Hello Friends,

Today I would like to talk about something that I have been dealing with. Something that has recently come to my attention. It all started after my husband and I first separated. I was so confused as to why I was so devastated. Like I said before, I knew that it was coming. I could feel it. He was becoming more distant from our family each day. So when he left, I was genuinely surprised that I had the reaction that I had. It felt like all of the negative feelings that I’ve ever felt in my entire my life came flooding out. I mean, it makes sense. When I would experience trauma in my life, I learned at a early age to ignore it. I would numb them with something or somebody.

For months after our seperation, I felt frustrated because I couldn’t understand why I was so upset. I think it is normal to feel upset when our marriages become rocky and troubled, but there was something very abnormal about my reaction. I’ll talk about what I went through in a seperate post. Now I can say that I am in a healthier place. I find myself toggling between acceptance and depression. I miss my husband very much, but I have come to the realization that I cannot control nor manipulate this situation to fit my own feelings or agenda. How did I come to this conclusion, you ask?

Well, have you ever heard of codependency? Codependency is “a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as ‘relationship addiction’ because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive” according to Mental Health America.

I remember when my husband and I started marriage counseling last year, our Pastor brought up that we both may be struggling with codependency. I immediately dismissed it. It was hard for me to admit that this may be something that I could be struggling with. Quite honestly, I think I ignored it because I felt like I was already dealing with so much, I couldn’t add one more thing to my plate of messed-upness. “I’m not codependent on nobody” I told myself, yet, I sought validation from my husband about how I looked, how my cooked, how talented I was, and how I was as a mother. I felt so low about myself for so long, I wanted, no, I needed my husband to make me feel like I was enough. And when he didn’t, I believed the lies that came from the world that said I had to look, act, and be a certain way to be accepted.

How do we know that we may be struggling with codependency?

Codependency Character Traits

• An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
• A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue
• A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time
• A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts
• An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment
• An extreme need for approval and recognition
• A sense of guilt when asserting themselves
• A compelling need to control others
• Lack of trust in self and/or others
• Fear of being abandoned or alone
• Difficulty identifying feelings
• Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change
• Problems with intimacy/boundaries
• Chronic anger
• Lying/dishonesty
• Poor communications
• Difficulty making decisions

When I first read this list, I couldn’t believe it. I felt ashamed, embarrassed, and relieved. I’ve always known that I was different, that my struggle with my emotions was different from those around me. I would always wonder why people handled circumstances and situations in a healthier fashion than I did. If someone hurt me, I would always find some extreme, over the top way to hurt them back instead of crying and overeating ice cream like normal person.

The more research I did on what codependency is and how it can effect our lives, it was undeniable. This is why I felt so devastated. I made my husband my everything, so when he walked out the door, it felt like he literally took a piece of me with him. Being someones everything can be very exhausting. Thinking about it, I feel bad for him. I can see how he felt like he was trapped in a corner, while at the same time expecting things from me, his wife, to give him that I wasn’t able to give. When dealing with codependency, it is a tricky monster that must be stopped, but we must be very careful how we approach it.

God has given me the ability to take responsibility for why my marriage fell apart. I remember saying to him, “why are you doing this to me? what about everything we’ve been through? what about everything I’ve done for you?” God showed me that this was selfish thinking, or as a good friend would call it, “stinking thinking”. When we love someone, there shouldn’t be any expectation from that person. Love comes from God because God is Love. A very wise person told me that the love in our hearts weren’t put there to stay. Jesus said:

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.

Matthew 22 : 37-39

I tried to hold onto my husband so tightly so he could continue to give me the validation I desperately needed. It’s normal to want to feel validated and wanted, but what isnt normal is looking to people for that validation because Jesus is the only One that can fill it. He is the only One that can make us feel whole.

Unbeknownst to me, I needed my husband to leave in order to draw closer and depend on God more to help find myself again. All I wanted was understanding and now I feel like I have it. It’s like when you have a car and the engine light is on but you don’t know what is wrong. Now I know whats wrong. Now I’m able to concentrate on myself and do what I need to do to get healthy for my kids and I. They need me to be healthy and strong so I can guide them through the rough patches in their lives. The Lord is generously peeling back the onions of my life, while helping me tackle everything that has been keeping me in bondage for decades. Oh, boy, it’s painful, but I am determined to allow God to strengthen me so I can continue to stand firm during the war raging in the spirit realm over my soul.

For the past couple of months, although it has been one of the toughest things I’ve ever had to do in my life thus far, I have been able to genuinely love and forgive my husband. At one point, I never though I would be able to do that. I’m able to think of him without feeling a stabbing pain in my chest. I’m able to listen to love songs and not feel bitter and abandoned. I able to talk to him when needed like a civilized person and not feel hate, sadness, or dis-contempt. And it is AWESOME!

When I began this journey of healing, I was afraid. Healing means we have to face what we need healing from. And when we are used to dodging those bullets, it frightening to know that we must face them. Although it is a painful process, it is so worth it. I am able to have a relationship with my husband that’s not filled with dysfunction all while giving him the space he needs to seek God without my interference. Only God can save both him and I. Our identity, love and affirmation must come from Him alone. The only thing that God would like for me to do for my husband is continue to choose to love him everyday and pray for him. And I’m thankful because that is all I have in me to do.

If you find that you struggle with codependency, there are so many resources that can help you. Just like any 12-step program, the first step is to admit that our lives have become unmanageable and that we need a Higher Power or God to help us get back on track. They offer online Zoom support groups if you would like to hear how other people are dealing with it in their lives. Just go to http://www.coda.com. It has helped me tremendously.

