This is Depression. How are you? Well, don’t answer that. You know I really don’t care. You know what I do care about is why we haven’t been spending time together like we used to? I mean, I see you every once in a while. Every time I think we are going to get back together, you leave me for a guy name Jesus. Like, why? What does he have that I don’t?
You cannot deny it, Ashley. We were so good together. You loved me, I loved you. All we needed was each other. And then this Jesus character came along and told you that you would be better without me. I was shocked! I never thought you would see me for who I really am. I honestly thought we would be together forever.
Remember, we used to have the best times together. I miss your tears of loneliness and hopelessness. I miss how we used to stay in bed together for days, even weeks at a time. I miss how you used to put me ahead of your family. Now you act like you never had such a wonderful, miserable history. You used to tell me how I was the only consistent entity in your life. Now I feel like I am nothing to you.
It’s pretty obvious that whoever this Jesus is that he means more to you than I ever have. That’s how I know he’s powerful because I used to be your whole world. Now all of a sudden he is. I’m angry and hurt because now I know I’ve lost my best victim.
I will never let you go. I will always come back and visit to see if you’ll take me back, I will never stop loving you. But because I see that you are stronger than you have ever been, I’ll have to bring my A game.
I’m so glad that God has given me the strength to write today. It has been a hard few months. There is something that I want to talk about, but I’m afraid. I’m afraid of being judged. I’m afraid of what people would say. But mostly, I am afraid of facing the truth and shattering the fantasy world that I have built around me. This fear is crippling me because I am distancing myself from my craft in order to survive. There are many times that I want to write, I yearn to write, but I don’t trust myself to provide the quality that you all deserve. Yes, I’ve been self-loathing and feeling sorry for myself.
Well, no more I say, no more! I have to tell my story. I have to get this out. I have to reach as many people as I possibly can so you know you are not alone. So, this is me, taking off my mask and diving feet first into the pool of the unknown and sacrifice.
My husband left me nine months ago. It was warranted. A part of me knew it was coming. Yet, I wanted to stay in denial. Staying in denial hurt less than facing reality, but it was causing more heartache and confusion. This is my second marriage to fail, so I can’t help but to question what it wrong with me? I truthfully didn’t plan for my life to go this way. At first, it felt like I had been stabbed in the heart. It felt like he died. The pain was excrutiating. I cried all day, every day for months. What made it worse was that it sent me into a very deep depression, triggering manic episodes and outbursts. It caused traumatic memories to surface that I’ve spent a life time burying.
I began seeing a counselor and adjusted my medication, but that wasnt enough. I’ve never been so heartbroken in my life. I’ve never felt anything like this and I’ve been through some pretty horrible situations. I felt alone, abandoned, and rejected. Some days, I still do. The lies, infedility, and abuse all came rushing back not knowing what to do or where to go next. My heart and my brain were reading two different books, forget about being on the same page?! In my mind, I should have supported his decision to leave, instead, my emotions took over like a freight train and it hasn’t stopped.
I reached out to my church for support so I could grow closer to God, but it was so hard to expect God to help me though this since it was His fault that this was happening to me in the first place. It was His fault that He brought my husband into my life. It was His fault because He allowed my husband to do the things that he did to me. It was His fault because He allowed me to get myself into this situation. Now, I am left alone holding the pieces of my shattered life in my hands.
I’ll admit, when he first left, he promised that he was going to come back. And just like a codependent basket case, I beleived him. My heart was so broken, I held on to the fantasy for as long as I could before I couldnt anymore. It as causing more and more pain, confusion, and heartache. Eventually, I came to the conclusion that it wasnt Gods fault that my marriage failed, it’s the world. My husband loves the world more than he loves us and that is not my fault nor Gods.
God tells us in His Word that ‘Satan, who is the god of this world, has blinded the minds of those who don’t believe. They are unable to see the glorious light of the Good News. They don’t understand this message about the glory of Christ, who is the exact likeness of God.’ -2 Corinthians 4:4
‘And this world is fading away, along with everything that people crave. But anyone who does what pleases God will live forever. For the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, and pride in our achievements and possessions. These are not from the Father, but are from this world. Do not love this world nor the things it offers you, for when you love the world, you do not have the love of the Father in you. ‘ –1 John 2:15-17
It’s not my husbands’ fault. Yes, he has a responsibility to chose to do the right thing, but when you’ve experienced trauma, sometimes all you can do is run and hide when things get tough. He is only doing what he has been taught to do. It just so happens that my kids and I are the collateral damage. Since then, I have started to move on. He has made it very clear that our marriage will not and cannot be saved. So now, my time is filled with improving our mental health, growing closer to God and my kids, and getting healthy overall.
There is so much to share, but for now, this is just laying the ground work for sharing my journey. Going through the grief process, my emotions are all over the place. One minute I feel hopeful for the future and other days I feel the whole world has abandoned me. There are days where I miss him so much and other days I’m grateful he’s gone. And I’m learning that is ok. This is a process. This is a journey. We will get through this. In a couple of days, I will be talking about the grief process and what to expect and not expect.
