Sometimes We’re Not Who We Think We Are

Hey Friends,

A couple of weeks ago, I became aware that I am going through a manic episode. If you are new to my blog, please click here to read my journey of being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I.

On one hand, I’m really proud of myself for not going into complete denial mode but on the other hand, I’m frustrated that I cannot fulfill the wild urges that I’m having. I feel like a caged animal. But, I am aware that if I unleash the bipolar beast, all hell will break loose. Not just for me, but for my family. I’ve come a long way keeping this beast tamed, but every day I wake up, the more I want to release it.

Sometimes it’s hard not to focus on the things that are right in front of you. There are many times I feel as though I put too much emphasis on my illness, but then there are other times I feel as though I don’t put enough thought into it. When I don’t think about my illness, it is easy to be in denial. I begin having thoughts like, “Maybe this is all in my head. Maybe there is no such thing as mental illness. Maybe, just maybe, everyone else is crazy and I’m just living the life that I’m supposed to. Maybe, God made me this way for a reason and society is just trying to tame me to make themselves feel more comfortable.”

Recognizing manic episodes is important to me because I want to do something about it. I don’t want to sit in it. If I could speak bluntly, a lot of people who talk mental illness claim it like it’s apart of their identity. They say things like, “MY mental illness.” I used to do the same, but when you claim something long enough, then it does become apart of you. It’ll attach itself to you like a leach. You’ll become less of you and more of it.

Mental illness is a condition, it is not me. A part of controlling this condition is recognizing when it may be out of my control and understanding that it has the potential to be out of my control. The crazy thoughts above is an example of how my mind can take me down a rabbit hole of more self-doubt and less God.

This condition was birthed out of the womb of this broken world, but we were birthed from the love of God. When God came down from His kingdom, I imagine He got on His hands and knees, grabbed a large clump of wet dirt and began molding us into his perfect image (Ephesians 2:10, Genesis 1:26). Can you imagine God getting dirty just for us? Think about it. He created everything just by speaking it into existence, EXCEPT for us. For us, He got on His hands and knees to mold us, to make us exactly how He wanted us to be and took his wonderful breath and breathed it into us. Praise God. Sidenote: I imagine Gods breath smelled like cinnamon and mint. 🙂

But then Adam and Eve doubted Him and fell into Satans trap. Along with that trap came anger, fear, shame, guilt, and of course mental illness.

Mental illness is not who God made you to be, it is just a result of our broken world. So, decide right now to accept your flaws, but to also accept that God makes no mistakes and He is perfect (Psalm 18:30). Decide to not claim what this fallen world has thrown at you, but instead rejoice in knowing that a perfect God made you to be YOU! Take your addictions, your fears, you flaws, your guilt, your shame, your anger, and your despair to Him. He will comfort you, He will love on you, and He will bless you.

Thank you for reading my thoughts. This post was a long one, but the Holy Spirit needed someone to read this. Love you all and please remember to pray for one another.

He gives power to the weak and strength to the power. -Isaiah 40:29

28 Replies to “Sometimes We’re Not Who We Think We Are”

  1. Dear Friend Blogger, I forgot your name sorry, I am Bipolar 2 rapid so in a great part I understand. When I feel an :episod” coming not when I am already in one, I k God for help and try to be alone otherwise I take it on my husband because I can’te help myself and he is still learning how to deal with my illness.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. It’s ok!! I forget names all of the time. Going to Jesus is most important because hes the only one that can truly guide you through it and ensure you come out the other end safe and sound. Thank you for reading. Xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You have such an excellent way of giving perspective. I’ve felt for a long time that if you claim a problem then it claims you back.

    But there’s something that I don’t understand . What is the difference between a manic episode and just being in a good mood?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Great question. A manic episode is like having beer goggles on. You may feel like you’re making great choices and that everything is great and happy, but essentially you feel like you’re “Superman” or “superwoman” that can take on any and everything. Also, it all depends on if you’re Bipolar I or II that determines how your your episodes go. You have so much energy you never sleep, you can become sexually promiscuous, and your spending habits can become excessive. Those are just a few symptoms. My next post will go into further explanation.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Ashley, enjoyed how you make a point to not make Bipolar your identity. Jesus took every disease on his body so we can go free. It can be a process. This is one mountain to speak to in belief and see it cast into the sea. You are definitely an overcomer! xoxo

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much for your kind. All glory be to God for His mercy and continuous kindness. He is surely breaking me from the chains of bondage that I was once in. I pray you are having a wonderful day.

      Liked by 1 person

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