Well, that’s all for now. Thank you for reading my thoughts. Remember you are not alone. Please email me if you want to talk or have questions. God bless each and every one of you and please remember to pray for one another.

Hello Friends,

Today it is hard to write about this stage because I don’t find myself in this space right, although it very possible I will find myself at this stage again; anger! In the last blog post https://harotianessentials.org/2020/04/07/shock-and-denial/, I stated that during the stages of grief, it is not a one and done situation. We may find ourselves going back and forth between stages. I’ve spent many sleepless, teary nights wondering why I feel angry when I thought I had accepted my situation. When we find ourselves in a devastating, life altering circumstances, we have two choice that we can make; we could allow ourselves to feel the emotions or we could stuff them.

Accepting Our Emotions

When we accept our emotions, yes it sucks. It really sucks. I really, really sucks, but there is an upside. Accepting our emotions means letting go the thought that we can control how we feel. Feelings aren’t bad. Feelings can’t hurt us. But feelings can lead us to do harmful things, such as, abuse our loved ones, become or feed our unhealthy addictions, or allowing ourselves to fall into deeper depression.

When I was first diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder I, I didn’t accept it. When I felt those highs and lows, I covered them up with destructive behaviors which played a part in the dissolution of my first marriage (probably my second), loss of great friendships, loss of family relationships, and my inability to hold a job for longer than six months. Some of those losses haunt me til this very day, yet they are learning experiences, contribute to my growth, and has helped me to forgive myself.

Now that I am trying to accept and deal with my emotions, especially anger since that is my go-to, I am able to reach out for support, go to counseling, and find other ways to deal with my emotional discomfort before I make other terrible decisions. Don’t get me wrong, I still make horrible decisions when I am emotional, they’re just not as damaging or consistent as they used to be. I’m able to step back and look at the situation from the perspective of my support system and do what is right for my family and my recovery journey.

God gave us emotions for a reason. We live in a broken, painful world so God knew before the world was created what we would be up against. Throughout the Bible, He gives us comfort by not only validating our feelings, but by also giving us comfort and ways to deal with them. Whats so awesome about God is that no matter the emotion we express, good or bad, He will forgive us and help us cope.

When we accept our emotions, we are able to open our hearts to Jesus and allow him to heal our wounds, all the while relinquishing that right that we feel like we have to hold onto unforgiveness and bitterness. And trust me! Holding onto to unforgiveness and bitterness is the worst because it is like drinking poison expecting the other person to die. It controls our lives, how we treat ourselves and other people.

During this stage of grief, I find myself angry with a lot. I am angry with myself for not seeing this coming. I am angry that I’m in this position at 34 years old when I saw my life being so different. I am angry because a lot of times I feel lonely and depressed. And I am angry that I can’t control that I’m angry, but…..

I can control where I place that anger, in the hands of Jesus. He is the only person who knows my true feelings, where those feelings are coming from, and how to deal with them. Most importantly, he will comfort me and heal my wounds. There are so many days and nights that I would cry and imagine myself sitting in the lap of my heavenly Father. I know that He is with me, holding me, comforting me, making sure that I make it through this season. EVERY SINGLE TIME I cry out for Him, Gods presence is so real and I ALWAYS feel better and have hope at the end of my tears. What a mighty God we serve. His peace and love is everlasting, meaning it never ends. His peace and love never fails, meaning it always works. His peace and love is living inside of us, meaning we can access it whenever, wherever we want.

Stuffing Our Feelings

When we stuff our feelings, we are more prone to participating in destructive behaviors.; drug addictions, promiscuity, overeating, decline in mental and physical health, etc. Holding onto unforgiveness and bitterness is one of the most damaging things we can do to our mind, body, and souls.

I always tell my kids that forgiving someone is not about the person that wronged you, but about allowing yourself to move on and continue to view the world the way Jesus does. Trust me, it’s hard and it takes a lot of prayer, but it’s so worth it. You experience so much peace from it. Not human peace because that would be impossible. The peace I’m speaking of is biblical peace: when the storm is all around us, when everything is going wrong, but we can still be thankful and sing songs of praise to our God because we know that it’ll work out for our good. Amen.

So, what does God say about anger:

“Don’t give in to worry or anger; it only leads to trouble.”

Psalm 37 : 8

“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

Proverbs 15 : 1

“Keep your temper under control; it is foolish to harbor a grudge.”

Ecclesiastes 7 : 9

Now, how does God help us with anger:

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; 7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4: 6-7

Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy-meditate on these things.

Philippians 4: 8

Ultimately, it is OK to be angry during our grieving process, but it is very important that we do not hold on to it. Give it to God because we weren’t made to take on such a burden. I find myself angry a lot, but since I have been in recovery, I no longer find myself angry for a long time.

My “anger routine” is get angry, soak in it and feel sorry for myself, realize I’m being silly, pray my forgiveness prayer, get frustrated because I feel like its not working, call my mentor so she can give words of encouragement, cry, laugh, reread my forgiveness prayer, feel better, and move forward. Sometimes the process is shorter, sometimes its longer, but in the end I must tell you, it is all worth it. And I’ve found that I become less angry at things and people that I used to become angry at, at the drop of a hat. It’s really working! Who knew? *I say sarcastically*

Anyway, thank you for reading my thoughts. I pray that I was able to encourage you if you are dealing with anger right now. I promise, with God in your corner, you will make it through. Feel free to email me at harotianessentials@yahoo.com if you want to vent or talk. God bless you and please remember to pray for one another.