mental illness – Page 2 – Healing with Harotian

May 28, 2018May 28, 2018

Mental and Physical Illness Is My Thorn

Hey Friends,

Today I want to talk about something that has been on my heart to share. So I decided since I am kidless for the next couple of hours, I would take this opportunity to allow the Holy Spirit to use me to speak to you. That’s if you have time to read it, of course.

So, here’s goes. Self-pity is a very real entity in my life. It is for a lot of people, but very few will admit it. I’m sure everyone has gone through a moment of despair and uncertainty and have asked, “Why me? Why is this happening to me? I’m a good person. I don’t deserve this.” Whether it’s a loss of a loved one or possession, job, or when dealing with an unexpected unfortunate event, such as mental and/or physical illness.

There are so many times, I have asked God, “What did I do to deserve this?” I originally anchored my illness to the idea that it was punishment for all of the horrible things I have done over the years. And it seemed that he would never answer me back. He would only give me tools to get through whatever “crisis” that I was experiencing to get through it, such as, bible scriptures, support from my family and friends, and as of lately, support from my church elders.

There are two scriptures that I have learned to “lean on” during times of self-pity, just in case you’re feeling pitiful right now…

Jeremiah 29:11

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”

Proverbs 3:5-6

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.”

One day, last week, during a moment of “why me?”, I felt God said, “Baby, stop whining and come here. Let me tell you why this is happening.” Or at least that’s how I interpreted it. I’m sure God was so much kinder and gentler, but it was almost like a smack upside the head.

The Holy Spirit lead me to 2 Corinthians 12, where it talks about the visions and revelations that God gave to Paul about heaven (2 Corinthians 12:3-4). Paul says, “…that I was caught up to paradise and heard things so astounding that they cannot be expressed in words, things no human is allowed to tell.”

Heaven is also described in Isaiah 6:1, which states, “It was in the year King Uzziah died that I saw the Lord. He was sitting on a lofty throne, and the train of his robe filled the Temple.” and also in Revelation 4, which John describes seeing “a throne in heaven and someone sitting on it. The one sitting on the throne was as brilliant as gemstones…and the glow of an emerald circled his throne like a rainbow.” In verse 6, John also described “…in front of the throne was a shiny sea of glass, sparkling like a crystal.”

Paul then goes on to say that God gave him a thorn in his flesh to prevent him from becoming too proud, or full of himself. In other words, Paul was forced to be uncomfortable to remain humble with all of the wonderful blessings that he was receiving (2 Cor. 12: 7-9). Paul even states that his visions are worth boasting about, but he doesn’t want to do it because then it would take away from the fact that it was because of God’s grace that he was able to have such beautiful visions in the first place. Talk about humility.

In verse 8, Paul states that he asked God three times to remove the thorns. And do you know what God said…

2 Corinthians 12:9

“Each time he said, ‘My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.'”

When I first read this, I was like, “wait, what?” I need a little bit more than that Lord. I need money, I need health insurance, I need peace of mind. But then I learned the meaning of God’s grace.

The Old Testament word describing God’s grace is chesed. This word speaks of deliverance from enemies, affliction, or adversity. It also denotes enablement, daily guidance, forgiveness, and preservation. Grace means God moving heaven and earth to save sinners who could not lift a finger to save themselves. Grace means God sending His only Son to descend into hell on the cross so that we guilty ones might be reconciled to God and received into heaven. –AllAboutGod.com

See 2 Corinthians 5:21, Romans 3:22-24,Ephesians 2:8-10

And that’s not even to the tip of the iceberg. So then I was like…

Then our Abba Father hit me with his Tsunami-sized grace that had me like…

I was weeping like a baby, shouting, “Yes Lord, thank you, Jesus!!” Like Paul said, “That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Cor. 12:10)

So in conclusion (if you’ve made it this far down this extremely long post) I no longer see my mental and physical illness as a punishment, but yet the thorn in my flesh to draw me closer to our Abba Father and help further his agenda of drawing you closer to him as well. To be extremely honest, I wouldn’t have sought an intimate relationship with Jesus if I weren’t sick. I would still be living a life of sin…that good ole nasty, sticky sin, too. You know what I’m talking about.

My friends, if you are going through trials, hardships, loss, persecutions, and troubles as Paul describes, do not fret. Use this opportunity to draw closer to him. He will give you his grace on a platter. He will not only help you through it but restore you and heal you during the aftermath. He promised to never leave, nor forsake us. (Hebrew 13:5)

I love you all. I pray that each and every one of you is having a great start to your week. Happy Memorial Day to all of my United States followers. Stay safe out there.

