Sometimes We’re Not Who We Think We Are

Hey Friends,

A couple of weeks ago, I became aware that I am going through a manic episode. If you are new to my blog, please click here to read my journey of being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I.

On one hand, I’m really proud of myself for not going into complete denial mode but on the other hand, I’m frustrated that I cannot fulfill the wild urges that I’m having. I feel like a caged animal. But, I am aware that if I unleash the bipolar beast, all hell will break loose. Not just for me, but for my family. I’ve come a long way keeping this beast tamed, but every day I wake up, the more I want to release it.

Sometimes it’s hard not to focus on the things that are right in front of you. There are many times I feel as though I put too much emphasis on my illness, but then there are other times I feel as though I don’t put enough thought into it. When I don’t think about my illness, it is easy to be in denial. I begin having thoughts like, “Maybe this is all in my head. Maybe there is no such thing as mental illness. Maybe, just maybe, everyone else is crazy and I’m just living the life that I’m supposed to. Maybe, God made me this way for a reason and society is just trying to tame me to make themselves feel more comfortable.”

Recognizing manic episodes is important to me because I want to do something about it. I don’t want to sit in it. If I could speak bluntly, a lot of people who talk mental illness claim it like it’s apart of their identity. They say things like, “MY mental illness.” I used to do the same, but when you claim something long enough, then it does become apart of you. It’ll attach itself to you like a leach. You’ll become less of you and more of it.

Mental illness is a condition, it is not me. A part of controlling this condition is recognizing when it may be out of my control and understanding that it has the potential to be out of my control. The crazy thoughts above is an example of how my mind can take me down a rabbit hole of more self-doubt and less God.

This condition was birthed out of the womb of this broken world, but we were birthed from the love of God. When God came down from His kingdom, I imagine He got on His hands and knees, grabbed a large clump of wet dirt and began molding us into his perfect image (Ephesians 2:10, Genesis 1:26). Can you imagine God getting dirty just for us? Think about it. He created everything just by speaking it into existence, EXCEPT for us. For us, He got on His hands and knees to mold us, to make us exactly how He wanted us to be and took his wonderful breath and breathed it into us. Praise God. Sidenote: I imagine Gods breath smelled like cinnamon and mint. 🙂

But then Adam and Eve doubted Him and fell into Satans trap. Along with that trap came anger, fear, shame, guilt, and of course mental illness.

Mental illness is not who God made you to be, it is just a result of our broken world. So, decide right now to accept your flaws, but to also accept that God makes no mistakes and He is perfect (Psalm 18:30). Decide to not claim what this fallen world has thrown at you, but instead rejoice in knowing that a perfect God made you to be YOU! Take your addictions, your fears, you flaws, your guilt, your shame, your anger, and your despair to Him. He will comfort you, He will love on you, and He will bless you.

Thank you for reading my thoughts. This post was a long one, but the Holy Spirit needed someone to read this. Love you all and please remember to pray for one another.

He gives power to the weak and strength to the power. -Isaiah 40:29

September 3, 2018September 3, 2018

Glorious Labor

Happy Labor Day Friends,

Thank you to all of the hard-working people in our country that make it run as smoothly as possible. Everyone from the stay at home moms to CEOs of our favorite grocery shops to the school janitors…THANK YOU! Our social and economic achievements have made us one of the best countries to live in. Despite the bad, we as a country has done great things for our families that I personally will always be grateful for.

Yesterday, I was reading Philippians 3:12b:

“…I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me.”

Paul is speaking to us about pursuing the life that Jesus has waiting for us in heaven, here on earth. A Christ-like life that should be a goal that’s pursued, and not a mere moment of achievement.

Celebrating Labor Day is a great way to pat ourselves on the back for being hard-working Americans, but the real celebration starts when we get to heaven to acknowledge the labor we’ve done on Earth for the glory of God.

I pray you all had a wonderful day and I pray that you felt Gods presence in your heart. Please pray for one another. I love you all.

Kicking back is that much sweeter when you’ve earned it. – Caroline Picard

August 23, 2018August 24, 2018

1,036

Last November, I was in such a dark space. I was physically ill, mentally isolated, and extremely depressed. I so badly wanted to get out of my own head and start a journey of recovery, but I didn’t know where to start. So, I started in the only place I’ve always known where to start; writing.

I didn’t have a plan. I didn’t have a goal of how many followers I wanted to reach or even what I wanted to talk about. I just wanted to write. I wanted a place where I can openly express myself to relieve the pressure of mental discomfort I was facing.

Then, something miraculous happened. You lovely people began to like and follow my page. To my amazement, you all started to actually enjoy what I had to say. Even when it didn’t make much sense.

Every follow I gained, every like that I received gave me goals that I wanted to achieve. I went from blogging once every few weeks, to once every couple of weeks, once a week, to almost every day. Wow!

