Gods Affirmations

I am alive with Christ (Ephesians 2:5)

I am a new creature in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17)

I am the righteousness of God in Jesus Christ (2 Corinthians 5:21)

Greater is he who is in me than he who is in the world (1 John 4:4)

It is not I who live, but Christ who lives in me (Galatians 2:20)

I am greatly loved by God (Romans 1:7, Ephesians 2:4, Colossians 3:12)

I can do all things through Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:13)

I am Gods workmanship, created in Christ for good works (Ephesians 2:10)

I am more than a conqueror through him who loves me (Romans 8:37)

Reference Unashamed by Christine Caine

July 10, 2018July 10, 2018

More Precious Than All Of The Galaxies

There were so many moments that I hated myself. I hated that I was mentally ill. I hated the mistakes that I’ve made. I even hated that I knew I was going to continue to make mistakes, most likely the same ones, because I didn’t know how to “break” the cycles of destructive behavior.

Self-hatred can be the most appealing of all emotions because at least you know who and what you are. When other people would question who they were, I didn’t have to. I knew I was a bad person. I knew I sucked as a human being. I knew and accepted that I would go to hell one day. I would even joke about it. I would say something mean and follow up with, “Yep, I’m going to hell for that.”

During this journey of Seeking God, unbeknownst to me, I was also seeking myself. Learning about God, I was also learning about myself and how God feels about me. This was completely unexpected because I thought, I’m a horrible person but at least God has forgiven me so at least I won’t go to hell. He just accepts me as the bad individual.

It has become clear to me that I couldn’t be more wrong.

DID YOU KNOW?

Stars are clustered in galaxies, which on average are between one hundred billion and one trillion stars each. Astronomers have estimated that there are roughly one hundred billion to one trillion galaxies in the universe. So if you multiply those two numbers together, there are between ten sextillion and one septillion stars. Whoa! Needless to say, that is a lot.

Look at what God says about the stars…

Look up at the heavens. Who created all the stars? [God] brings them out like an army, one after another, calling each by its name (empasized added). Because of his great power and incomparable strength, not a single one is missing. -Isaiah 40:26

Now…look at what he says about us…

How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me. -Psalm 139:17-18

AND

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. -Psalm 139:13-16

Wow! Isn’t that amazing. You and I are more precious to God than anything that he has created and he has created some pretty amazing things. We must begin to see ourselves as God sees us, not as the world sees us. And in seeking God, this has been the most valuable lesson that I have learned thus far. Our God is amazing. Just open your heart and your ears and accept the endless, reckless love he has for all of us.

Thank you all for reading for thoughts. I pray that your day is going well and I pray that God is showering his blessings on you each and every moment. Please remember to pray for each other.

Peace. Love. Happiness in Jesus.

**Photos borrowed from google pics**

July 9, 2018July 9, 2018

Monday Inspiration: Warriors NOT Worriers

Happy Monday Friends,

It’s been a little bit since my last post, Healing: July Monthly Theme. I had to take a little time to concentrate on my mental, which was much needed. I’ve started attending counseling sessions and I can say that it’s going really well so far.

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I want to remind you that God did not create us to be stressed and worried all of the time. He wants us to trust that he will provide all of our needs today, tomorrow, and every day afterwards (Matthew 6:33-34).

When stressful times come, when the enemy seems ruthless while attacking you from every direction, remember

ARM YOURSELF WITH (Ephesians 6:10-18)

The belt of truth
Breastplate of righteousness
Shoes of the gospel
Helmet of salvation
Shield of faith
Sword of the spirit

Throughout the day, speak the words of God, the Good News of the gospel, and share your testimony. The more we speak the words of God, the more we defeat the enemy. It’s easy to speak the words of the enemy. It is in our sinful nature. Do what it right, not what it easy.

As I type these words to you, I am reminding myself as well. Lately, I’ve been faced with the reality that bitterness is no longer hiding like roots in the ground, but being released in the fruit that I bear.

This is what the enemy wants and I cannot allow it. No one likes to admit that they are bitter. At first, I didn’t want to admit it neither, but you can’t fix what you are not unaware of and what you choose to ignore.