If you are going through a devastating situation while trying to heal from years of trauma, I want you to tell you that you are not alone. And if you are willing, we all can join together as a community and get through this together.
Love you all and please remember to pray for one another.
“Don’t worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” -Philippians 4:6,7
Thank you for joining me on this wonderful Saturday. What makes this day so wonderful, you ask? Well, for one, I’m not experiencing the weight of an elephant on my chest anymore. I am able to have hope for the future. God has been sending so many people to encourage me during this time. All whom have experienced the same trauma and heartache as I. He so is wonderful!!
Although I haven’t been “blogging” I’ve been coming up with so much material. Sometimes I am unable to fall asleep until I have it written all down, or at least cliff notes and it always feels so good.
A few weeks ago, I was able to conjure up a poem. I haven’t written a poem in what seems like forever. In another attempt of stepping out of my comfort zone, I will debut it here.
This coat I’m wearing, I love it, It fits my curves and everything above it. I’m so proud because it will be mine forever, As long as we’re together we can battle the worst weathers. After a while it was all I wore, The comfort and embrace it provided felt so secure. Not realizing the more I wore it the more I outgrew it, But it was mine and I felt good just to own it. But one day it began to tear at the seams, I tried my best to patch up what was lost, But the more I tried the more it cost. Until one day it was gone, never to be found again, The devastation killing what was left of my core. “What else could provide the comfort and loving care? What would I do with myself? Who would even care?” See, to you it may be a simple coat that can be replaced, But to me it was everything I was missing in the first place. In my life where things seemed so dark, until my coat came along and pulled me out, Well, looking back, at least I thought. The more I mourn, the more it becomes clear, That the struggle wasn’t the coat but something deeper than what appeared. The coat would have to become distant memory, Letting the seams tear is a sign that I should move on to make new memories. We all deserve to have a great, secure coat, We just have to know where to look. I began to seek my Father who told me that my story can be rewritten, It’ll just take a little grinding and pinching. “But hold on to my promises, Beloved” He says, I’ll always hear Him repeat to me especially in time of despair.
This poem was inspired by the realization that I have been operating in codependent relationships. It wasn’t clear to me why I was experiencing extreme heartache towards someone who clearly wants nothing to do with me. In God’s gracious character, He has been removing my heart so I am able to heal and move forward.
I don’t have all of the answers right now, but right now, I am resting in His promise that “this to shall pass”.
Thank you, friends for reading my thoughts. It has been my pleasure sharing my story, although it has me terrified. Please remember to pray for one another, especially during a time like this.
But the Lord is faithful; he will strengthen and guard you from the enemy. -2 Thessalonians 3:3
I hope everyone is having a wonderful New Years. I haven’t been blogging because there have been unfortunate events happening in my life that I’ve had to work out. I am not sure if I mentioned in my last post (and frankly I’m too lazy to check) but July of last summer, I suffered a devastating loss. I’ve been afraid to talk about it because I guess I still don’t know how to process it and fear of judgment, rejection, and ridicule. Yet, I feel that sharing my experience is something I’m obligated to do.
The stages of grief have been unexpected, torturous, and lonely. Right now, I have good days and bad days. Just when I think I have a handle on the good days, a bad day will come out of the blue to remind me that this agony is far from over. Although this loss was probably for the best, it doesn’t make the hurt, hurt less. It doesn’t make the loss more bearable. And it doesn’t make the good memories go away.
To be honest, I’m really confused. My reaction to this loss is unexpected. At least, I didn’t think I would be this devastated. The event is something I thought would happen but didn’t see it coming. I still had hope for reconciliation and restoration, but it has become clear that I’ve been wearing blinders while living in a fantasy world that I built for myself to avoid pain and heartache. Thinking back, it is how I dealt with trauma from my childhood. I simply stuffed my feelings down, put on a “mask”, and became who I thought people wanted me to be only so that I could feel accepted. So it would only make sense that during this loss, all of those other feelings have bubbled up to the surface all at once.
In this situation, this person had me to believe that they saw past the “mask” and they loved me unconditionally anyway. I can’t tell you how long I’ve waited to hear those words from someone I loved, no matter if they meant it or not. Looking back, I’m unsure if they meant it. I only know at this point, it doesn’t matter. So, the blinders went on and common sense and logic went out the window.
I was hoping that when I began digging into my past, it would help me not only heal from specific experiences I’ve had throughout life that resulted in feelings of abandonment and rejection, but it would also help me better deal with my present. Yea…not so much. I’ve been wanting to skip the grieving process and get this over with already. I don’t want to feel what I feel. I don’t want to feel unloved and lied to. I don’t want to feel hopeless and worthless. And I don’t want to feel like every bad thing this person ever said about me is right and that I am the cause of such an extreme loss.