Now, I log into today and see that I’ve gained over 1,000 followers!

1,036 Followers to be exact!

Thank you all so much! There aren’t enough words in any language to express how grateful I am to each and every one of you.

This number is so important to me because, although some people may not read everything that I write, I know that I have the chance to encourage 1,036 people to get through the difficulties of everyday life. I have the chance to bring 1,036 people to Jesus. I have the ability to share the gospel with 1,036 of God’s people.

What A Blessing!

So, thank you, thank you, thank you to each of you. May God bless you, keep you, comfort you, and grace you with His love.

Thank you all for your continued encouraging words. They have helped me out of some pretty dark times. They have inspired me to continue to do what I love to do best, which has played a large part in my mental wellness.

August 21, 2018August 21, 2018

Do You Have High Self-Worth or High Self-Esteem?

Hello Friends,

Yesterday, I gave an example of how I struggle with self-worth (click HERE). Many people do not realize that there is a difference between self-worth and self-esteem. Self-esteem is how much you THINK you’re worth, while self-worth is what you are ACTUALLY worth.

The world will trick you into believing that self-esteem is more important than self-worth. Self-esteem is measured by what you have financially, economically, socially, and physically. While self-worth is measured by the fact that God sacrificed his only son so that we can be saved from eternal damnation.

Let’s go over the facts…

God created everything (Genesis 1)…

God created man to rule over all creatures of the earth (Genesis 1:26)

God provides food and water for all plants and animals on earth (Psalm 147:8-9) We see proof of this everytime we walk outside and hear birds chirping, leaves blowing in the wind, grass sprouting in our front yards, and sunrise/sunsets.

If he loves even the smallest creatures enough to provide food for them to survive, then can you imagine how much he loves the creatures that he put in charge of said small plants and animals? He even loves those ugly bugs that you see in the seal of your window during the summer months.

It shouldn’t matter what others think of us because the world has a bad habit of lowering our self-esteem in order to make itself feel better. For some reason, people only feel better about themselves when others feel worse about themselves. It’s a paradox that has us stuck in a cruel cycle.

Here are ways that you can FIND YOUR SELF WORTH

Know your strengths and weakness
- Related Post: Weakness Is Strength
- What comes easily to you?
- What would you like to do?
Become more aware of yourself
- remove distractions
- stop comparing yourself to other people
- try to face the hard truths about yourself
Be courageous
- Related Post: Why You Should Believe You’ll Be Just Fine
- face your fears
- be honest about your likes/dislikes
- find what motivates you/discourages you
Learn and reflect on your past and present mistakes to make a better future
- understand that self-awareness is a lifelong journey
- ask yourself-
- - What happened?
- - What could I have done better?
- - Where did I go wrong?
- - Where did I go right?
- - What I can do better next time?
Try new things
- embrace the word “yes”
- go outside of your comfort zone

Find the oppurtunities that exist. Create the ones that don’t

Use all of your available resources
- internet
- textbooks
Improve yourself by investing in yourself
- Related Post: Unapologetically Living Life
Think, Reflect, Accept, Action
Ask yourself- What’s affecting your awareness of self-worth?
Avoid negative thoughts
- Related Post: Journey to Forgiving Yourself
- Retrain your thoughts
- See yourself as God sees you
Connect with other positive people
- Related Post: How I Got Rid of Toxic People In My Life
- join a small or large group
Create attainable goals:
- Related Post: Steps to Manifesting Your Goals
- Check them off one by one
- It doesn’t matter how big of a step you take, as long as it’s in the right direction

Thank you all for reading my thoughts. I pray that each and every one of you allow God to show you His awesome love so you can know that you are more than worthy of it. Please remember to pray for one another and I pray that you are having a wonderful start to your Tuesday.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. -Psalm 139:14

**pictures belong to google**

August 20, 2018August 18, 2018

Questioing Self-Worth

It wasn’t until recently I noticed that I thought I was undeserving of nice things. An opportunity came up where my family and I was offered to sublease a really nice condo from a fellow church member. Her home was really, really nice. It is a lot nicer than my current home and in a way better neighborhood.

After viewing her home, anxiety set it. It was heavy anxiety. The kind that kept me up at night. I couldn’t put my finger on why I felt so uncomfortable. I loved her home. I loved the space, the funky wallpaper, the furniture, the animals, even the backyard. I loved the neighborhood, the school district for my children, and even the private parking space.

So, why did I feel uncomfortable? When I walked into my apartment after viewing hers, I looked around to see the broken light fixture that apartment management has taken weeks to come by and fix. I look at the broken screen door leading out to the patio and the small cluttered space that has my family basically living on top of each other.

I was confused. The opportunity to sublease her nice home compared to staying in my broken down apartment should have made me happy. So why wasn’t I?

Then I became conscious of a recurring thought that I’ve been having for most of my life, subsequently, I was never aware of it. It was a lightbulb moment. I was thinking why would someone like me deserve a nice home like that?