“So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the LORD your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.” -Deuteronomy 31:6

May 17, 2018May 17, 2018

The Walking Dead: Ashley Edition

Hello Friends,

So, I’m a little frustrated, to say the least. I made the “mistake” of letting my psychiatrist know that I was having trouble sleeping. So, he did what most psychiatrist would do and prescribed a medication to help with not just depression and anxiety, but insomnia. Its called Sertraline, or commonly known as Zoloft. Right now, I am taking 50mg and he would like for me to increase that to 100mg in two weeks.

I’m frustrated because I am so tired. No, no, no…more like exhausted. I’m walking around like a freaking corpse. I feel like I’m an extra on The Walking Dead.

Right now, I would win an Oscar for best zombie performance in a series. I’m dozing off typing this right now.

I called my doctor today to let him know that I can’t do this. Like, come on man. I have things to do. I have a blog to run, kids to take care of, a house to clean. I can’t spend 20 hours of my day sleeping. It’s so bad, I’m having my husband drive me around because I am afraid I will fall asleep at the wheel.

He originally told me that it could take four to six weeks for my body to become properly adjusted to the medication. So, I just have to hold on strong until then. For now, please pray that I have the energy and strength to get my daily task done and not fall asleep while washing dishes or doing laundry or anything for that matter.

If you are taking medication to help with a condition that you are having, most likely, you are dealing with side effects. I encourage you to be patient during the process of your body adjusting. Some medications come with some pretty severe side effects, so I recommend talking to your physician about them.

The worst thing you can do is to just stop taking them. For anti-depressants, if you immediately stop taking them, you are subject to psychosis and that is a big no-no. Although I am extremely annoyed and frustrated by this process, I know that it is going to help me in the long run. I just have to be patient. If not, I plan on working closely with my healthcare team to make sure we come up with a plan that works for me. I encourage you to do that same.

Thank you so much for reading my thoughts. I pray that you are having a wonderful evening (morning for my overseas friends). I appreciate every like, comment, and share. Stay blessed!

May 16, 2018May 16, 2018

May is Mental Health Awareness

Hey Friends,

So, last week I blogged about how May is Lupus Awareness Month, but many of you may know that it is also Mental Health Awareness month. Fortunately, I struggle with both Lupus and mental illness.

Yep! You read that correctly, I said “fortunately”. Why would I feel fortunate to have both a physical illness and a mental illness? It doesn’t make sense. I must be plum crazy right?

We are confident that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in the comfort God gives us. -2 Corinthians 1:7

Well, if it weren’t for my current circumstance, I would have never found a reason to draw closer to the Lord. Some people like to call it “hitting rock bottom”. I became so depressed, I had no other choice but to seek God’s grace and beg for him to either take the illness’ away or help me cope with it.

Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. -1 Thessalonians 5:18

Thank You Ms. Carey

Today, I received a notification from Apple News that read, “Mariah Carey Once Hospitalized After Believing Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston, & Prince Were Dinner Guest”. Wait! Before you stop reading, this post is NOT celebrity gossip or even my opinion on the matter. I promise, there’s a point.

So, if you are a fan of pop culture, then you would know that the mother of two, multi-platinum selling recording artist, Mariah Carey recently announced that she struggles with Bipolar Disorder to the public. When I read the headline I immediately assumed that if the incident did happen (cause let’s be honest, you can’t believe everything you read in the media), I’m sure it was during a manic episode. Or maybe, she is a medium and communicates with spirits. Honestly, you never know.

My point is, I feel sad for her, but I’m so grateful that she has decided to share her story. She is a world-renowned diva, whose voice and passion has gotten me through some rough times. Her decision to be open about her condition has brought awareness to millions of her fans. And I appreciate that. More awareness brings additional education and understanding and hopefully better resources. So the next time, we find out a loved-one may have symptoms of Bipolar Disorder, you can help them and not judge them.

Please read She Must Be Crazy on how to approach a loved one if you suspect they are struggling with a mental illness.

Also, please read I’m Coming Out, I Want the World to Know about my personal journey with Bipolar Disorder. I’ve never had dinner plans with the deceased, but I probably wouldn’t mind it neither.

I pray that God is with everyone who is struggling with mental/physical illness, addiction, heartbreak, and any other ailment, that He heals us and comforts us. That He extends His love so we know that we are not alone. I also pray that we find healing in your word, for you tell us that “your word is alive and powerful” and that “it is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword cutting between soul and spirit” (Hebrews 4:12). We are all in this fight together as children of God.

Thank you to everyone who took the time out of their day to sending inspirational, loving comments under my last post. I was going through it for a moment, but after I prayed a few prayers and talked to supportive people, I was able to come out of the dark space I was in. I began to doubt whether or not I should have allowed myself to be so public with my breakdown, but then sharing my journey wouldn’t be authentic. 🙂 So thank you to everyone who prayed for me. And of course, thank you to everyone who I began has enough patience to read my long post. I can go on and on and on, like now.

