Posted on by Ashley Tara

My Time in SAA

love-yourself

I’ve allowed the curser on my laptop is blink for at least 20 minutes while I thought about how I would begin my post today. I even have my notebook open to my notes about self-forgiveness. But, there is a very intimate story that I would like to share, but I am afraid. I am afraid of judgment. I am afraid that my children may read this one day and think less of me. I am afraid that talking about this would bring up old feelings of resentment and self-hatred. But, this subject has been on my heart to share. I feel there are so many women who are afraid to address this topic because of the same fears. So, then, is it my responsibility to share my story so other women like me can know that they are not alone? So they can have the courage to speak their truth? I don’t know. I honestly, do not have the answers. So, I’ll just get into it with hopes that you, as my readers, will understand my story and why I am deciding to tell it.

During my childhood, I thought sex equaled love and love equaled sex. Due to this ideology, I lost my virginity at a very young age. Maybe it had something to do with being sexually assaulted by a close family member or maybe it was all of the dirty movies and televisions shows I watched late at night on HBO. By the time I had turned nineteen, I had already had over fifteen sexual partners. Half of them were one night stands. It wasn’t until almost ten years later when I had to spend three weeks at a addiction and mental illness outpatient facility, where I learned that I had an addiction and that having sex with every Tom, Dick, and Harry wasn’t a healthy lifestyle to live. Not an addiction to sex, per se, but addiction to the feeling that comes along with sex. I was addicted to the 10-15 minutes (sometimes shorter) of peace that I had of NOT feeling worthless, empty, doomed, sad, angry, etc. I even carried on a relationship with a man who had a live-in girlfriend with children because he made me feel like someone other than myself. I allowed men to destroy my self-esteem. I listened when they told me that I was only good enough for sex. They didn’t verbally say it, but their actions did and I allowed it.

After my outpatient treatment was over, I felt good about myself again. I vowed that I wouldn’t put myself through spiritual damnation any longer. That I will not tolerate men who wanted to treat me less than I deserved. I began going to SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) meetings. It felt weird at first. When I was first told about the meetings, I thought it was for people who were considered nymphomaniacs. It never occurred to me that you could be addicted to love or the illusion of an unhealthy definition of what love is. At first, I only attended women’s meetings. I thought I would be more comfortable there and I was. The women there were so nice and sweet. To my surprise, a lot of them were there to learn how to love themselves again. To treasure their bodies as they would a holy temple and not use it for a few minutes of human gratification; to feel absentee emotions.

One night, the women’s meeting was canceled. The only group that was meeting was a mixed gender group 30 minutes from my house. I was really dedicated to my recovery, so I decided to go. As I walked into a small room filled with old, musty books, I looked around to see about 10 white men over the age of 40, sitting there waiting for me to join them. I felt so awkward. I immediately wanted to turn around a leave, but the leader came up to me and introduced himself. He was surprisingly welcoming. After he introduced himself, everyone else introduced themselves and welcomed me like I’ve been a regular part of the group for years. It was amazing, yet intimidating. They didn’t judge me, nor treat me like I was a young, black woman. They treated me like someone who needed help just like them. After we sat down and shared our stories, we found that we all had a lot in common. How this addiction had affected our self-esteem and our personal relationships. Although, our stories we different, the outcomes were ultimately the same. I walked away that night feeling fulfilled. I had a better understanding from a man’s perspective. The leader of the group told me afterward, that because of my story he felt like he had a better understanding of this illness from a woman’s perspective.

I will never forget this time in my life because this was the beginning of how I have learned to love myself. It also taught me to have so much compassion for other people. Young, old, black, or white, everyone has a struggle. Some struggles can be seen and others you can’t see. A lot of those men and woman I spoke to were successful and well-put together. Some were professionals, some were homemakers. There were people that were single and other’s that have been married for decades. Being all together in one room for an hour or so was one of the most beautiful experiences I’ve ever felt. We all had different backgrounds, were from different cultures and religions, but we each knew exactly how the other was feeling. It’s the biggest connection I’ve ever felt (outside of my family) to another human being. That is what I was missing. Not sex, not a few minutes if possible pleasure, but to feel real love and real human connection.