When I became aware of this thought, I was genuinely shocked. Why wouldn’t I be deserving of a nice home? I mean, of course, I am, right? I immediately asked myself, what kind of person thinks like this? Then the answer quickly came to me. The kind of person who has done so much wrong, they feel like they can never be redeemed. The kind of person who feels like they are deserving of every bad thing that happens in their life because of shameful acts from the past. The kind of person who doesn’t believe that their sins died on the cross with Jesus.

Wow! What a wake-up call. There are so many negative feelings that I continue to work through on a daily basis. It’s crazy how thoughts and emotions have been embedded into our psyche that has the ability to prevent is from accepting God’s blessings in our lives.

I’m being reminded on a daily basis that feelings of shame, guilt, and regret have to be fought continuously. One day I’ll feel forgiven and the next day, I’ll feel unworthy of all things good in life. Sometimes I even look at my children and wonder how they can love someone like me.

The way I see it, I am grateful that I am now aware of these feelings. Now I can be proactive about retraining my mind and thoughts to know that I am worthy of a nice home and other things that God wants to bless me with.

Thank you all for reading my thoughts. I pray that you guys see that how wonderful you are and that you too are worthy of Gods awesome blessings. Please remember to pray for one another.

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing.” -August Wilson

August 14, 2018October 9, 2018

Progress, Not Perfection

Good Day Everyone!

Wow, it feels great to write again. I had to take a break in order to concentrate on the things that are truly important, my family. I know what you’re thinking…Ashley, you’ve sung this same song before in Goodbye For Now and then came back a week later…But this time was different. 🙂 When I would take breaks, I would come back prematurely. This last time, I had to really focus on my family. They needed me and I needed them.

This past winter, my primary goal was to become healthier, physically and mentally. During that journey, I become selfish (which was much needed). I had to concentrate on my health so I could take care of my family and with Gods help, that is exactly what happened.

I feel so much better than I did earlier this year. Please read some of my stories to understand some of the emotional and physical hurt I was going through.

I’ve continued to seek God and as he promised, he has taken care of me. I no longer think about suicide or hurting myself as an option when I experience extreme stress. With the help of Jesus, medication, and family support, I can officially say I am doing great.

Don’t get me wrong, there are days that are really hard. There are days that I wake up extremely sad and unable to explain why. There are days that the Evil One tries to penetrate my thoughts with past guilt, shame, and worthlessness, but then I remember the promises of God.

I am LOVED – John 14:23
I am WORTHY – Psalm 139:13-15
I am FORGIVEN – Ephesians 4:32
I am HIS – 1 John 4:4

And guess what?

YOU ARE, TOO!

My kids started school today and it hit me, life is really happening. They are at a tender age where they see and understand everything that I do. They have started to ask “why” questions. Why are you crying, mom? Why can’t you leave the bed, mom? Why does your body hurt? And with help, those questions have been less frequent thanks to our Abba Faher. Plus, Jesus is so wonderful.

So, my new goal is to get back to the goals that I had before I became ill.

Grow my blog
Serve my family
Serve Gods people

Thank you all for reading my thoughts and continuing my journey with me. It is so important to me that you guys see the growth that happens when one commits themselves to become healthy by any means necessary; God, medication (optional) and support. Remember, progress is important, not perfection.

I pray you all are having a wonderful start to your week. I cannot wait to share with you the things that I have learned during my hiatus. Until then, love you all and remember to pray for one another.

But you belong to God, my dear children. You have already won a victory over those people, because the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world. -1 John 4:4

July 18, 2018August 30, 2018

Lord of Restoration

Hey Friends,

“They weep as they go to plant their seed, but they sing as they return with the harvest.” -Psalm 126:6

I think that this is another verse that we can lean on when we are opening up those old wounds in order to heal and move past our shame. Knowing there is “light at the end of the tunnel” and that we are going to come out no only healed, but “filled with laughter and (sing) for joy” (Psalm 126:2).

Our Abba Father is the God is restoration, not destruction. So, when are faced with situations that we have to revisit, know that God is with us the entire way.

As I’ve discussed in Expectations and July Monthly Theme: Emotionally Healing, I’ve been forced to deal with old wounds of rejection and abandonment from my past. They are definitely getting in the way of current relationships in life, including my marriage and co-parenting with my ex-husband. I know that those wounds have been opened so I can heal from them; so God can make some major opportunities happen for me.

I love spring cleaning. Well, I love how I feel after I am done spring cleaning, but during the process it absolutely sucks. To be honest, I hate getting into the nooks and cranny’s, making sure I get all of the dirt and dust that pilled has up before from the past months. Climbing on ladders, lifting furniture, moving heavy furniture it needless to say a hassle. I have to remind myself during the process that’ll it all be worth it once the cleaning over.