So as I face the day, I shall wear the full armor of God, speak His truths, and relinquish my bitterness piece by peice:

Praying for those who have hurt me
Reading and listening to Gods words
Bringing light into the darkness, bringing hope to the hopeless, and bring love where it is needed.

I pray that each and everyone of you have wonderful day. May God continue to bless your lives with every breath.

Peace. Love. Happiness in Jesus.

July 2, 2018July 2, 2018

Healing: July Monthly Theme

Good Day Friends,

So, this month I want to concentrate on healing, the various of forms of healing and what we need healing from. Some of us need physical healing, while others need spiritual, emotional, and even metaphysical healing.

Stress is the number one factor of so many illness, including autoimmune disorders, such as Lupus. You have books, seminars, blog post, etc. on different ways to lower stress. I truly believe that most of our stress comes from pain whether physical or mental that is currently affecting our lives or pain from our past.

For me, a lot of my stress comes from my mental and physical health status. The more sick I am, the more stressed I become. It can become a vicious cycle.

Experts suggest everything from exercise to eating healthier foods as ways to lower stress, which is great! But for me, I would like to explore more of a biblical answer including the other suggestions on ways to heal, thus lowering stress.

So this month, while I study Gods words on the matter, I will be sharing my findings and what God will reveal to me.

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In the book of Exodus Chapter 15, when Moses led God’s people away from the Red Sea, they moved into the desert of Shur (v.22). God’s people were complaining and angry because they had gone three days without water and when they finally came across water, it was too bitter to drink. Moses was like, “God, what are going to drink?” So, God was like, “Chill, I got you. Take this piece of wood and throw it into the water and you’ll be able to drink the water.”

Moses did it and BAM! It worked! The water was consumable. Can you imagine? I would have felt pretty foolish. God was faithful to them the entire time, and they still questioned him.

Anyway, afterwards, God said, “If you will listen carefully to the voice of the Lord your God and do what is right in his sight, obeying his commands and keeping all his decrees, then I will not make you suffer any of the diseases I sent on the Egyptians; for I am the Lord who heals you.” (emphasizes added)

God used this opportunity to prove to his people that they should trust him. It’s just like us, isn’t it? God can show us over and over again that we can trust him and as soon as we get jammed up, we’re screaming, “God, what are we going to do? How will get healed? When will I get healed?” or my favorite “Will I ever get healed?” I’m good for that one. Yet, he proves over and over that he is not a healer, but THE HEALER.

When we need healing, sometimes all we have to do is

SURRENDER. PRAY. TRUST. BE STILL.

Let him be God and do his thing.

Thank you for reading my thoughts. I pray each and every one of you are having a wonderful start to your week. I pray that God heals you in whatever area in your life that needs it. God bless you all. Peace. Love. Happiness in Jesus.

Have you never heard? Have you never understood? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the Earth. He never grows weak and weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. -Isaiah 40:28-29

July 1, 2018June 30, 2018

Need Healing?

Good Morning Friends,

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if there was a person who would take all of our pain away? It would be so awesome if this same person promised that they would do so no matter what the pain is or even how the pain occurred?

Every time we look up, there is some kind of tragedy happening in the world. It’s hard to manage our own lives, let alone the lives of other people who we may feel so connected to. When we hear about a tragedy, most of us can feel the pain of the person that it happened to. For instance, as a mother, I feel the heartache of what it would be like to lose a child. It makes me nervous to think that it could happen to my children.

No wonder most of us are walking around a nervous wreck; taking this pill and that pill just to numb the anxiety that we feel every day and night.

The great thing is that we have someone who promises that they will take that pain away. They also promise that no matter what the pain is or how the pain occurred, that they will provide comfort and healing to get us through the heartbreak of such tragedy.

He [God] heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds. -Psalms 147:3

The Lord is close to all who call on him, yes, to all who call on him in truth. He grants the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cries for help and rescues them. -Psalm 145:18-19

God specializes in the business of healing the brokenhearted, which is great, because we live in such a broken world. He has so much compassion for those who are oppressed by suffering and are crushed in spirit. He binds up our emotional wounds.

Do you need healing? He not only heals the body, but mind and spirit. The Lord’s power to heal to absolute and continuous. When you ask, the very life of Jesus through the Holy Spirit will flow into your heart and make it new.

