier like I originally planned, I wasn’t about to be deployed neither. I later found out that a few of my battle buddies didn’t return home. Y’all, that could have been me!

What’s my point, you ask? Ok, let me get to it before this turns into a novel.

Sometimes in life, we put ourselves down when we are unable to accomplish the goals that we set for ourselves. We become discouraged and even feel worthless. But unbeknownst to us, God is really saving us from disaster. Whether it’s a relationship, marriage, friendship, job opportunity, etc. You never know that the Lord is doing behind the scenes in our lives. This is why we have to trust Him and know that His plan for us is more extravagant than any plan we can possibly have for ourselves.

The Good Book says,

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.” -Proverbs 3:5-6

This verse has been my anchor, especially during this season of my life. I do not understand why things are happening the way that they are happening, but I trust the Lord with all of my heart to not only get me through this season but allow me to become healed.

Things may not make sense to you right now, but trust that God will not only pull you through, but you will come out of the other end stronger. I am living proof!

Stay blessed friends!

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” -Jeremiah 29:11

April 18, 2018April 19, 2018

Thank You Ms. Carey

Today, I received a notification from Apple News that read, “Mariah Carey Once Hospitalized After Believing Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston, & Prince Were Dinner Guest”. Wait! Before you stop reading, this post is NOT celebrity gossip or even my opinion on the matter. I promise, there’s a point.

So, if you are a fan of pop culture, then you would know that the mother of two, multi-platinum selling recording artist, Mariah Carey recently announced that she struggles with Bipolar Disorder to the public. When I read the headline I immediately assumed that if the incident did happen (cause let’s be honest, you can’t believe everything you read in the media), I’m sure it was during a manic episode. Or maybe, she is a medium and communicates with spirits. Honestly, you never know.

My point is, I feel sad for her, but I’m so grateful that she has decided to share her story. She is a world-renowned diva, whose voice and passion has gotten me through some rough times. Her decision to be open about her condition has brought awareness to millions of her fans. And I appreciate that. More awareness brings additional education and understanding and hopefully better resources. So the next time, we find out a loved-one may have symptoms of Bipolar Disorder, you can help them and not judge them.

Please read She Must Be Crazy on how to approach a loved one if you suspect they are struggling with a mental illness.

Also, please read I’m Coming Out, I Want the World to Know about my personal journey with Bipolar Disorder. I’ve never had dinner plans with the deceased, but I probably wouldn’t mind it neither.

I pray that God is with everyone who is struggling with mental/physical illness, addiction, heartbreak, and any other ailment, that He heals us and comforts us. That He extends His love so we know that we are not alone. I also pray that we find healing in your word, for you tell us that “your word is alive and powerful” and that “it is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword cutting between soul and spirit” (Hebrews 4:12). We are all in this fight together as children of God.

Thank you to everyone who took the time out of their day to sending inspirational, loving comments under my last post. I was going through it for a moment, but after I prayed a few prayers and talked to supportive people, I was able to come out of the dark space I was in. I began to doubt whether or not I should have allowed myself to be so public with my breakdown, but then sharing my journey wouldn’t be authentic. 🙂 So thank you to everyone who prayed for me. And of course, thank you to everyone who I began has enough patience to read my long post. I can go on and on and on, like now.

Love you all! Thank you for your continued support. Stay blessed!

“With God’s help we will do mighty things, for he will trample down our foes.” -Psalm 60:12

April 5, 2018April 8, 2018

I’m Coming Out, I Want the World to Know

My dark passenger is angry, possessive, and selfish. I like to call her, Harley. She is someone that I have hidden for a very long time. She is cruel, inconsiderate, and too smart for her own good.

When I experience a manic episode, Harley rears her ugly head. She is no longer easily tamed but instead crazed for attention and dangerous fun. She used to be someone I wished I could always be, but that was the mania talking. After speaking to a few people who have experienced Harley, come to find out, she’s not that great at all.