God is doing major spring cleaning in my life right now. I think he is doing that for everyone. We just have to be patient and trust him. I know once he is done spring cleaning during this season of my life it would be so worth it. I know that He will provide my true heart’s desire (Psalm 37:4) and his will for my life (Jeremiah 29:11).

God has wonderful plans for all of our lives. He loves us so much. He takes delight in making us happy, as any great father would for their children. (Psalm 149:4)

Take this time to allow God to spring clean your life. It may hurt. It may be uncomfortable. But remember, anything worth having comes with a price. If it were easy, everyone would do it.

Think of our ancestors. I’m sure Abraham was uncomfortable when he moved to a completely different area. I’m sure David was uncomfortable when he fought Goliath after the Israelite Army couldn’t. I’m sure Elijah was uncomfortable living with a woman who didn’t know, nor had little faith. And I know Noah was uncomfortable being a boat with all of those animals…what about Sarah, Moses, Samson, Peter, John, and most of all Jesus. I’m sure our brother was very uncomfortable being beaten, whipped, and hung from a cross for six hours in the hot sun.

Allow our Father to restore you, fill you, and love you.

Thank you for reading my thoughts. I pray you all to embrace the love of Jesus so God can move mountains in your life. I love you all. Please remember to pray for one another. Allow the Holy Spirit to direct you and comfort you during your spring cleaning.

July 17, 2018July 17, 2018

July Monthly Theme: Emotionally Healing

Hey Friends,

The past few days have been filled with much needed up’s and downs. The ups are always wanted and appreciated, but down days are filled with learning and worship. Does that make sense? I know it may sound crazy, but I’ve learned to take my bad days as learning experiences from God. Like little pop quizzes from what I have learned from good days.

Instead of allowing my mind to be filled with doubt and despair, I’ve learned to rely on the strength of the Lord to get me through. It doesn’t feel like the end of the world anymore. Better yet, it feels like God is giving me more time to correct my life so I can become who he needs me to be for his glory and kingdom.

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My down days have forced me to deal with bitterness that I didn’t know I was harboring. I thought I was over it until my ex-husband decided to make a decision that would not only change the lives of our lovely children but everyone in our family. My ex-husband decided to move to another state despite how it would affect our children. Needless to say, I was angry. Mostly because I knew the pain that my children would feel since I experienced the same abandonment and rejection by my own father.

Right after the move, I concentrated on making sure my children felt loved more than ever. I initially ignored my feelings so I can concentrate on theirs. I felt as though I was over it as the days and months went by because of the feeling of “I want to rip his head off” became less and less. But then, he would say something rude or selfish and those “I hate you” feelings would come rushing back.

Unbeknownst to me, I was becoming bitter. Or maybe I was already bitter and didn’t know how fast it was growing inside of me from the moment I heard “I’m moving!” Recently, I began reading this book called Chaos Beneath The Shade: How To Uproot And Stay Free From Bitterness written by Tracey Bickle. It shined a light on how I truly felt and what I need to do to get over my feelings. I don’t want to “hate” the father of my two oldest children. I most definitely don’t want how I feel to spew out onto them. That would break my heart even more.

So, I’ve come to the realization that I need to heal from the situation. I’m not the first woman to be left to raise her children without the father and unfortunately, I won’t be the last. Plus, I have a wonderful husband who has gladly stepped in to pick up what my ex-husband has left behind. So, first I began to pray, Lord, please heal my heart. Please remove this hatred stirring inside of me. That wasn’t enough though and Tracey Bickle let me know why.

How to Begin to Heal Emotionally

Pray for the person that has wronged you. At first, I didn’t like this idea, but there are a couple of reasons why praying for the person that has hurt is effective:
- Forgiveness breaks the cycle- So my children won’t be affected
- When you consistently pray for them, your heart will begin to heal itself
- Jesus said so…But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! -Matthew 5:44
- Why did Jesus say so? Because “If you love only those who love you, what reward is there for that? Even corrupt tax collectors do that much.” Matthew 5:46
- “[Forgiveness] softens our heart to see the temporary nature of the conflict.” -Tracey Bickle
Going through the process of forgiveness is helping you trust God and because you are being obedient, He will bless you. He will then hold the person who offended you accountable for their own actions. “Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven;” -Luke 6:37
Talk it out. Seek counseling or talk to someone who you trust that would be able to help you look at the bigger picture. We need those who can see what we don’t and with compassion, tenderness, and kindness, they can help us walk through it.
Let it go. It was hard for me to let go because I felt like he is “getting away with” abandoning his responsibilities, while he’s living his best life; doing as he pleases when he pleases. But I have to trust that God will hold him accountable for the real reason that he left. “But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” -1 Timothy 5:8

Simply put, this is not my fight, nor my worry anymore. I love my children more than anything! I will do anything for them to have great lives. And if that means letting go of the bitterness that I hold against their father, then I HAVE to do that. Plus, bitterness causes illness and I’m already sick enough, so this is my declaration that I am letting it go.

