Mental Illness Made Me Selfish

Hey Friends,

Recently, I’ve lost my voice, literally and figuratively. It’s frustrating and heartbreaking to say the least. Story time: The other day, I lost a friend over personal differences. I can’t help but to wonder if this friendship is just another casual victim to the mental illness that plagues my life every single day. This wouldn’t be the first friend or family member that decided to give up on our friendship or has forced my hand to give up because of the baggage I carry. I don’t blame them. It’s hard to deal with a person walking out their mental illness journey. But, this person was very special to me and I thought I was special to them. That part doesn’t matter. What does matters is how can I find my voice in these situations?

When I find myself in these situations, my broken heart takes over and I lose my voice. I lose the ability to defend myself if there is wrong-doing. I lose the ability to see the situation for what it is and not take it personally. I lose the ability to take the relationship straight to God and rely on His wisdom. I become immobilized. My mind is taken over with thoughts of what I could have done different to either save the relationship or to avoid the pain all together. I lose discernment and common sense. My main focus becomes “making the pain go away”. I become overly sensitive and and defensive. I internalize the negative thoughts and feelings I have about myself and feel as though everyone else feels that same way. I spend hours, sometimes days, trying to dig myself out of this pity pit I seem to get myself into. My mind understands that this is not reality, but my heart and my body aren’t on the same page; which then, takes over my mind. I become useless, then ultimately selfish. I think of no one but myself. I function only to “feel better” as much as I can. Heartaches destroys me. I don’t think this is a normal human function. Hearts get broken everyday. Why does it seem that mines can’t handle everyday mischief? Why am I a professional track star when it comes to heartbreak?

I would rather die than continue to live life this way. I’ve tried everything; psychiatry, therapy, God. No matter what I do, I continue to find myself in a prison of suicidal thoughts and selfish coping mechanisms. It’s normal for people to think that this is all an act, or the fact I can help feeling this way. For me, this is furthest from the truth. If I would a trillion dollars, I would give up every last penny to not feel heartache for just one moment. No feelings of guilt or shame. No feelings of despair and hopelessness. FOR. ONE. MOMENT.

Thank you for listening and reading my thoughts. I know it’s not the cushy, motivational content but today I just do not have the strength. Love you all. Please remember to pray for one another.

With Love, Ashley

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