If you are unfamiliar with my story, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I in 2003 when I was 17 years old. For the next few years, I would take depression medication here and there, but honestly, I didn’t take my diagnosis seriously. I thought I was perfectly ok when really I wasn’t…far from it.

People, like myself, who struggle with Bipolar Disorder usually experience manic episodes. Clinically, manic episodes are defined as periods of extremely elevated mood that are not just feeling “good” or “high,” but moods that are beyond reason and cause major distress and life impairment.

Symptoms of mania or manic episodes include:

Inflated self-esteem or grandiosity-You feel like you’re on top of the world and no one and nothing can stop you.
Increased Insomnia- One time I was awake for 46 hours straight
More talkative than usual or pressure to keep talking
Flight of ideas or subjective experience that thoughts are racing- Your brain never turns off, NEVER!
Attention is easily drawn to unimportant or irrelevant items
Excessive involvement in pleasurable activities that have a high potential for painful consequences (e.g., engaging in unrestrained buying sprees, sexual indiscretions, or foolish business investments)

I experience every last symptom listed above, some more than others at times. Sometimes, I don’t realize I’m manic until I’m at the end of it and I begin to crash. For me, a manic episode can last for days, sometimes weeks. Once the mania is over, my mind goes into a deep, deep depression. I can’t stop it. I can’t prepare for it. It literally hits me like a ton of bricks every time.

Mania Crash Symptoms Include:

• Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness
• Difficulty concentrating
• Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed
• Difficulty sleeping
• Overeating or loss of appetite
• Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
• Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

I hid my condition for a very, very long time. I was afraid that people who see me as crazy and unlovable. I felt as though no one would understand because who would listen to a “crazy” person, right? I lied to my family and friends all of the time. I created a facade, a secret identity, if you will, so no one would see the real me, Harley. I later realized (just recently) that I am not really Harley. She is just my dark passenger called Bipolar Disorder I.

After Harley comes out to play, I, Ashley, is left with the destruction. Confused by the wreckage and heartbreak that Harley has left behind, I would always feel so ashamed, I would hide. I’ve lost a lot of great people in my life due to Harley, but what can a gal do?

Anyway, this post is what some may call My Coming Out post. I’ve briefly mentioned my bipolar diagnosis in other posts, but I’ve always felt the need to kind of hide. You know, mention it, but not really deal with it. I would think, what if someone that hates me read that I am Bipolar? They would probably say, I knew she was crazy! But I wouldn’t be fulfilling the purpose of my blog if I continued to hide my mental illness from the world. I’m choosing to deal with this head-on.

Love me or hate me, I’m bipolar.

“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’” ~ Mary Anne Radmacher

If you know someone who is struggling with Bipolar Disorder, please let them they are not alone. If you are experiencing any of the symptoms above, please contact your healthcare professional. Bipolar disorder is manageable, but not without treatment. Take care of yourself!

If you liked this reading, please visit Journey to Forgiving Yourself and Blogging With Depression to learn more ways cope with mental illness.

March 7, 2018March 10, 2018

Let Me Go, Guilt!

guilt Do you feel guilty? I do, well at least I used to. It was very easy to feel guilty about the things that I would say or do. I would feel guilty for stooping down to someone’s juvenile behavior by arguing or “seeking revenge”. I would feel guilty about being rude or disrespectful. I would feel guilty if someone sneezed and I wouldn’t say “bless you”.

After a while, I was tired of feeling guilty all of the time. At first, I blamed other people. I would even go as far to say that someone else “made me do it” or “made me say it”. Suddenly, I came to the realization that guilt is a burden that we were never meant to bear.

aaeaaqaaaaaaaaypaaaajdqzngjjmdgylwm4owytngjizs1hymrklwjlnzm4yjkznjzioa I’ve realized that guilt is such a meaningless emotion, yet it has the ability to crumble the sturdiest of foundations. So, why do we bother giving attention to an emotion that is essentially a waste of time? Judgment! Usually, we feel guilty about something because we are afraid of being judged. Let’s say you cheated on your wife/husband. You may feel guilt because you know that if your spouse found out, they would be extremely hurt. Let’s say you and your spouse have an open marriage (meaning you can carry on relationships with other people outside of your relationship). Would you feel guilty for sleeping with someone else, then? Probably not, because you know that your spouse is ok with it.