Thank you all for reading my thoughts. I pray that if you are holding onto any bitterness from someone that has hurt you, that you are able to hand it over to God so you can begin to heal. I love you all. Please remember to pray for one another.

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. -Ephesians 4:32

**Pictures borrowed from google pics*

July 15, 2018July 11, 2018

Expectations

Happy Sunday, Friends!

A friend of mines, husband, posted a comment saying Jesus followers were stupid for believing “someone rose from the dead to save lives”. At first, I was offended. I didn’t understand why he would post something like that knowing he had “friends” that were believers.

My first thought was that as a friend, I respected his choices not to believe, so he should respect my choice to believe.

God brought it to my attention that I was being selfish and unreasonable. I know right, how am I being selfish if he offended me? Well, I selfishly projected my expectations onto him. I expected him to respect my life choices as I respected his. I got upset because I expected more than what he is able to give. So, who’s really responsible for my hurt feelings? ME!

It’s not right to expect someone to behave in a manner I thought was appropriate. I then began to understand, that instead of being upset with him, I should pray for him.

Do good to those who hate you. Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you. (Luke 6:27-28)

I would ask, how or why would I bless him if he is judging me for my faith. Then I had I ask myself, who am I to judge. Wasn’t I once the same person who judged others for their faith? It is then I realized that it is God job to hold him accountable, not me. Just like, God held me accountable for my transgressions, no one else.

He has his opinion because he’s never felt the warmth of Jesus’ presence. The love and grace He gives you when you cry out his name in either pain or praise. It’s hard to believe that someone who has experienced his mercy would say such a thing.

So I began praying that my friends’ husband feels that kind of love. That good ole’ tears are flowing, heart is open, Holy Spirit is flowing, kind of love.

It’s taken me a while to get to this point. I am a believer because He was the only one that showed up and to pull me out of the pit of death. For me, believing in God is not a choice that I have, other than death. I’ve tried the worlds way of dealing with my illness and it almost killed me. Jesus is the only antidote to my sickness. That has been proven over and over again. So if that makes me stupid, then…🤷🏽‍♀️ It is what it is.

That being said, if you’ve run into someone that doesn’t share the same love of Christ as you do, don’t be upset. Please understand through a heavenly perspectively, that they don’t know what they are saying. Pray for them, so they can too, one day feel that good ole’ Jesus love and join us in heaven.

July 10, 2018July 10, 2018

More Precious Than All Of The Galaxies

There were so many moments that I hated myself. I hated that I was mentally ill. I hated the mistakes that I’ve made. I even hated that I knew I was going to continue to make mistakes, most likely the same ones, because I didn’t know how to “break” the cycles of destructive behavior.

Self-hatred can be the most appealing of all emotions because at least you know who and what you are. When other people would question who they were, I didn’t have to. I knew I was a bad person. I knew I sucked as a human being. I knew and accepted that I would go to hell one day. I would even joke about it. I would say something mean and follow up with, “Yep, I’m going to hell for that.”

During this journey of Seeking God, unbeknownst to me, I was also seeking myself. Learning about God, I was also learning about myself and how God feels about me. This was completely unexpected because I thought, I’m a horrible person but at least God has forgiven me so at least I won’t go to hell. He just accepts me as the bad individual.

It has become clear to me that I couldn’t be more wrong.

DID YOU KNOW?

Stars are clustered in galaxies, which on average are between one hundred billion and one trillion stars each. Astronomers have estimated that there are roughly one hundred billion to one trillion galaxies in the universe. So if you multiply those two numbers together, there are between ten sextillion and one septillion stars. Whoa! Needless to say, that is a lot.

Look at what God says about the stars…

Look up at the heavens. Who created all the stars? [God] brings them out like an army, one after another, calling each by its name (empasized added). Because of his great power and incomparable strength, not a single one is missing. -Isaiah 40:26

Now…look at what he says about us…

How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me. -Psalm 139:17-18

AND

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. -Psalm 139:13-16

Wow! Isn’t that amazing. You and I are more precious to God than anything that he has created and he has created some pretty amazing things. We must begin to see ourselves as God sees us, not as the world sees us. And in seeking God, this has been the most valuable lesson that I have learned thus far. Our God is amazing. Just open your heart and your ears and accept the endless, reckless love he has for all of us.

Thank you all for reading for thoughts. I pray that your day is going well and I pray that God is showering his blessings on you each and every moment. Please remember to pray for each other.

Peace. Love. Happiness in Jesus.

**Photos borrowed from google pics**

July 9, 2018July 9, 2018

Monday Inspiration: Warriors NOT Worriers

Happy Monday Friends,

It’s been a little bit since my last post, Healing: July Monthly Theme. I had to take a little time to concentrate on my mental, which was much needed. I’ve started attending counseling sessions and I can say that it’s going really well so far.