This is my truth. This is my story. I want young women and men to know that sex does not equate to love. Love is endless. It fulfills a void that you didn’t even know was missing. Love is beautiful and sirene. It is not questioned, nor oddly observed. Love is all and all is love. Love is not a quickie in the back seat. Know your worth and love yourself. Treat your body as a beautiful temple made by our Creature. You are worthy. You are special. You are beautifully made.

“Love who you are, embrace who you are. Love yourself. When you love yourself, people can kind of pick up on that: they can see confidence, they can see self-esteem, and naturally, people gravitate towards you.” -Lilly Singh

To those who have nominated me for awards, I have not forgotten about you. I will post my responses soon. Thank you and I love you all.

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68 Replies to “My Time in SAA”

  1. Definitely a story that many can learn about. I think is hard to share this feeling sometimes but I also think that is good to bring all this out so you can feel lighter and full filled. 🤗

    Liked by 2 people

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  2. That is a really moving story. I understand the 10/15 minutes of feeling needed and wanted. It feels good to finally have someone give you their full attention and ‘love’. I am glad you are finding healthier ways to find that feeling. You should be really proud of yourself for sharing this story. Thank you!

    Liked by 2 people

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        1. You’re so beautiful for sharing that. We will get through this together sister. Women all over the world are uniting by simply admitting to their truth. Thank you for sharing ❤️🌹🌹

          Liked by 1 person

        2. That’s great! I love support of other women. I would DM you more details but baiscally, I let my boyfriend have anything he wants and give him whatever he wants whenever, and he still never seems to love me more hes never proud of me and he doesn’t want to be together anymore. I can never please him.

          (we broke up last night! heres to strong women!!)

          Liked by 1 person

        3. His loss! And good for you!!! I was in the same kind of relationship. I was so heartbroken at first, but when I got over it, I realized that I was better off. He’ll always be bitter and lonely. He has the be the most miserable person to not love a person like you! If he changes, great! You deserve to be appreciated and loved. Until then, love and take care of yourself. Your confidence will be glowing and good men will be tripping over themselves to love you. Stay strong!!!! Stay confident! You are wonderful! You are special! You are beautifully made!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️

          Liked by 1 person

        6. When my husband and I first started dating, he was like this. Then he broke up with me. Long story short, shortly after I completed my 3 week outpatient program, we connected. He says that he saw a huge difference in me, and it made him realize he couldn’t live without me. 5 years and 1 kid later, I couldn’t be happier. I’m so grateful for that time I took to love and know myself. It corrected a lot of mistakes I made. ❤️❤️❤️

          Liked by 1 person

  3. I can relate to your story. After experiencing sexual abuse as a child, I too confused sex with love. I gave my body away to anyone who would take it. I was never able to go without a relationship. I had to have that one person who would confirm my worth. Ironically, my illness forced me to be alone. I haven’t had a relationship or sex for two years now. If I ever have another relationship, I hope it will be one of choice instead of one of need. Thanks for sharing your story, very brave!

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    1. It’s funny cause dealing with a chronic illness has forced me to face a lot of my problems as well. I always say that Lupus has been the best worst thing to ever happen to me. I pray that God blesses you with someone that sees your mind as well as your body. Thank you for sharing your story. ❤️❤️❤️🌹🌹🌹

      Liked by 1 person

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  5. Wow! Your story truly moved me! You’re truly brave for sharing this wow! Thank you so much for sharing and I just wanna say that God loves you and he really cares for you and I pray he continues to strengthen you and change you daily in Jesus Name! Much love and blessings to you! Xxoo 😇💛

    Liked by 2 people

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    1. Thank you so much!! ❤️❤️I give all praise to God because He is the one that pulled me out and gave me strength. I’m so glad I shared my story now. Many blessings to you, sweetness! 🌹

      Liked by 1 person

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  6. Listen to me…

    You know only God can judge you right. Never feel ashamed to tell it like it is and get your story out there…

    You never know the outcome of how much your story is affective in making other people who are are going through what your going through connect with you and not feel shamed to come forth….