We must remember that God’s power to rescue his people is in his own timing. We may never understand why, but scripture says

His power is absolute! His understanding is beyond comprehension! -Psalm 147:5

Abba Father saves us from evil more times than we know. So when tragedy happens, we have to find comfort in Jesus and trust in the plan that he has for our life. Easier said than done, right? Right now, sometimes it’s hard for me to accept, but at the same time, I find comfort in knowing that one moment or tragedy doesn’t define who I am and what I mean to him.

While asking for healing for whatever reason, remember as Moses sang as his took God’s people from Pharaoh to The Promised Land, “The Lord is my strength and my song; he has given me victory.” -Exodus 15:2

June 29, 2018June 29, 2018

Days Like Today

Good Day Friends,

Today is a good day. Although the sun is behind thick stratus clouds, the birds are chirping, the temperature is just right, and God was kind enough to wake us up this morning.

It’s days like today that I look forward to. Some call it the light at the end of the tunnel. Other’s call it the rainbow after a storm. I like to call it proof that God hears my prayers for peace and unconditional love. It’s days like today that I pray for when I’m in the midst of mental turmoil.

So now my mind is clear enough to take care of the things that I need to take care of; return phone calls, text messages, emails. Catch up with family members and friends to let them know I haven’t forgotten about them. And most importantly, come out of emotional and physical isolation from the world and my family.

I know some of you have commented that isolation is needed to gather your thoughts and recuperate from everyday life. Sorry if I was unclear, but in my last post, Isolation, I was speaking more about unhealthy isolation. Like, crawling under your blankets to hide from the world. Drawing your shades to not allow any kind of sunshine to illuminate my home. Not talking to anyone about anything for any reason, For example, the past couple of weeks, I’ve isolated myself from my family and friends, church, and sometimes even my kids. I’m speaking of the kind of isolation that makes you want to sleep for 22 hours out of the day so I don’t have to think about the dreads of life.

While studying my bible, God revealed to me in 1 Peter 5:9 that says

Stand firm against him [the devil], and be strong in your faith. Remember that your family of believers all over the world is going through the same kind of suffering you are.

Sometimes it’s hard to remember that I’m not the only one going through this. A lot of times, I feel selfish for whining and crawling into a ball when it becomes overwhelming. I suppose that’s what separates those who struggle with mental illness and those who do not.

Today, I’ve decided to cut myself a break and enjoy the peace that God has granted me. I have come a long way and I will celebrate that by loving more on my kids and praise God every chance I get.

Oh, and I found out yesterday that I’ve gained 12 pounds since April (YAYYYY!!) and I found a therapist to see me asap. There are so many things to be grateful for.

Peace. Love. Happiness in Jesus.

**Pictures borrowed from google pics**

June 24, 2018

Isolation

Experts say that isolating yourself isn’t healthy for your mind. In isolation, it is easy for your mind to deceive and betray you. Look at the prison system. It’s used as a form of punishment for a reason.

For me, isolation is my “go to” when my mind is completely exhausted from the hustle and bustle of mental wellness. I hear so many people tell me that I shouldn’t be ashamed of not being ok all of the time, but there is something in my brain that tells me that I should be embarrassed about not being ok.

Today, I logged back into social media to check a page that someone recommended to me. I ran across a picture that had a very inspirational post that said something like, “I am grateful for all of the blessing that God has given me.”

My immediate feeling was guilt. Here I am, mind filled with “why can’t I move past this feeling of disparity”…I should be grateful for all of my wonderful blessings, right? So I must be a terrible person for not feeling grateful? Honestly, I didn’t want to blog this experience because I began to think that you guys would start to feel like, “Oh no…here’s another ‘whoa is me, I’m so sad’ post from Ashley again.” Truthfully, at some point, I want to look back at this journey and say, “Whoa, I really went through it. It was very real and very raw.” So that’s why I decided to blog how I am feeling today. Anyway, I digress.