Love you all! Thank you for your continued support. Stay blessed!

“With God’s help we will do mighty things, for he will trample down our foes.” -Psalm 60:12

April 18, 2018

Imbalance

It seems that when one is trying to get right with God, the enemy tries to discourage you. I’m apologizing ahead of time for the grammatical errors and misspelling. Tears are streaming down my face as I try to wrap my heart around how I’m supposed to deal with everyday life and battle my mental illness. It seems so impossible.

God has been trying to convince me that He will not put anything on me that I cannot handle and I know He knows me better than I know myself, but…why, why do I have to hurt so much? Why is it so hard just to get through one hour or even one minute of every day?

Lord I’m trying to flood my mind with your word, but my thoughts are becoming louder. Please save me.

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Today, I was supposed to post another article on Autism, but really, my heart isn’t there right now. So, please visit Autism Speaks to get more information on ways to cope with Autism Spectrum Disorder. They have helped me understand what autism means and provided wonderful ways to support my son, RJ.

To catch up on his story, please visit 💙❤️💛💚Dancing To Your Own Beat: Autism Awareness💙❤️💛💚 and Rj’s First Fist Fight…And Im A Little Proud!.

Thank you all for reading my thoughts. Please pray for one another. Everyone is struggling because more and more people are depending on God, instead of themselves, so the enemy is working overtime to prevent that from happening.

For those who are having a rough day, here is a cute puppy video to lift your spirits.

Love you all and stay blessed!

^“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” -Jeremiah 29:11

April 17, 2018April 17, 2018

7 Reasons Why We Avoid Progress

Hello Friends!

Have you ever been afraid to become a better you? That sounds crazy right. You’re probably saying, “why would someone be afraid of progressing in life?” We would like to think that we want and need progression in our lives, but very few people will admit to being afraid of it. I know I am.

I so desperately want to get better, feel better, and do better. So why does the thought of “being a better me” frighten me so much? There must be something wrong with me, right? WRONG!

Ron Edmondson is a church leader and pastor of Immanuel Baptist Chruch and is an avid believer in Jesus. I was introduced to him by one of my church elders and leader of the group that I’m in called Crash the Chatterbox, Bert.

Bert gave our class a handout that explained why we are afraid of progress written by Ron Edmondson. When I first read it, I thought the same thing you said, “Why would anyone be afraid of progress?” But then I started reading. The reasons he stated makes sense and has transformed my perception, so hopefully, it’ll transform yours as well. Let’s do this!

7 Reasons We Avoid Progress by Ron Edmondson

It stretches us– Progress will lead to unchartered territories; areas that you have never been in before. The unknown can be scary
It invites us– Progress loves to create interest in new activities and circumstances. In order to fuel and maintain the momentum, one must embrace the continuous change that is going to happen.
You HAVE to improve– Progress requires more energy and effort as it progresses. Keep in mind, “You have to get better to get bigger.”
It’s often messy– I like to say, “Anything worth having is going to require a fight.” If it were easy, everyone would be rich, everyone would be successful, everyone would have the spouse of there dreams.
It often defies logic or boundaries– Think about this, 100 years ago, you would have been locked up in an insane asylum if you told them that is it possible to pick up a device, put it to your ear, and talk to someone 2,000 miles away in 30 seconds? Sometimes, stepping outside of the box will take you further than staying in it.
It invites competition– “Show people a little progress and someone will want to join the fun!” -Bert V. In today’s social media infested society, it seems that everyone is losing their individuality to become more like celebrities, and the celebrities are copying each other. So, maybe, if you progress, then others would want that for themselves, too.
It begs for more– This couldn’t be truer. One time I thought to myself, “Ugh! Blogging requires so much time and attention, and I need my naps, soooo…. maybe this is something I don’t want to do. I’m glad I didn’t listen to myself but instead listened to God. I sounded stupid. Blogging has become my safe haven, my beach, my getaway. Why would I deprive myself of such harmony just because I need naps? Don’t be a turd in a hot tub, floating around, waiting to get flushed. Nurture what nurtures you.

Reading over this broadened my perception. I didn’t know that I was afraid of progressing until I said, “Yea, I’m afraid of that” to most of the reasons. I was like the chicken in the video clip. A part of improving, unfortunately, is taking a really good look at yourself. Not your outer appearance, but your soul. And you may not like what you see. I surely don’t! But you know what, it is very much worth it.

I love the feeling that I have when I know I’m improving myself. I feel great when I know something that I have struggling with is now no longer a concern. All it took what a hard look, a little vodka, and a whole lotta Jesus. Joking about the vodka, cause boy, I wish.

Anyway, thank you so so much for reading my thoughts. I appreciate all of the love that is shown to me and I love each and every one you in Jesus name. Stay blessed, family.