While suffering through the stages of grief, I’m finding it extremely difficult to do the simplest of things. Imagine depression 2.0. I’ve had moments of happiness, especially with my kids, but most of my days are spent trying NOT to completely fall apart. I’ve neglect things that I need to do for myself because my home and children come first, and even those things seem impossible at times. Once that’s out of the way, I don’t have the energy to do anything else. For example, I can’t even tell you the last time I washed my hair. Yea, yea, I know, gross, but it’s the truth.
Although people go through this every day, it feels like the end of the world to me. It feels like I’m hanging on by thread without life support. It feels like this person has died versus only walking out of my life. Its obvious something is wrong, so when people ask, I give the generic, “I’m ok”. I mean, what else am I supposed to say? Repeating my sorrow over and over, to me, is invading the curious person’s positive energy, thus making them leave me as well.
I have a deep longing inside of me that would love to climb into my mother’s lap so I can cry until I couldn’t cry anymore. The little girl inside of me is screaming out for hugs, kisses, and fresh chocolate chip cookies. It seems silly because I’m a mother myself, but I’ve never had it and I feel at this moment in life, now would be a good time to have it. But it’s just not possible, so I’m trying to look to God, other family members, and my mentor to fulfill whatever is missing from my heart and guidance.
My mind is filled with so many things I should do; pray, worship God, read His Word, pray some more, anoint the house, forgive the people that have hurt me, make amends to the people I have hurt, etc., etc. They say to take one day at a time, but when my heart is hurting so much, I can’t help but think of the future and how I can’t wait for this part to be over. So then, I will automatically begin to think about the steps that I need to take to get there. And then there’s that good old, comparing myself to other people. For example, the other party in this circumstance seems to be unaffected by the last nine months, which breaks my heart even more, but hey, what can you do?.
After a while, I started asking myself, “Why am I the only person that is hurting like this? How can everyone handle this pain but me?” Then, I remember an excerpt that I read out of a book titled, The Christian Codependence Recovery Handbook (we’ll speak more about this another day) by Stephanie Tucker. She says:
One of the secrets we learn in walking with Jesus is that when we give Him control, in our weakness we are strong. Why? Because He has control and He is strong. However, if we are trying to be strong and in control, we are very weak. Every resource we need in life is found in our relationship with God. When we surrender control to Him, we come under His provision and protection.
…. when you feel defeated and tired, giving your life and will over to God can be the most incredible experience of your life.
I hate this season of my life. I feel hogtied to a boulder, but then when I read that paragraph above, I was reminded that I can rest in the knowledge that when I am at my weakest, it is at this point, God can do His best work in me, for me, and around me. Trying to control and manipulate my circumstances will only result in more heartache because I am not under His protection and provision. I leave myself wide open for Satan to fill my mind with negative, defeating thoughts and because I am weak, I easily succumb to them. I chose to surrender because it is in my brokenness that my Abba Father can pull me out of the darkness with my head held high, thus, truly living my life and not just surviving it.
This loss is a make or break moment. I believe we all experience at least one; a life event so unexpected, it shakes us to our very core and the only choices we have are to surrender to God and allow Him to mend our hearts while smothering us with His love and grace OR sitting in it, allowing bitterness, hate, and anger to plant roots deep inside our hearts.
I understand that my above feelings may sound like I’m feeling sorry for myself or that I am stuck in a revolving door of self-loathing and I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I was, but these are my honest feelings. My insecurities are ruining my life. I know for the fact that my loss isn’t talked about because it has become the social norm, but there are so many people, especially women who are suffering in silences that are in the same boat as I.
I’ve been afraid to share my story, although I know it needs to be told. So, this is me. Here I am. Putting it all out there. My insecurities. My weakness. My vulnaribilities. When we experience trials and tribulations, God always seems to have a breakthrough right around the corner. So, after all my complaining in this post, I would like to tell whoever is experiencing a devastating loss, here are some tips that I have learned in the past nine months to help me wake up to do it all over again until God decides to remove this mountain:
We must give ourselves grace for not “getting over it” when we think you should be over it
We cannot rush the grief process. It is something we must power through with the help of the only true and living God
We should allow ourselves to be vulnerable because God will do His mightiest work and the enemy will have no grounds to try to silence you
If you were betrayed, remember that our God is a God of justice and all things right. He will get justice for the wrong that was done to you. Let Him deal with that person as He sees fit.
If you are feeling any of the feelings I mentioned above, know that it is ok not to be ok.
And finally, find yourself a good support system to face those lonely days and nights. People that will encourage you and listen to you complain when you just can’t hold it any longer. Although I long for my mother’s embrace, I am grateful that I have other support systems that help me get through the days when I feel like I can’t go on any longer.
Thank you all so much for reading my thoughts. Although life seems impossible, I know that it is worth living. Let’s move forward together by supporting each other with prayer and honesty.
“So, my very dear friends, don’t get thrown off course. Every desirable and beneficial gift comes out of heaven. The gifts are rivers of light cascading down from the Father of Light. There is nothing deceitful in God, nothing two-faced, nothing fickle. He brought us to life using the true Word, showing us off as the crown of all his creatures.” -James 1:16-18 (MSG)