Before I was approved for insurance, which was a very long battle, I had to find ways to get through my mental breakdowns. One way I dealt with it was I fixed my focus on God and began to attend church five to six days a week. It was a way I’ve coped to stay out of my own head. Now that I am insured, I kind of let it slip my mind that can afford to attend counseling. Like real, professional counseling. Big shocker right. Today’s emotions reminded me of that. Having everyday feelings of embarrassment, guilt, fear, despair, anger, and frustration is not and should not be apart of everyday life. It should not be a struggle to get through moment by moment every day. And currently, that is where my life is.

God is a huge part of my recovery, meds are another part, and now counseling has to be the final piece, right? At least I’m hoping.

So, while I am feeling embarrassed about not being ok, I seclude myself; put on a brave smile and say, “yea, I’m fine” when clearly I am not. Not responding to phone calls or text messages. And when I do respond it’s with short, quick answers.

I mean, if I’m tired of not being ok, then my loved ones must be tired of it too? This goes for mental and physical illness. Seeing that I have been struggling mentally, I do believe it is the cause of my current lupus flare; you know body aches and pain, migraine, muscle fatigue, etc.

Tomorrow’s goal is to find a counselor that takes my insurance so I can begin to heal and talk out some of the issues that I am having. For some reason, I thought by throwing myself into the church, I would find healing, but that was just another distraction.

Ah, yes, distractions. Those can be deceiving as well. We think we are ignoring the problem, solving the problem…when in fact we are just distracting ourselves from the problem. Although I love my church home, their not God. Make sense?

Ugh, I don’t know what I mean or what I want this post to be about. This post was more of a rant and not very well thought out. Just a bunch of thoughts put together like ingredients in a meat pie. You don’t know what a meat pie is? My point exactly!

Please pray for me as an I try to find someone to help me because I can’t live like this anymore. My family deserves better.

Peace. Love. Happiness in Jesus. Please remember to pray for one another.

**Image borrowed from google pics**

June 23, 2018

First Time I Was Abused

The first time I was physically abused by a boyfriend brought on a bunch of confusing emotions. He would say things like:

“I love you”

” I can’t live without you”

“No one can love you like I can”

“If I can’t have you, no one can”

“You are mine”

All while strangling me with his rough hands that used to rub my back…all while slamming my body against hard surfaces of his home…all while violating my body with scars that never seem like they would heal.

I was confused because my heart was telling me that he loved me, but my mind was asking, “how is this love?”

Back then, I didn’t know what love was, but I knew abuse wasn’t it. We hear so many stories about women getting hit by their boyfriends and husbands, but they chose to stay. Why?

I believe because it’s a lack of knowledge of what true love really is.

Since my journey of seeking God, I’ve gotten to experience what true love feels like. There is nothing like feeling so broken, inside and out, and our heavenly Father comforting us with his unconditional love. To describe in words, I would say that it feels like a warm, supernatural embrace.

Last time I felt it, it made me weep. Yes, I said weep because it wasn’t just crying. My spirit let out a spiritual S.O.S and his spirit responded with an overwhelming feeling of gratefulness and grace all wrapped into one. I realized that he created me so wonderfully made. So much so, he spent so much time creating me in his likeness. And I’m positive that allowing someone to damage his temple (my mind and body) was not apart of his plan for my life.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. -Psalm 139:14-16

Now that I know how much God loves me, I will never allow anyone to treat me less than that. How many people can say that their father loves them so much, that he sacrificed his perfect child for you? We all can. Now that’s love.

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. -John 3:16

Love is not meeting his fist with the side of your face. Not enduring hateful, blaming words of regret and how you’re not worthy of love. And definitely not death by his hands because of this narcissistic personality.

To this day, I still have nightmares from that night, and many other nights that I thought my life was going to end by an abusive narcissist, but then I wake up, praising my Ab\ba Father for giving me the strength to leave that situation and never return. For giving me the strength to find value in me. And for loving me so much by showing me through this word and example that this is not the plan that he has for my life.

Please reach out for help if you are in an abusive relationship. God says, Love is…

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. -1 Corinthians 13:4-8,13

If your spouse is showing anything less than what God says love is, seek help from a family member or click this link to find your nearest Safe Place location or your local hospital/clinic on ways to escape from your abuser.

I love you. God loves you. You are worthy of true happiness. Have a safe and wonderful Saturday. Please remember, pray for one another.