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I want to remind you that God did not create us to be stressed and worried all of the time. He wants us to trust that he will provide all of our needs today, tomorrow, and every day afterwards (Matthew 6:33-34).

When stressful times come, when the enemy seems ruthless while attacking you from every direction, remember

ARM YOURSELF WITH (Ephesians 6:10-18)

The belt of truth
Breastplate of righteousness
Shoes of the gospel
Helmet of salvation
Shield of faith
Sword of the spirit

Throughout the day, speak the words of God, the Good News of the gospel, and share your testimony. The more we speak the words of God, the more we defeat the enemy. It’s easy to speak the words of the enemy. It is in our sinful nature. Do what it right, not what it easy.

As I type these words to you, I am reminding myself as well. Lately, I’ve been faced with the reality that bitterness is no longer hiding like roots in the ground, but being released in the fruit that I bear.

This is what the enemy wants and I cannot allow it. No one likes to admit that they are bitter. At first, I didn’t want to admit it neither, but you can’t fix what you are not unaware of and what you choose to ignore.

So as I face the day, I shall wear the full armor of God, speak His truths, and relinquish my bitterness piece by peice:

Praying for those who have hurt me
Reading and listening to Gods words
Bringing light into the darkness, bringing hope to the hopeless, and bring love where it is needed.

I pray that each and everyone of you have wonderful day. May God continue to bless your lives with every breath.

Peace. Love. Happiness in Jesus.

June 13, 2018

What Was I Thinking?

Hey Friends,

I’m back! Didn’t take long did it, ha! It’s not because I have figured things out and I am back to being able to live life without questioning my own existence. Oh no! It’s quite the opposite. I am back because I continue to doubt and question myself and of course, I feel I am crazier than ever?

I had to remind myself of why I blog in the first place. I am a writer. It is my safe haven and my place of peace. Why did I think I can find peace by cutting out the one thing that helps me? If you look at my description is clearly states, “To share my journey of mental and physical illness while inspiring others along the way” or something like that, since I’m too lazy to double check the exact wording.

So, I asked myself, whats the point of taking a break when I am at my lowest? It is literally defeating the purpose of why I began blogging in the first place.

I can tell you what happened. I got caught up in the logistics of blogging. The “when to” “how to” “what to” of blogging. I began comparing myself to other bloggers, their views, and likes. I obsessively began to check my stats like I was actually getting paid to go this. I did what many of you say “What Not To Do As A Blogger”. It seems everyone has a post like this.

But, I didn’t get into blogging to get paid, although it would be super nice. I got into blogging to save myself from mental illness entrapment. I needed a place to express my feelings, hoping that others would be able to relate and blogging provides that.

I feel I owe the people who come to my blog as inspiration a sincere apology. I was being selfish. I forgot the true integrity of my blog and why I started it in the first place. Am I not being a hypocrite if don’t share the darkest moments of mental illness (which by the way, is my current state)? I became afraid and like a coward, I ran. Just being honest.

Facing scrutiny and judgment while living and telling your truth is expected. This is another reason why I look to God for strength. Also why I want him to use me to touch the lives of those who are going through what I am going through.

Anyway, this is my truth and my journey. Thank you to everyone who left kind comments under my last two post. I will respond to them as soon as I can because right now, it’s 1am and I couldn’t sleep. It is dangerous for someone who is struggling with mental illness (or any illness) to not get enough rest…it will literally make me even more insane (which would explain a lot), and who has time to deal with a manic Ashley?!? I sure as hell don’t.

Love you guys! Stay safe. Please, love one another as God loves you. Pray for one another as the Holy Spirit does for you. And save one another as Jesus did for you (you don’t have to die, but you know what I mean 🙂 )

*Image borrowed from google pics*

June 5, 2018June 5, 2018

Seeking God Part 5: Shame

Hey Friends,

Remember when I said I Suck At Maintaining Friendships, well I also meant online relationships as well. I apologize if many of you feel as though I don’t reciprocate the same love on your blogs as you do mine. I blog to release my feelings and share God’s words. So I apologize and will try to work on it. I truly love you all and are very proud of each and every one of you for doing what you love to do day in and day out.

Now that is out of the way, I want to share what happened to me tonight. Right now, I am currently reading a book by Christine Caine titled Unashamed. This is such a great read, especially if you are like me who has been carrying around the burden of shame since adolescent years.

While reading, it kind of ties into what happened tonight. So, as I was getting ready to head out to one of my classes at church, I looked for what seemed like an eternity for a shirt that didn’t show how skinny I am (current shame); anything too baggy or too tight would reveal an alarming skeleton frame. But, Eureka! I found a white shirt that I felt fit perfectly.

