My dark passenger is angry, possessive, and selfish. I like to call her, Harley. She is someone that I have hidden for a very long time. She is cruel, inconsiderate, and too smart for her own good.
When I experience a manic episode, Harley rears her ugly head. She is no longer easily tamed but instead crazed for attention and dangerous fun. She used to be someone I wished I could always be, but that was the mania talking. After speaking to a few people who have experienced Harley, come to find out, she’s not that great at all.
If you are unfamiliar with my story, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I in 2003 when I was 17 years old. For the next few years, I would take depression medication here and there, but honestly, I didn’t take my diagnosis seriously. I thought I was perfectly ok when really I wasn’t…far from it.
People, like myself, who struggle with Bipolar Disorder usually experience manic episodes. Clinically, manic episodes are defined as periods of extremely elevated mood that are not just feeling “good” or “high,” but moods that are beyond reason and cause major distress and life impairment.
Symptoms of mania or manic episodes include:
- Inflated self-esteem or grandiosity-You feel like you’re on top of the world and no one and nothing can stop you.
- Increased Insomnia- One time I was awake for 46 hours straight
- More talkative than usual or pressure to keep talking
- Flight of ideas or subjective experience that thoughts are racing- Your brain never turns off, NEVER!
- Attention is easily drawn to unimportant or irrelevant items
- Excessive involvement in pleasurable activities that have a high potential for painful consequences (e.g., engaging in unrestrained buying sprees, sexual indiscretions, or foolish business investments)
I experience every last symptom listed above, some more than others at times. Sometimes, I don’t realize I’m manic until I’m at the end of it and I begin to crash. For me, a manic episode can last for days, sometimes weeks. Once the mania is over, my mind goes into a deep, deep depression. I can’t stop it. I can’t prepare for it. It literally hits me like a ton of bricks every time.
Mania Crash Symptoms Include:
• Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness
• Difficulty concentrating
• Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed
• Difficulty sleeping
• Overeating or loss of appetite
• Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
• Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts
I hid my condition for a very, very long time. I was afraid that people who see me as crazy and unlovable. I felt as though no one would understand because who would listen to a “crazy” person, right? I lied to my family and friends all of the time. I created a facade, a secret identity, if you will, so no one would see the real me, Harley. I later realized (just recently) that I am not really Harley. She is just my dark passenger called Bipolar Disorder I.
After Harley comes out to play, I, Ashley, is left with the destruction. Confused by the wreckage and heartbreak that Harley has left behind, I would always feel so ashamed, I would hide. I’ve lost a lot of great people in my life due to Harley, but what can a gal do?
Anyway, this post is what some may call My Coming Out post. I’ve briefly mentioned my bipolar diagnosis in other posts, but I’ve always felt the need to kind of hide. You know, mention it, but not really deal with it. I would think, what if someone that hates me read that I am Bipolar? They would probably say, I knew she was crazy! But I wouldn’t be fulfilling the purpose of my blog if I continued to hide my mental illness from the world. I’m choosing to deal with this head-on.
Love me or hate me, I’m bipolar.
“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’” ~ Mary Anne Radmacher
If you know someone who is struggling with Bipolar Disorder, please let them they are not alone. If you are experiencing any of the symptoms above, please contact your healthcare professional. Bipolar disorder is manageable, but not without treatment. Take care of yourself!
If you liked this reading, please visit Journey to Forgiving Yourself and Blogging With Depression to learn more ways cope with mental illness.
Healing with Harotian 
Really informative and brave
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Thanks broski! I really you taking the time out to read and comment. 🤗😘❤️❤️
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You are so brave to talk about this. It may help someone else to is struggling. Mental health issues have been swept under the rug for too long. Bless you sweet girl! Stay strong! ❤ ❤
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Thank you sweet Penny. ❤️❤️🤗🤗
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This is offered with such sincerity and intention. We wander very similar roads…different scenery and passersby of course..but similar roads.
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Thank you so much dear. There are so many people who travel similar roads as us. This is why we have to stick together and provide motivation to get through such a difficult journey. Thank you for sharing and reading. ❤️❤️🤗🤗
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Bravo! Your clarity is sought after, welcomed, and needed by so many who strive to understand with compassion, patience, and grace, of what it must feel like for those we care about, or work with, that are in your shoes. I thank you for your enlightenment!
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Thank you so much! I really appreciate your kind words ❤️❤️🤗🤗
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We’ll be praying for you sis. I have bouts of rage. I have mellowed quite a bit after age 40 but into my 30s I felt like I was going to come apart. There’s a lot of back story but the shame and guilt I felt afterwards would send me into a pretty dark place. I would find myself asking for forgiveness over and over again. Then, God spoke to my heart.
Acts 10:15
“And the voice spake unto him again the second time, What God hath cleansed, that call not thou common.”
I began to understand that even though I was a work in progress that Jesus was able to maintain the work and that my sense of failure was partly what was taking my back to that dark place.
Now, I still struggle. I still have moments of weakness when I’m not the person that I aspire to be. But I bounce back a lot quicker.
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Thank you so much for this wonderful advice and encouragement. I really appreciate it. The bounce back is hard but not impossible through Jesus. I’m starting to get it now. Thanks again, Lloyd 🤗🤗❤️❤️
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You’re truly courageous and strong ..Nd you’re not alone!
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Thank you so much dear ❤️❤️😘😘🤗🤗
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❤❤
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You’ll be in prayers!!!! God will heal you and remove that Bipolar in Jesus Mighty Name! He is with you always and will give you the strength to move on! Love you much and loving your new layout! 💕 God bless! Xxoo
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Thank you so much, Tammy, for your kind words and prayer. Yes, Jesus can heal all things in his name, amen! ❤️❤️ Love ya too dear 😘😘
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You’re welcome always!! 💓…yup he IS the God of ALL miracles! 💕
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Yes, Lord ❤️
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Thank you so much for sharing ❤️❤️❤️❤️
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Wow, thank you for sharing! You will make it through your dark season. I’m praying for you 🙂 God Bless you! It takes a lot of courage to tell your story even if it may be different from others.
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Thank you!! I really appreciate your kind words. God bless you too dear ❤️❤️🤗🤗
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Ashley, you are a beautiful, brave, compassionate woman. I’m glad I got the chance to read you, thank you for inspiring me. I am teary-eyed and smiling.
Much Love,
Gaia
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Gaia, it is my pleasure and honor to share my story and it warms my heart beyond words that I was able to touch your heart. Thank you for your kind words, for reading my thoughts, and for commenting. I pray youtr day is going well. xoxo
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