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June 22, 2018

Funny Friday: A Trip To The Doctor

Hey Friends!

Welcome back to Funny Friday! Woop, Woop!

I’ve been absent for the past couple of Friday’s, but God has been so good to me I had to share a laugh with you guys. 🤣🤗😁

Please enjoy!

Love. Peace. Happiness in Jesus.

A TRIP TO THE DOCTOR

A woman and her husband go to the doctor because the woman is complaining of shortness of breath. After fifteen minutes, the woman comes out into the waiting room and says, “Apparently, my problem is that I have a nice cooter.”

“Excuse me?” says the husband.

“That’s what the doctor said. My problem is that I have a nice cooter.” The husband is a bit angry and goes in to talk to the doctor.

“What’s this about my wife having a nice cooter? I need a damn good explanation.”

“That’s not what I said,” replies the doctor. “I said she has acute angina.”

June 21, 2018

Music Is Life: Hills and Valleys

Hey Friends,

Wow, my last post Well, At Least You’re Not… was fueled by lack of sleep and other things, but today I feel so much better. Not only did I get to sleep, thanks to Seroquel, but God’s love and peace. I found myself praying in the midst of a nightmare…which means God’s love is a permanent part of my mindset. Yes! Mental illness is a permanent part of my life, so staying faithful to his word is crucial to having a healthy recovery.

“Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the Lord your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you.”(Deuteronomy 31:6)

Anyway, I wanted to let you guys know that we are going to face challenges in life. Point. Blank. Period. (If you haven’t noticed already). I say this because when I first became a Christian, it was my understanding that things would magically become better.

Whether you face mental illness, physical illness, etc., you will have challenges. It’s how we get through the other side that determines the rest of our life and eternal life. If you face hardship and you choose to hide from it, do you truly heal from it? Or do you chose to walk through the storm head on, only to come out of the other side stronger?

For me, coming out of the other side with God is the only way I can become stronger because God is most present when we are faced with adversity.

“Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal among you, which comes upon you for your testing, as though some strange thing were happening to you; but to the degree that you share the sufferings of Christ, keep on rejoicing, so that also at the revelation of His glory you may rejoice with exultation.” (1 Peter 4:12-13)

He uses our circumstances to make us stronger. We just have to trust him. In Exodus, Moses had a choice to trust God by leading Gods people to safety, not knowing what lied ahead or stay in slavery. It’s hard to trust Gods plan, especially when we don’t know what lies ahead, but he loves us so much, he won’t allow us to sit in the hurt. He promises to bring us out. And I am living proof that this is 100% true.

Please listen to this song, which has encouraged me to get through the dark times, including the other night’s episode.

He is the God of hills and valleys. He is present through the good times, as well as the bad times. We just have to trust him.

I love you guys. Please continue to pray for one another. Love. Peace. Happiness is Jesus.

June 20, 2018June 20, 2018

Well, At Least You’re Not…

Hello Friends,

I really try not to tell you guys “what to” and “what not to” do. I mean, we are all adults and I don’t want to come off as someone who knows it all. Plus, there are a lot of blogs who say, “do this or don’t do this” and they come across very condescending. So, personally, I like to share what has worked for me, hoping that while sharing my experience, I can give you an idea on how to deal with your situation…advice, if you will.

But this post is different. I will absolutely say with certainty that when are talking to someone with a mental illness, there are just some things that you should not say. Not only will it sound insensitive, but it may very well drive them over the edge.

One thing not to say to someone with a mental illness is, “Well, at least you’re not…” (followed by a tragic event happening in the world). For example, if I say, “I can’t deal with life anymore” and then you say, “Well at least you’re not facing deportation and having your kids taken by the government.” Although this statement may be true, it does not mean it is appropriate.

Why you ask? Well because mental illness is more about the personal hell that the individual is living in their own mind and less about their circumstances. If you have been connected to social media, then you will know that there has been an increase in suicides from very rich, influential people. Well, I guess you can say that it’s not just recently because some of the richest, most popular people were known to be the most depressed; Michael Jackson, Marilyn Monroe, Whitney Houston, and now Anthony Bourdain, Kate Spade…either all died from suicide or drug overdoses.