PS…sorry for all of the cute furry animals. I wanted to use furry cuteness to represent my mood, but I think all it’s going to do is make you guys go…

“Without continual growth and progress, such words as improvement, achievement, and success have no meaning.” -Benjamin Franklin

April 5, 2018April 8, 2018

I’m Coming Out, I Want the World to Know

My dark passenger is angry, possessive, and selfish. I like to call her, Harley. She is someone that I have hidden for a very long time. She is cruel, inconsiderate, and too smart for her own good.

When I experience a manic episode, Harley rears her ugly head. She is no longer easily tamed but instead crazed for attention and dangerous fun. She used to be someone I wished I could always be, but that was the mania talking. After speaking to a few people who have experienced Harley, come to find out, she’s not that great at all.

If you are unfamiliar with my story, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I in 2003 when I was 17 years old. For the next few years, I would take depression medication here and there, but honestly, I didn’t take my diagnosis seriously. I thought I was perfectly ok when really I wasn’t…far from it.

People, like myself, who struggle with Bipolar Disorder usually experience manic episodes. Clinically, manic episodes are defined as periods of extremely elevated mood that are not just feeling “good” or “high,” but moods that are beyond reason and cause major distress and life impairment.

Symptoms of mania or manic episodes include:

Inflated self-esteem or grandiosity-You feel like you’re on top of the world and no one and nothing can stop you.
Increased Insomnia- One time I was awake for 46 hours straight
More talkative than usual or pressure to keep talking
Flight of ideas or subjective experience that thoughts are racing- Your brain never turns off, NEVER!
Attention is easily drawn to unimportant or irrelevant items
Excessive involvement in pleasurable activities that have a high potential for painful consequences (e.g., engaging in unrestrained buying sprees, sexual indiscretions, or foolish business investments)

I experience every last symptom listed above, some more than others at times. Sometimes, I don’t realize I’m manic until I’m at the end of it and I begin to crash. For me, a manic episode can last for days, sometimes weeks. Once the mania is over, my mind goes into a deep, deep depression. I can’t stop it. I can’t prepare for it. It literally hits me like a ton of bricks every time.

Mania Crash Symptoms Include:

• Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness
• Difficulty concentrating
• Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed
• Difficulty sleeping
• Overeating or loss of appetite
• Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
• Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

I hid my condition for a very, very long time. I was afraid that people who see me as crazy and unlovable. I felt as though no one would understand because who would listen to a “crazy” person, right? I lied to my family and friends all of the time. I created a facade, a secret identity, if you will, so no one would see the real me, Harley. I later realized (just recently) that I am not really Harley. She is just my dark passenger called Bipolar Disorder I.

After Harley comes out to play, I, Ashley, is left with the destruction. Confused by the wreckage and heartbreak that Harley has left behind, I would always feel so ashamed, I would hide. I’ve lost a lot of great people in my life due to Harley, but what can a gal do?

Anyway, this post is what some may call My Coming Out post. I’ve briefly mentioned my bipolar diagnosis in other posts, but I’ve always felt the need to kind of hide. You know, mention it, but not really deal with it. I would think, what if someone that hates me read that I am Bipolar? They would probably say, I knew she was crazy! But I wouldn’t be fulfilling the purpose of my blog if I continued to hide my mental illness from the world. I’m choosing to deal with this head-on.

Love me or hate me, I’m bipolar.

“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’” ~ Mary Anne Radmacher

If you know someone who is struggling with Bipolar Disorder, please let them they are not alone. If you are experiencing any of the symptoms above, please contact your healthcare professional. Bipolar disorder is manageable, but not without treatment. Take care of yourself!

If you liked this reading, please visit Journey to Forgiving Yourself and Blogging With Depression to learn more ways cope with mental illness.

February 24, 2018May 16, 2018

Feelings? How Many Of Us Have Them?

giphy4 Mental illness sucks. I’m sitting here trying to come with clever ways to express those three simple words, but all the comes to mind is mental illness sucks. One reason why it sucks is that mental illness will trick you into believing that feelings matter. When, in the grand scheme of things, they do not. For example, mental illness makes me feel like I’m a bad mother for having a mental illness. When the truth is, I’m not. It’s because of mental illness that I am a good mother. I am always conscious of making sure that my children do not experience the harsh realities that come with having a mentally ill parent. I am always aware of their feelings and what may or may not be affecting them.

