In Memory Of….

I remember being as young as 5 years old, observing that actions of others. I knew from a very young age, what I wanted my life to be like. Of course, back then, I did not know the specifics, but I knew what and who I did not want to be.  I wanted to be smart. I wanted to be successful, not with monetary possessions, but with love and respect. I wanted to be nice to everyone, no matter who they were or what they did. When I was old enough to have children, I wanted to be their best friend and their mother. I wanted to shower them with love and gifts, but at the same time teach them the true meaning of life.

As I grew, the more specific my life’s requirements became. This caused me to have a feeling of entitlement for the things I wanted in my life. Looking back, I noticed that I did not pay to much attention to other people or serious life issues. And then I turned 30 years old, with three children and a husband. It’s almost like I woke up, and this was my life. And all of those things that I thought I wanted, well let’s just say, life had other plans.

Not only did I turn 30, but I was diagnosed with an immune disorder. Unknowingly, these two events would turn my world completely upside down. I used to worry about gossip, lose or gain of friends, or even finding a babysitter so I can go out. But then, life threw the fastest curve ball at my head. It is like, life purposely aimed at my head cause that curve ball knocked me on my ass so hard, that I died.

The Ashley that I worked so hard to become, since I was a little girl, started to slowly slip away. At first, I thought, I’ll come back from this. But then, almost everything Ashley wanted to be was fading, eventually floating into the dark abyss. I then realized, that this diagnosis wasn’t just the run of the mill, life problem. This diagnosis is not something that I’ve ever thought about, nor prepared for. Thinking about it now, since I’m such a control freak, it’s probably why I’m grieving so much, because it was unexpected.

So, in memory of Ashley Tara. She was kind soul, and became what she thought she deserved. Which honestly, wasn’t much.

Now, I must find this new person. I’m not sure who she is, but she carries the same hustle mentality and drive that the old Ashley had. This new person has the strength of the old Ashley, plus more. I’m just not sure if I know it yet. They will sing songs about my old identity, about my triumphant win against chronic depression and lupus nephritis.

The best part about this diagnosis, is that this new person is able to enjoy the things that the new Ashley has once forgotten. She can now see the beauty and joy in people who the old Ashley no longer enjoyed; the glow from my kids smile, the wonder of a sunset, and the blessing in hearing a bird sing. My new heart has been opened and my mind has been released.

I used to mourn the loss of the old Ashley, but the more I think about, the more I think a part of her had to go, so that this new person has room to grow and flourish. I miss a lot of the qualities that the old Ashley possessed, and some of those qualities I would like to have back. But I think in order for me to fulfill my duty in life, I have to follow this new journey that has been given to me.

So I say farewell to the old Ashley. It was amazing having that part of myself for the last 30 years, but now there are goals that I need to accomplish. And this path will take me there. Although, things may seem detrimental, it is all for a reason. I have to make all this pain and confusion turn into something that will live on well after my physically body is deceased.

If you are reading this, and you are suffering from a chronic illness of any sort, just know, mourning you’re healthy lifestyle is normal. You will find that you can move forward by getting to know the new you. As you know, once you deal with an illness, your life changes dramatically, and you may find yourself doing or saying things you thought you would never have to. It’ll get better, you HAVE to believe that.



Love Letter from Depression

Dear Ashley,

Its your oldest friend, depression. How’s it been? I’ve missed you so much. I’m glad to hear that you are sick because I knew it would be the easiest way to get back into your life.

I’ve missed our long nights of no sleep and endless tears. I’ve missed the sound of your heart breaking every second of every day. Do you remember, Ashley? Do you remember the wonderful negative thoughts you used to have? I’m glad to see that they have come back, stronger than ever.

I love that you feel like a horrible parent and a horrible wife. I love to watch your tears flow as you beg God for mercy.

It’s just you and I, Ashley. Cant you see? We belong together. You and I are one. I will never leave you, nor forsake you. No matter how many pills you take, no matter how many bible scriptures you read, no matter how much you pray, I will always be with you.




Young Parenting

I was on Facebook the other day, and I saw this picture of this young lady. In the picture, she was standing alongside her five beautiful children. I am not sure of their ages, but the oldest child looked around 6/7 years old, and the youngest child was 6 months old. Above the picture, the caption read, “When you[r] 22 with 5 kids, one is 6 months and the other one disabled.” The caption was suppose to boast about how well she is doing with 5 children when she is only 22 years old. I will admit, the kids are super cute and based off of the picture, it seems that they are well taken care of.

She immediately began to get thousands of comments. Some good, some bad. There were people who felt outraged by the picture, stating that she’s “a hoe” for having so many kids at such a young age. Others praised her for keeping her children clean and well put together in the photo. Others were just being a bag of butts, commenting hateful words about her disabled son.

I wanted to share my thoughts, but its Facebook. Who pay attention to anything someone has to say, that may be insightful, on facebook? So, I would like to share my opinion with you guys.

When I was 20 years old, I became pregnant with my first child. I was more excited than fearful. I knew everything that I did NOT want to do with my child. I had it all mapped out; her father and I would get married, we would have great jobs, buy a house with a white picket fence, and live happily ever after. Well, it didn’t exactly go like that. There were so many people who tried to tell me, in a nice way, that I wasnt ready for a baby, and that I really didn’t know what I was doing. At 20, I was pretty mature for my age, but looking back at it, I wasnt mature enough. I thought I knew what I was doing. I would get offended when people would say, you’re to young to have a baby.

There are so many things that I didn’t think about then, that I think about all of the time now. The problem with having a baby at a young age, is that, at 20 years old, no matter how mature I was, there were life lessons that I hadnt experienced yet, that would come in handy when raising kids, and that I would learn until later on in life. I would get offended when people would say, you’re to young to have a baby.

It’s common sense that children are expensive. But geez! I never thought about the expenses of braces, specialty care for disabled/sickly children, school clothes and supplied, activities, etc. I definitely didn’t think about the fact that something may happen to me, to where I am unable to care for them like a mother should take care of her children. I also didnt think about when I need to get away, I can’t just walk away. I cant leave or take a vacation. I have to be here with them, especially when all 3 kids are calling my name, back to back to back to back, without taking a breath. I have to be here.

When I think about parenting, I think about the things that our children need and deserve to become productive citizen of society. Yes, they are my children, and I love them unconditionally. But one day, they will be someones wife or husband. They will be parents, co-workers, friends, etc. So, I have to raise them the right way, the proper way. And when you’re young, you really don’t know the proper way yet. You’re still trying to find yourself; your likes and dislikes, your career choice, your temper, and how you deal with certain social situations. Otherwise, you’ll just end up teaching them childish ways, because you haven’t matured enough yet.

I love my kids, but I do wish I would have waited to have them. I think that if I had the knowledge then, that I have now, I would have done things so much differently. Now, I’m 31 years old with 3 little people who I am responsible for and to be quite frank, I still have no idea what I’m doing. But at least now, I am mature enough to admit that.

So, my opinion, even though her children are well taken care of, and she may be a great parent, will her lack of life experience and juvenile ideas of the world allow her to raise productive members of society? I have no idea. I guess we will find out in a few short years.



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