Night time is the worst time of the day for me. When everything is silent, my thoughts are the loudest. If I am not asleep by 10 p.m. I become frustrated because then I know I will be extremely tired the next morning (whenever I fall asleep). And that alone is hard because my kids are early risers. So the more time that does by, the angrier I get, and the louder my thoughts get. Fear plays a large part in my insomnia because I fear for what awaits me in dreamland. My dreams have not been the best for the past few months. Honestly speaking, I’ve been having nightmares. To the point where I wake up screaming in my sleep.

My five year old woke me up with this afternoon because I was screaming while we tried to lie down for a nap. I have tried natural sleep aids, tea, tiring myself out during the day…nothing seems to work. My doctor prescribed Seroquel 50mg to help stabilize my mood, along with Depakote (yip-freaking-dee), fight depression, and help me sleep. But honestly, if I take one more pill for one more thing my head is going to explode. I am a freaking walking Walgreens. I’m sure in a 1,000 years after the apocalypse and they come across a sample of my feces, they’ll be shocked by the number of medication one person could have in their system. I’m sure my poop will be a living species of its own. Sheesh! It’ll be in a museum titled, “The 21st Century Creature Formed From Prescription Medication Epidemic”. Ugh!

I just want to scream, but then my kids are sleeping. So I’ll just let out a loud grunt, “GRRRRRRRRRR”.

Anyway, this is my personal hell. I may not have my kids being torn away from me, but it doesn’t make my struggle any less real or fragile than anyone else’s. So I don’t want to hear anyone’s crap. This is hard, dammit! I’m doing the best the I can with what I can. Take it or ~~leave~~ take it.

Peace. Love. Happiness in Jesus.

June 19, 2018

Not Just Staying Alive

Hello Friends,

Thank you to everyone who has left kind, encouraging words under my blogs. Like I’ve said before, there are not enough words in the universe to express my gratitude. Your words help my flame flicker when I feel it is about to go out.

This week was a hard week, but God showed his mercy and love the entire way through. I recognize that I am more blessed than most. I have supportive family members who understand my illness and try to help the best way they can.

I have a church family that I can call to gain spiritual counsel when I am feeling weary and mad at God, and I have you guys who inspire me to continue to write. It’s a miracle if I’ve ever seen one.

It is truly my faith in God that keeps me grounded. This week my faith was tested. A few days ago, I found myself screaming at God, “What more do you want from me!” as I felt abandoned. I had faith that he would provide, but I was frustrated not knowing when he would while other hardships kept piling up; more and more things kept happening, pushing me to become more discouraged every second of every day. It was to the point where all I could pray was, “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus” because I didn’t know what else to say.

A lot of people have their opinion about taking medication for mental disorders. Some people believe say it is all in your head while others think that my depression is situational or circumstantial. I’m here to tell you it is not. I have been manic when things were perfect in my life. I have been 100% well when things have been falling apart. One thing that I have learned mistake, after mistake, after mistake, is that for me, having Bipolar Disorder I and Manic Depression has to managed with medication. It has to be.

My faith in Jesus is 1/3 of my treatment, medication is 1/3, and Christian counseling is the other 1/3.

I now see that bad things are going to happen in our lives, whether you are a Christian or not. God makes that perfectly clear in his word. When sin came, so did our desires for sin, sin against ourselves and sin against other people. It’s human nature. And the Lord knows that I have sinned a lot! Everything that I do is centered around The Holy Trinity because it is the only way for me to live this life with the shame, guilt, and disappointment that Jesus says he died to take from me.

If that had been necessary, Christ would have had to die again and again, ever since the world began. But now, once for all time, he has appeared at the end of the age to remove sin by his own death as a sacrifice. -Hebrews 9:26 nlt

Otherwise, shame and guilt would consume me. I’ve done some jacked up stuff guys! Like, realllll jacked up! But knowing that he bore that shame for me at the cross gives me the courage to live my life with him walking alongside me because I have my children looking up to me; copying my every move, watching all of my decision, counting on me to provide for them and educate them.