Because of my mental illness, I am more aware of my children’s mental stability. I know what it is like to have a parent with a mental illness. For years, I failed to understand why my mother chose to do and say the things that she did to us. I used to be upset with her, but after learning what her struggles are, it made it easier for me to forgive her. Which brings me to my previous point; mental illness will trick you into believing that feelings matter. If feelings truly mattered, then I would be unable to forgive my mother because she has hurt me in ways that no child should be hurt. But I’ve chosen to forgive her for a couple of reasons…

Peace of mind “I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” -John 16:33
God says I have to“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Colossians 3:13

giphy5 For me, forgiveness is more about me than it is about you. People chose not to forgive because they feel they may be doing that person a favor or they may feel like that person doesn’t deserve to be forgiven. But then there is that word again, feel. If you are having a hard time forgiving someone, ask yourself…what great feeling do you have when you chose not to forgive? Do you feel better or worse? Do you feel like a weight has been lifted off of your shoulders or do you feel angry and bitter?

giphy6 Feelings should have nothing to do with doing the right thing. For example, saying hurtful words feels so good when I’m angry. When I become angry, my mind begins to fill with horrible thoughts. It’s like I am possessed. I am capable of saying some pretty awful things. When I’m angry, it feels great to say those awful things…until I calm down. Then I feel like the worst person in the world. I then, begin to obsess about how to make it right. Thus, resulting in an obsessive cycle of beating myself up. All because I felt angry. When in fact, my feelings should not cause me to want to hurt someone else. God says:

When you tell you these things, we do not use words that come from human wisdom. Instead, we speak words given to us by the Spirit, using the Spirits words to explain spiritual truths. -1 Corinthians 2:13

Feelings can be wonderful; joy, hope, serenity, gratitude, faithfulness, love, clarity, etc. It is the negative ones that mental illness uses to feed on. Mental illness is just like every monster you’ve read about growing up. The more you feed it what it wants, the stronger it becomes.

giphy7 Right now, I feel overwhelmed and hopeless. I feel like I am never going to move past these moments of dread and disparity. I feel like I am losing the war that is going on in my mind and body, but guess what? Those are just feelings. They are not my reality. We have to hold on to the fact that feelings do not define our truth, they do not reflect our reality. They just simply reflect our mind frame. We have to keep reminding ourselves that we are more than what we are feeling at the moment. Moments are periods of time that have a beginning and an end. Moments can last for seconds or for years, but we are not meant to set up permanent residence in said moments. We are meant to live life, embracing those moments so we can learn and grow from them. What do you do when you are done reading a chapter in a book? You move on to the next chapter, right? Moments are chapters in your book of life. Don’t stay stuck in one chapter because you feel trapped or hopeless.

Thank you for reading my thoughts. I appreciate every last person that decided to hit that FOLLOW bottom. You’re the real MVP’s! Stay blessed.

“Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strength.” -Charles Haddon Spurgeon

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February 19, 2018May 16, 2018

I Suck At Maintaining Friendships

I suck at maintaining relationships. Whew! There, I said it out loud. I’m sure people that I used to be friends with would say the same thing. It’s always something I’ve known deep down, but I don’t think I’ve actually admitted it until now.

I would love to say that my failed friendships are completely and utterly the fault of said ex-friends, but I would be lying big time! Some friendships I’ve lost because they were toxic. Some I’ve lost simply because we grew apart. But more than I would like to admit, most friendships were lost because of the depression I would have after a manic episode and my inability to seek the appropriate help.

After going through a manic episode, I would go into a deep depression, completely withdrawing myself from everyone; friends, family, co-workers, etc. This was not intentional of course. I would just become a recluse. Now, most people would allow me to wallow in my own misery without a second thought for my concern. But there were a few people who really tried to be a great friend during my moments of severe depression, but eventually, they would feel neglected and leave the friendship, which I totally understand. Afterwards, I would feel so embarrassed and ashamed, I wouldn’t contact them anymore. Regrettably, I’ve lost a lot of great people in my life this way.

Oddly enough, I’ve never been upset with them. I know it is hard to be friends with someone who suffers from severe depression and bipolar disorder. We can be unpredictable. How can I expect anyone to understand what I am going through if I don’t even understand what I’m going through? I mean, honestly, I don’t expect anyone to put up with it. A person can only take so much rejection. Maybe, I’ve never pursued a failed friendship because I know they do not deserve to be shut out of my life just because I’m going through a rough time.

Truly, I don’t think that I’m a very good friend. I love all of my friends, past, and present. Especially the ones that were there for me during some of my dark times and I will always hold them close to my heart.

If you are reading this and we stopped being friends due to my inability to function because of my mental illness, please forgive me. I want you to know that I did love you and appreciate you and it was nothing that you did. It sounds cliche, but it was ALL me, not you. I am so very sorry for not being able to be the friend that you deserved. I’m sorry for abandoning you and leaving you without an explanation. Futhermore, I am sorry for causing any trust issues you may have in the future for anyone who is trying to be your friend.