    I believe….

    “judge ye”

    “judge ye not”

    In English terms that means fuck who ever judges you! Your a gem girl! So shine on em!

    Liked by 2 people

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    1. Thank you so much! That means a lot to me. ❤️ This story has been on my heart to tell for a very long time. I know it’s because there is someone out there struggling with this as well. Thank you for your affirmation. It has helped ease my anxiety. Thank you! 🙏🏾

      Liked by 1 person

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      1. Well illness is illness… but most people don’t look at it that way… I was phsycally abused as a youngster….

        So how do you think I was growing up! A fucking savage! It wasn’t till 2 years ago I was diagnosed with so much shit.

        But hey we are all hear for you… and if they fake… fuck em! I got ya back home girl!💪💪💪❤💯💯💯💯

        Liked by 1 person

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        3. A warrior! Someone who fights all of their battles head on. You seem like you’ve overcome a lot in your life. I’m proud of you!

          Liked by 1 person

        4. Your proud of me?

          I’m nothing to be proud of…

          I’ve done a lot of bad shit just to protect myself and feed my family…

          I’m fucked up yo…

          no bullshit…

          But the fact is that I’m the bad guy….

          but I appreciate the ackowledgement my friend because I know where your heart is!

          Now that love!😍

          Liked by 2 people

        5. We’ve all done bad things! Oh I have some stories. Lol. Don’t let the smile fool ya, I used to be gangsta 😂😂😂 You have a conscience. You have a heart. That’s what matters. God loves you despite your past mistakes and flaws. That’s why I told you, I’m not here to judge anyone, especially you.

          Liked by 1 person

  7. It takes a lot of courage to post something like this. For me, my writing is a way to cope sometimes. A release. I’ve written about my battles with depression here. With fear much like you have. I have found that WordPress is much more than just a place to blog. It’s a community. A community of very welcoming and caring people. These people have been such a blessing in my life! I hope you continue to have the courage to put voice to your journey. You will find acceptance, encouragement and love here. Bless you sweet girl!! ❤ ❤

    Liked by 2 people

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    1. THANK YOU PENNY! I’ve found, that everyone I have meet has been so sweet and supportive. I haven’t had one bad experience (except with our mutual woman hating friend 😂😂) but even that wasn’t bad, just difference of opinion. Thank you for your acceptance and your encouragement. I hope do accomplish the same with my story. Bless you sweet Penny ❤️🌹

      Liked by 1 person

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  8. Thank you for sharing this. It shed light on a lot of things for me and definitely a story I will be sharing with other young women my age. The last sentence of the final paragraph moved me and, I think this is something young women and teenagers alike need to hear.

    Liked by 2 people

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  15. Awesome. Thank you for being real and vulnerable. Learnt a great deal. I hope I will be bold enough to post a blog post I drafted on my sexual experience. Hopefully some day soon. Thanks for being real nd vulnerable.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. No problem dear. As women, we should speak our truth and not be ashamed. My experience is just that, an experience. And our experiences do not define who we are. I’m sure you’re braver than you think. Just like I was braver than I thought 🤗😉

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  16. Thank you for sharing, that was touching to read. You have so much courage and strength. A truly beautiful post to read. Sending my best. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

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  17. I applaud your courage and honesty. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. I personally resonated with what you said about the ten or so minutes you get to feel loved. In more ways than one I agree… At first the sex is thrilling and fulfilling, but after some time it’s repetitive but nonetheless consistent. It makes more sense when you put it like that. It’s like a drug… No matter how bad it may make you feel… You push on for that 10 or so minutes of ‘peace’. But sex doesn’t equal love and I guess the first step is learning what that means. Thanks again for sharing 😊

    Liked by 2 people

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words. I agree, the first step is finding out what it means. It’s hard but worth it. It’s takes a lot of soul searching and self forgiveness. Thanks again for reading. 🤗☺️❤️

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