I recently read a quote that says

Christ is not a resevoir but a spring. His life is continual, active and ever passing on with an outflow as necessary as its inflow. If we do not perpetually draw the fresh supply from the living Fountain, we shall either grow stangant or empty. It is, therefore, not so much a perpetual fullness as a perpetual filling/ -A.B. Simpson

Taking medication every day to ensure my mind has the correct chemical balance, and regularly going to each of my doctors and counseling appointments, I have to stay connected to Jesus. He is my lifeline. Otherwise, I would have ended my life a long time ago.

At one time, I felt so much shame as a mother, I thought of leaving them in the care of my family members would be better for them. But that was the enemy talking and that was before I knew how to give my shame to Jesus. It is still a daily battle, but with the Full Armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-20), I will be called home by Jesus and not by my own hands.

Please love one another as God loves you. Pray for another as the Holy Spirit prays for you. And help one another as Jesus helps you. I love you all. Please stay safe out here. It doesn’t matter what part of the country you are in, there is always someone suffering. Stay blessed, family.

*all images from google pics*

June 13, 2018

What Was I Thinking?

Hey Friends,

I’m back! Didn’t take long did it, ha! It’s not because I have figured things out and I am back to being able to live life without questioning my own existence. Oh no! It’s quite the opposite. I am back because I continue to doubt and question myself and of course, I feel I am crazier than ever?

I had to remind myself of why I blog in the first place. I am a writer. It is my safe haven and my place of peace. Why did I think I can find peace by cutting out the one thing that helps me? If you look at my description is clearly states, “To share my journey of mental and physical illness while inspiring others along the way” or something like that, since I’m too lazy to double check the exact wording.

So, I asked myself, whats the point of taking a break when I am at my lowest? It is literally defeating the purpose of why I began blogging in the first place.

I can tell you what happened. I got caught up in the logistics of blogging. The “when to” “how to” “what to” of blogging. I began comparing myself to other bloggers, their views, and likes. I obsessively began to check my stats like I was actually getting paid to go this. I did what many of you say “What Not To Do As A Blogger”. It seems everyone has a post like this.

But, I didn’t get into blogging to get paid, although it would be super nice. I got into blogging to save myself from mental illness entrapment. I needed a place to express my feelings, hoping that others would be able to relate and blogging provides that.

I feel I owe the people who come to my blog as inspiration a sincere apology. I was being selfish. I forgot the true integrity of my blog and why I started it in the first place. Am I not being a hypocrite if don’t share the darkest moments of mental illness (which by the way, is my current state)? I became afraid and like a coward, I ran. Just being honest.

Facing scrutiny and judgment while living and telling your truth is expected. This is another reason why I look to God for strength. Also why I want him to use me to touch the lives of those who are going through what I am going through.

Anyway, this is my truth and my journey. Thank you to everyone who left kind comments under my last two post. I will respond to them as soon as I can because right now, it’s 1am and I couldn’t sleep. It is dangerous for someone who is struggling with mental illness (or any illness) to not get enough rest…it will literally make me even more insane (which would explain a lot), and who has time to deal with a manic Ashley?!? I sure as hell don’t.

Love you guys! Stay safe. Please, love one another as God loves you. Pray for one another as the Holy Spirit does for you. And save one another as Jesus did for you (you don’t have to die, but you know what I mean 🙂 )

*Image borrowed from google pics*

June 6, 2018June 6, 2018

Being Eeyore At A Tigger Party

Hello Friends,

If you are unfamiliar, Eeyore is a character in the Winnie-the-Pooh books by A. A. Milne. He is well known for his gloomy, depressed personality. Truthfully speaking, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized why Eeyore was my favorite character out of all the others. I could relate. No matter what was going on, he was sad. The difference between Eeyore and I was that I felt the need to mask my sadness, even as a child.

I remember being told a few times throughout my life that “no one wanted to be around someone who was sad all of the time.” This forced me to put on such “mask” because I didn’t want to be shunned by society. Honestly, I love people. I love the energy that people provide, I love their smiles, I love helping them when they are in need, I love humanity as a whole. So, I did what I had to do to be a part of society. I hid. Hiding created anxiety because I didn’t want to be discovered. I didn’t want anyone; family, friends, co-workers, God…to see my sadness. I needed everyone to know I was ok, like everyone else. But let me tell you, once you suppress something long enough, it would eventually bubble to the surface. Trust me.