I do have one friend, that no matter how long I go without talking to her, she never gives up on me. She’ll constantly call and harass me until I reply. Even if weeks go by without a word. Somehow, she’s always there. One time, I tried to purposely push her away. At the time, I was unable to see past my own issues and felt she would be better off without me as a friend, but she is relentless. She is a like my husband farts; no matter how far you go to get away, she still lingers. I love her to pieces and sometimes I feel I don’t deserve her. She never reads my blogs post, so she’ll never know much I love her being so dang annoying 🙂

Sometimes, I become sad when I think about how I don’t have many friends. But I think, they are better off. Until I learn how to better handle manic episodes when they occur, no one should be subjected to a part-time friend. People, especially good people, deserve better than that.

If you are friends with someone who suffers from a mental illness, please have patience with them. It is not an excuse, but during manic moments, we are not ourselves. Our brains are trying to make sense of the rapid emotions flowing through our body and our mind. Everything feels right but wrong. The sun is shining 24 hours out of the day, while the nights’ dark skies gloom in the background. Up is down and everywhere is nowhere.

Does anyone else struggle with maintaining any kind of relationship while dealing with a mental illness? I would love to hear how it is for you.

Thank you for reading my thoughts.

I’d walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire because that’s dangerous. But a super humid room… well not too humid, because you know… my hair. -Anonymous

January 31, 2018April 11, 2018

How I Got Rid of Toxic People In My Life

hb1tf1a About ten years ago, I allowed a close family member to break my heart. So, much so, I was bedridden with grief for about two days. It was hard for me to overcome because I couldn’t wrap my head around why she would betray me. I didn’t do anything to her to deserve it. She saw an opportunity to take advantage of my kindness and took off with it like she was Usain Bolt. It left me feeling worthless because, at the time, I truly felt like she genuinely wanted to build a relationship with me. It was all I was praying for; understanding and love from someone I grew up with.

42-23039081 Needless to say, that wasn’t the case. Fast forward to 2017, this same person needed my help again. I should have said no. She is a toxic person. You couldn’t deny the energy in the room turning sour once she entered it. It was a stench that you couldn’t ignore. She was someone that couldn’t be trusted, but I thought that was in the past. So I helped. Sometimes, I ask myself why did I bother. She would only turn around and do the exact same thing she did years prior. This time, it hit me even harder. I was already going through and hard time and bam! Here she was with her shenanigans.

At the beginning of this post, I said I allowed her to break my heart. I say I allowed it because I feel that people will only do to you what YOU allow them to do. I knew how she was (both times), but I thought that she had grown into a better person. I was wrong. She played me like a cheap violin. While she was basking in the glory of my pain, I was letting out the real pain of betrayal and heartache.

I had to figure out, what does God say about toxic people? How do I NOT allow them to affect me so much? What do I do about them? How do I get “over it”? I prayed every day to become the kind of person to brush things off as easily as she brushed me off, but I had to learn to get through it and here is how.

I came across a book that would answer most of my questions. It’s called How God Sees Your Struggles by Lynn R. Davis. In the first chapter, she makes explains how God wants us to handle toxic people and their foolishness. Below are the lessons that I learned to get rid of her and other toxic people in my life and here is how you can too:

Stop allowing yourself to get worked up about what other people think, say, or believe about you.

“There are some people who always seem angry and continuously look for conflict; walk away. The battle they are fighting isn’t with you. It is with themselves.” -Anonymous

You are a beautiful creation of God. The only opinion that matters is His and His alone. God wants you to know that you were not created to be abused, used, mistreated, or mocked.

“What is the price of two sparrows-one copper coin? But not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it. And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid ; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows?” -Matthew 10:29-31

You will never have peace if you do not overcome your need to please people and expect to maintain your health, peace, and sanity.
Do not allow yourself to get sucked in by other peoples foolishness.
Do not allow them to pollute your faith.

“Unfriendly people care only about themselves; they lash out at common sense. Fools have no interest in understanding; they only want to air their own opinions.” -Proverbs 18:1-2

Toxic people will try to make you stoop down to their level. Do not allow them to do this. It will only cause more stress and heartache for you in the end. Although it’s hard, walk away. Only speak in love, let it go, walk away, and pray for them. They are miserable, not you. Give it all to God.
Do not waste your time and tears on toxic people. If you do, you will never have peace. Only God can change their hearts.

“When a wise man has controversy with a foolish man, the foolish man either rages or laughs, and there is no rest.” -Proverbs 29:9.

Stay encouraged for doing the right thing. As long as your heart is right with God, so will your actions. Don’t worry yourself about how to get back at the people that attack you. God will deal with them as He sees fit.

“The way of the Lord is a stronghold to those with integrity, but it destroys the wicked.” -Proverbs 10:29

Toxic people bring destruction on themselves. Spend time in prayer and meditation so you don’t allow yourself to get sucked up in their chaos. Once you’re sucked in, it’s hard to get out. You will then find yourself reaping the benefits of their turmoil.