I get to my class, sit down next to my classmates, pull out my bible and notebook, look down only to see two large orange stains on the front of my shirt. Those stains led my eyes to a large brown stain on the left side of my shirt. My first thought was, “what the hell! This shirt was clean when I left the house 15 minutes ago.” After further inspection, it seems as though the stains were “sat-in” stains…meaning, even though I had washed it, those stains weren’t going anywhere.

Needless to say, I was embarrassed. I began to think about what other people would say to themselves when they noticed the stains. Would they think…“Oh, she’s dirty? She’s nasty? Why would she leave her house with a dirty shirt on?”

I would have never left the house in a shirt with stains all over it, for this exact reason…shame. Then I realized the lighting in my room and the lighting in my class are completely different. The lighting in my room made the shirt look nice, white, and clean. But the lighting in our classroom made my shirt look dingy with stains.

This made me think about my relationship with God. Before I began my journey, I felt like my life was nice, white, and clean. But then the more I sought God and the closer I became, the more He began to reveal that my life was just the opposite; gross, dingy, and stained. But he did this out of love to show me that the only way to “change my shirt” was through him.

Sitting in class, as embarrassed as I was, I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to hear what God had to say to me. Since this week has been emotionally tough, I needed to hear hope. But God didn’t speak to me during this class…or at least I didn’t listen to what he had to say. The chatter in my head about the stain on my shirt (and other nonsense I have no control over) was too loud for me to hear anything God had to say to me. So he chose to speak to me through Christine Caine.

The more we draw closer to God, the more God shines a light on our shortcomings… it may make us feel ashamed, embarrassed, just as Adam and Eve did when they ate the fruit from the forbidden tree. “At that moment their eyes were opened, and they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness. So they sewed fig leaves together to cover themselves.” Genesis 3:7).

When God shines his light on our shortcomings, it’s not to shame us, it’s to draw us closer to him. We were created to feel no shame. We were created in his image, his likeness (Genesis 1:27-28). Is God ashamed of us? No, quite the opposite. He made us “reign over the fish in the sea, the birds in the sky, and all the animals that scurry along the ground.” (Genesis 1:28).

As yourself, you would give that kind of authority to someone you were ashamed of? Would you kill your only Son for people you were ashamed of?

That is what’s so amazing about his love. God forgave Adam and Eve, even though they didn’t listen to the one and only rule he had given them; “But the Lord God warned him, “You may freely eat the fruit of every tree in the garden— ¹⁷except the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. If you eat its fruit, you are sure to die.” Genesis 2:16-17.

God still gave up the most precious gift he had, Jesus, so we didn’t have to feel shame, or guilt, or regret, or hate, or anxiety. He gave us his word as a guide and his promises that through him, we will see better days. Remember folks, the enemy has already been defeated on the cross…that battle has been won, through Jesus name. But I was told that even if you’ve cut the head off of a rattlesnake, his venom can still harm, or even kill you. Meaning, even though Satan was defeated on the cross, his “minions” are still working hard to turn you away from Jesus and shame has become one of best tactics.

When you walk into the brighter light and see of all of the stains in your life, don’t turn away from it. Don’t turn off of the light, but embrace it. God will tackle all of those stains one by one. Turn to Jesus when Satan throws another stain on your shirt because he is the only one that can get the stain out.

Love you all. Have a wonderful day. Please pray for Guatemala, each other, and anyone else you know who is suffering. The enemy is busy, but God is almighty. Blessed be, family.

“Fear not; you will no longer live in shame. Don’t be afraid; there is no more disgrace for you…” Isaiah 54:4

June 3, 2018June 3, 2018

I Would Like To Order The Early Bird Special, Please!

Hello Friends,

I saw a video on Facebook this morning that I couldn’t stop thinking about. I don’t remember the creator of the video, so know that the information that I’m about to lay on you didn’t come from me. Then again, are any of our ideas original?

Let’s call him, “Mr. Monk”. He said that the most successful people in the world wake up extremely early. “Mr. Monk” said that he lived as a monk (thus the nickname) for three years, which forced him to wake up every morning at 4am to meditate and do whatever monks do. He even said that some monks would wake up as early as 2am. Yikes! “Mr. Monk” went on to use successful people, such as, Michelle Obama, who is working out by 4am.

Apple CEO Tim Cook wakes up at 3:45 a.m and begins working on his emails.

Xerox CEO Ursula Burns rises at 5:15 a.m. to email and work out.

…for examples. I’ve always wanted to be an early riser. I remember being a teenager and I would watch my younger cousin wake up 2 hours before she had to be at work at 10 a.m. just to get her day started. I was always the last minute sleeper. I would wait until, literally, the very last minute I had to wake up in order to get to work during the 7-minute window they gave us to be late without getting in trouble.

Later in life, I noticed that I used to sleep as a coping skill to get through moments in my life. If I was sad, I would sleep. If I were angry, I would sleep. If I didn’t want to be bothered, I would sleep. Starting as a child into adulthood, I slept to escape the realities of mental illness. If I was asleep, I didn’t have to do or think about anything.