When you do something wrong, you’ve done it. That’s it. You can’t undo it. You can’t “unring a bell”, as they say. So why feel guilty? Why agonize over the terrible thing that you’ve done? You’re human and you’re going to make mistake no matter how much you try not to. The only person that walked this earth that was perfect was Jesus and even Jesus was judged and crucified by His peers. So, the question is are you, Jesus? If your answer is no, then you can stop expecting perfection. If your answer is yes, then maybe you should reevaluate your life. Just a suggestion. The expectation of perfection is almost as asinine as feeling guilty for your actions. If we truly think about it, it doesn’t make sense.

32666-fatherandson-forgiveness-sunset-1200w-tn I recently hurt my baby boy by accident. Afterward, saying I felt guilty wouldn’t be an accurate description of my true feelings. The more appropriate words would be cow dung. It wasn’t long before I realized that feeling guilty or like cow dung wasn’t going to help my baby boy feel better. The only accomplishments that guilt would result in are negative thoughts and self-pity. “Oh, woe is me…I’m such a crappy mother…I hurt my baby…wah, wah, wah.” You get the picture. The feeling of guilt had to be pushed to the side. I had to come up with a plan to help him feel better, along with making a mental note to not hurt him in the manner again. I asked for forgiveness from my son and my Lord and kept it pushing. I know that my son and God forgave me, so that wasn’t much more for me to do. “For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved” (John 3:17)

Meaning, God already knew that I was going to mess up. He already knew that I was going to hurt my son, but He tells us not to worry. As long as I say sorry, or repent, I will be forgiven. So why should I feel ashamed of something that I have already been forgiven for? I know that we encounter people into our lives that may be as forgiving as our heavenly Father. I have a few of those people in my family, but if someone chooses not to forgive you or hold onto a grudge to make you feel guilty, then that seems more like their problem and not yours.

Throughout the day, guilt would try to attach itself to me when I saw my sons big beautiful brown eyes glaring up at me. I would think, “how could I hurt someone that darn cute.” But then, I would immediately dismiss it. I thought, “It’s done. It’s over with. I’ve fixed it and there is nothing that I can do now except move on.”

Below are a few thoughts that I recited to myself to kick guilts butt. I hope you are able to find them helpful so you can be free from any guilt that you may be holding onto:

I did what I did and I said what I said. There is no way to go back and change it. What I will do TODAY, is appreciate every darn thing I did badly. Because tomorrow, I won’t do it again.
“No matter how frustrated, disappointed and discouraged we may feel in the face of our failures, it’s only temporary. And the faster you can stop wallowing in guilt, blame or resentment, the faster you can put it behind you.” -Fabrizio Moreira
I am the master of my own feelings. I am only here to learn from my mistakes. I am not perfect and I don’t expect anyone else to be. What I choose to do now, is learn and grow from my mistakes.
An exciting and inspiring future awaits you beyond the noise in your mind, beyond the guilt, doubt, fear, shame, insecurity, and heaviness of the past you carry around. -Debbie Ford
“~~An apology may be a sign of weakness~~, but having the courage to go up to someone and say sorry is a strength!” -Unknown
“Mistakes are part of life, everyone makes them, everyone regrets them. But, some learn from them and some end up making them again. It’s up to you to decide if you’ll use your mistakes to your advantage.”– Meredith Sapp

Drop a comment below to share any affirmations or quotes that help you get rid of guilt. Otherwise, have a wonderful rest of your day. I love you all for reading my thoughts and wish nothing but joy and peace in your life. God bless!

Images borrowed from Crosswalk.com, Linkedin, and Writers Bloc