After following the do’s and don’ts of dealing with toxic people, I can say that I have peace. I love my close family member, as I should, but that is as far as our relationship goes. I pray that she is able to let go whatever is causing her so much misery, but until then, I can’t deal with her and now that I know my worth, I refuse to. I used to feel bad about it, but now I don’t. God says that I have to love her and pray for her. He doesn’t say anything about me taking abuse from her or anyone else. Sometimes I have to ask God to give me the desire to pray for her. That way, I can heal from her destruction and move on.

I hope you are able to let go of the toxic people in your life. Trust me, you will be better off. If you are interested in reading her book, you can find it on Amazon by clicking HERE. You can read it for free by downloading the 30-Day free trial Kindle Unlimited by clicking HERE. It’s worth it and honestly, this is how I was able to read it. Thank you for reading my thoughts. God bless you all.

October 16, 2017April 11, 2018

Changing your Mindset; Becoming More Mindful

Imagine, for weeks at a time, you are unable to sleep, eat, or even function. Your mind is so heavy and so clouded, that you are unable to see the wonderful things in your life. Some time has passed and now you are able to see the beauty in things that you weren’t able to before. Spiritually, you feel hopeful and that every challenge is just one step closer to becoming who God wants you to be. Well, this is definitely me! I struggle with depression, but instead of seeing the glass half empty, I embrace the knowledge that every glass is half full. All because of I am learning about managing my stress and mindfulness, which is, “a mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.”

What is Depression? A lot of people have a misconception of what depression is and how it can develop a life of its own. There are two main types of depression that you may be experiencing; reactive depression and clinical depression.

Reactive Depression

Medications, such as steroids, are known to make you more emotional and prone to depression.
Common in people with Lupus
- A study done by JAMA Psychiatry states that neuroinflammation causes depression.
Since Lupus directly involves our nervous system, it causes such symptoms like memory issues, difficulty concentrating, confusion, and mood swings.
Overall, sickness can cause more sickness

Symptoms of Clinical Depression

Feeling like a failure and that nobody loves you
Feelings of hopeless, empty, or lost
Losing interest in things you once enjoyed to do
Feeling like life is worthless and that you can’t go on

If you have Lupus or any other auto-immune disorder, you may be experiencing one of these or both. Personally, I’ve struggled with depression way before I was diagnosed with Lupus. Depression is a lifelong struggle for me. It is something that I’ve had to come to grips with and accept. It’s like any other illness, such as Lupus, that I have to manage, most times on a daily basis. Giving up is not an option and money is extremely tight, so I’ve had to research free ways to become healthier; meditation, maintain a healthy diet (which is hard!), prayer, and mindfulness.

I am mindful of my condition in this present moment while acknowledging my feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations. I have Lupus, there I said it. But, Lupus doesn’t have me! I have accepted that stress is apart of everyday life. It’s how I choose to deal with stress that determines how I feel overall. Chronic stress is like kryptonite to lupus warriors. It makes our flare up so much more difficult. So we have to reduce our stress.

Ways I’m Learning To Reduce Stress

Eliminate triggers- I’ve had to think long and hard about what and who stresses me out. Example, Facebook stresses me out. The only thing that I get when I walk away from scrolling down my timeliness is stress, worry, anger, and frustration. So, I deactivated my profile. Right now, I am unable to separate those feelings. When I close the app, I still have the world’s destruction and everyone’s opinion about it, on my mind. It is so unhealthy.
Exercise
- You don’t have to exercise, exactly. You can do yoga, walk around the block, or simply walk to the mailbox. There are days that we can’t or won’t move due to pain, but being proactive helps you feel better, more accomplished.
- You can do this 2-3 times a week. Pace yourself and know your limits.
Eat Healthier Foods
- For lupus warriors, it would be best if we ate more anti-inflammatory foods.
- Foods That Fight Inflammation
- Avoid foods that worsen inflammation, such as, soda, pastries, margarine, lard, white bread, and red meat.
Mindfulness Meditation
- Mindfulness Meditation is all about directing your attention to the current moment and accepting that things are the way that they are. In regards to lupus warriors, we have to accept that this is what we are dealing with and calmly regain a sense of control over our lives and this disease.
- Make time to meditate, even if for a few minutes, every day.
- Find a quiet space
- Sit up straight with your legs and upper body relaxed. Good posture helps you breath easier.
- Be aware of each body part, and try to become completely relaxed.
- Focus on your breathing. Breathe in through your nose (extending your belly outwards) and slowly out through your mouth.
- Start in slow increments; meditate for 5 minutes and increase daily or weekly.
- Personally, I like to have mediation music playing in the background to help me focus.
- How to Guide to Mindful Meditation

Being a lupus warrior is exactly that, I am a warrior. I fight battles every day. Some caused by everyday life and some caused this illness. There are some circumstances that I am unable to change, but how I choose to deal with them is half the battle.