I remember when I began down this road of Seeking God (click the link to catch up), I desired to be an early riser. Mental and physical illness prevented me from doing so. When my Lupus symptoms started to get under control, it was more so the mental hell that I was living in that kept me captive in the bed. I slept not to feel shame, guilt, and rejection.

Then one day, out of the blue, I woke up around 6 a.m. while the kids were still asleep and spent the next hour and 45-minutes with God, reading my bible and journaling. It was truly a miracle. My body wasn’t stiff and in pain. My chest wasn’t caved in from anxiety. There weren’t the normal sounds of grunting, ooohhs, and aaahhhs. I felt…regular.

This gave me hope that I can have more days like this again. Soon afterward, I fell into a Lupus flare, but it didn’t matter. I did it!

“Mr. Monk” asked, what would you do if you were deposited $86,400 into your bank account each day. The catch is at the end of the day that it would disappear. But the same $86,400 would reappear the next morning. What would you do? Would you spend it on yourself? Would you spend it on other people? Would you invest it? Would you leave it sitting there untouched completely? My answer was, “darn skippy I would spend it, then invest it, duh! Every last penny. Then, do it all over the next day.”

Then he said, turn that same $86,400 into 86,400 seconds into your life account. What would you do then? What would you do? Would you spend it on yourself? Would you spend it on other people? Would you invest it? Would you leave it sitting there untouched completely? My answer completely changed.

I realized that God has been putting 86,400 seconds into my life account each day. Most days I use maybe 8,000 seconds, maybe!…other days I prefer to use none. When I fact, I could use most of it to help shape the world. Just as I would use the $86,400 to better the lives of my children and loved ones, I should use some of the 86,400 seconds from God to help better the lives of those same people (well most of it with the proper rest, of course).

Bringing awareness to God’s grace and salvation has become a goal of mine. Now that I know what is a stake, I can’t allow the seconds that God is gifting me to go unused any longer. I want to be able to be like most successful people in the world; wake up, do what needs to be done for the people who are defenseless to do it for themselves.

I no longer want to use sleep as an escape from reality. Now I’ve found more of a reason to do so. It’s funny how God will use non-believers to make a point and pull your attention back to the original plan of what he has designed you for. I’m not sure if “Mr. Monk” is a non-believer, but he definitely delivered a message from no one other than God.

I pray that each of you feels Gods unconditional love throughout the day. No matter your circumstances, you find peace in his glory, rest in his love, and comfort in knowing that you are a child of God.

“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing…” -Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

**Just a reminder, images and gif’s are not my own**

June 2, 2018June 2, 2018

Foggy Days

Hey Friends,

So, have you guys ever felt so busy or occupied that it is almost like you are in a fog? It seems for the past couple of days, I’ve been really occupied with my kids and maintaining a relationship with God, I haven’t been able to have time for anything else.

Lately, my mind has been reminded of heartbreaking moments in my life…relationships that have been lost in outer space (it seems). I’ve even been reminded by haunting dreams; people that I haven’t thought about in years have suddenly come up as if our relationship was obliterated yesterday.

I can’t help but to wonder, is this the trick of the enemy? Is it suppressed feelings that have stayed dormant for so long that they no longer can stay hidden in whatever God-forsaken area of my heart? Or is because of a recent heartbreak that opened the floodgate of hurt feelings that I’ve tried to ignore for years?

I’m not sure of the answers to any of these questions, so I’ve occupied my mind with two things that I know would bring joy to my heart; my children and God.

Fixing my focus on God’s love for us is vital to my mental and physical health. Simply put, when I feel good and I am able to “do good”. I’m able to be a good mother to my children, I’m able to take care of my household, and most importantly, I’m able to see past my own struggles and have hope for the future. And hope is so important when trying to overcome adversity.

I have hope in knowing that God has given the gift of grace and righteousness. I have hope because Jesus Christ died in order for us to live! When I meditate on that thought alone, I have no other choice but to worship and rejoice. Knowing that he has paid the price for my past, present, and future mishaps.

That being said, I don’t know where this feeling of heartbreak is coming from. I don’t know why, all of a sudden, I am hit with past and present foes, but I do know that I will not let them defeat me because Jesus’ death defeated them for me already. And it is a complete waste of time to spend anymore thought or energy on it.

So, Satan I say to you…

I pray that you are not allowing whatever demons haunting to no longer haunt you. I pray that you put on the armor of God each day that you wake up and fight as if your life depended on it because Jesus’ is fighting for you. I pray that you find comfort in God’s love for us and know that it is more than our mere human minds can comprehend. In Jesus name, I pray, Amen.

Have a wonderful blessed start to your weekend. Sorry I missed Funny Friday…I will be more prepared next week. I love you with all of my heart.

“So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor. Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.” -1 Peter 5:6-7