If you or anyone you know is suffering from any of the symptoms above, please talk to somebody about them and/or your doctor. Depression is life-altering and should be taken seriously. Be your own advocate. You simply may be dealing with receptive depression, but there is a fine line between that and clinical depression. Also, here is a Stress Test that helps you determine how stressed you are. There are others like it online.

“In this moment, there is plenty of time. In this moment, you are precisely as you should be. In this moment, there is infinite possibility.” ~Victoria Moran

Resources

Dr. Therese Tryniecki, Phd

Lupus Foundation of America Heartland Chapter

July 31, 2017April 11, 2018

In Memory Of….

I remember being as young as 5 years old, observing that actions of others. I knew from a very young age, what I wanted my life to be like. Of course, back then, I did not know the specifics, but I knew what and who I did not want to be. I wanted to be smart. I wanted to be successful, not with monetary possessions, but with love and respect. I wanted to be nice to everyone, no matter who they were or what they did. When I was old enough to have children, I wanted to be their best friend and their mother. I wanted to shower them with love and gifts, but at the same time teach them the true meaning of life.

As I grew, the more specific my life’s requirements became. This caused me to have a feeling of entitlement for the things I wanted in my life. Looking back, I noticed that I did not pay to much attention to other people or serious life issues. And then I turned 30 years old, with three children and a husband. It’s almost like I woke up, and this was my life. And all of those things that I thought I wanted, well let’s just say, life had other plans.

Not only did I turn 30, but I was diagnosed with an immune disorder. Unknowingly, these two events would turn my world completely upside down. I used to worry about gossip, lose or gain of friends, or even finding a babysitter so I can go out. But then, life threw the fastest curve ball at my head. It is like, life purposely aimed at my head cause that curve ball knocked me on my ass so hard, that I died.

The Ashley that I worked so hard to become, since I was a little girl, started to slowly slip away. At first, I thought, I’ll come back from this. But then, almost everything Ashley wanted to be was fading, eventually floating into the dark abyss. I then realized, that this diagnosis wasn’t just the run of the mill, life problem. This diagnosis is not something that I’ve ever thought about, nor prepared for. Thinking about it now, since I’m such a control freak, it’s probably why I’m grieving so much, because it was unexpected.

So, in memory of Ashley Tara. She was kind soul, and became what she thought she deserved. Which honestly, wasn’t much.

Now, I must find this new person. I’m not sure who she is, but she carries the same hustle mentality and drive that the old Ashley had. This new person has the strength of the old Ashley, plus more. I’m just not sure if I know it yet. They will sing songs about my old identity, about my triumphant win against chronic depression and lupus nephritis.

The best part about this diagnosis, is that this new person is able to enjoy the things that the new Ashley has once forgotten. She can now see the beauty and joy in people who the old Ashley no longer enjoyed; the glow from my kids smile, the wonder of a sunset, and the blessing in hearing a bird sing. My new heart has been opened and my mind has been released.

I used to mourn the loss of the old Ashley, but the more I think about, the more I think a part of her had to go, so that this new person has room to grow and flourish. I miss a lot of the qualities that the old Ashley possessed, and some of those qualities I would like to have back. But I think in order for me to fulfill my duty in life, I have to follow this new journey that has been given to me.

So I say farewell to the old Ashley. It was amazing having that part of myself for the last 30 years, but now there are goals that I need to accomplish. And this path will take me there. Although, things may seem detrimental, it is all for a reason. I have to make all this pain and confusion turn into something that will live on well after my physically body is deceased.

If you are reading this, and you are suffering from a chronic illness of any sort, just know, mourning you’re healthy lifestyle is normal. You will find that you can move forward by getting to know the new you. As you know, once you deal with an illness, your life changes dramatically, and you may find yourself doing or saying things you thought you would never have to. It’ll get better, you HAVE to believe that.

Peace.Love.Happiness

July 16, 2017April 11, 2018

Love Letter from Depression

Dear Ashley,

Its your oldest friend, depression. How’s it been? I’ve missed you so much. I’m glad to hear that you are sick because I knew it would be the easiest way to get back into your life.

I’ve missed our long nights of no sleep and endless tears. I’ve missed the sound of your heart breaking every second of every day. Do you remember, Ashley? Do you remember the wonderful negative thoughts you used to have? I’m glad to see that they have come back, stronger than ever.

I love that you feel like a horrible parent and a horrible wife. I love to watch your tears flow as you beg God for mercy.

It’s just you and I, Ashley. Cant you see? We belong together. You and I are one. I will never leave you, nor forsake you. No matter how many pills you take, no matter how many bible scriptures you read, no matter how much you pray, I will always be with you.

Love,

Depression