Recently, I’ve been faced with social anxiety. My sadness has reared it’s ugly head and I can no longer contain it with my own strength (if you guys haven’t been able to notice), thus causing extreme anxiety. Sadness is not something I can’t control, nor is it something that I voluntarily chose to have (like some would like to think). This is why it is called a “mental illness”.

My church started offering a social event called, Parents Connect. It’s a night where parents come together once a month, without their children, and socialize. I tried to attend the first event. I drove the twelve minutes to get there, grabbed my purse, stepped out of my car, checked the rearview mirror to see if I had anything on my face, walked to the door, and looked through the window like a creep. I suddenly felt the need to turn around and run (which I did, well more of a fast paced walked). My palms became sweaty, I began to shake and tremble. It was horrible. It was the beginning of a full-blown anxiety attack. I saw all of those parents who were well dressed, smiling, laughing, enjoying themselves. Honestly, I just felt like I wouldn’t fit in. So, I ran. Sat in my car for the next hour reading a book…in the church parking lot because I was too ashamed to come home and tell my husband that I couldn’t handle it.

How did Eeyore do it? How was he so sad all of the time, yet was able to have fun with Tigger and the rest of his friends during social events? If you are unfamiliar with Tigger, he is also a character in Winnie-the-Pooh. His personality was very exuberant, friendly, and energetic. The complete opposite of Eeyore. I believe the reason why Eeyore was able to be sad but still have friends was that he didn’t put on a mask. He didn’t have to suppress his sadness because that’s just who he was. He accepted it and his friends did too.

Which brings me to my next point, anxiety just isn’t anxiety. Anxiety is the result of a deeper, rooted issue. For me, my rooted issue is fear. Fear of being discovered. Fear of judgement. Fear of rejection. When I saw the other parents living it up like it was 1999, I was afraid. I was afraid that I would walk in like Eeyore at a Tigger party, except they would judge me or treat me like a leaper because “no one likes to be around a person who is sad all of the time.” So I ran and spent time with the only person I knew wouldn’t judge me; Jesus. If you thought I was going to say myself, that would have been a whole lie because I judge myself all of the time.

I’ve been feeling really anxious lately, but then God revealed to me it is due to fear. Once I thought about it, I couldn’t help but agree. I am truly afraid. I’m afraid all of the time. I’m afraid for my children’s future. I’m afraid of what people may say about my appearance or health. I’m afraid of certain family members and their judgement. I’m afraid of the choices I’ve made and the result of them. I’m afraid that I may never get better. Any of this sound familiar? If not, it wouldn’t surprise me that I’m the only crazy worrying about this kind of nonsense because let’s be honest, who cares what people think? Or better yet, why do I care? Because I’ve always cared. It’s been a driving factor in my life to do well and be in the “elite class” of humanity. And when I fall short, I am judged, thus creating fear. I wish I wasn’t like this. I pray every day for the Lord to take it away, but then if I don’t have it, will I still have the passion that I have for humanity as a whole? Ok, I think I’m going down a rabbit hole with this one.

Louie Giglio, a pastor at Passion City Church, wrote, “The antidote to fear is faith, and the soundtrack of faith is worship.” When we are feeling fearful or anxious, this is the time to draw closer to God.

We must remind ourselves that he is able by refocusing on him and his plan for our lives. Did you know that in the Bible, God tells us to “fear not” 366 times? That’s every day of the year including leap year. Fear and anxiety is not something we are supposed to carry.

It is easy to say, I will not let fear reign over me when it feels like my chest has an elephant sitting on it. I have to remind myself that God says, “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11

I know his plans for me aren’t to walk around in fear, that’s what Satan wants. He is not of God of fear, but a God of mercy and righteousness. His gift of grace does not include fear, anxiety, depression, addiction, anger, hopelessness, rejection, nor judgment. Those are the enemies tricks and lies.

But now God has shown us a way to be made right with him without keeping the requirements of the law, as was promised in the writings of Moses^[a] and the prophets long ago. ²²We are made right with God by placing our faith in Jesus Christ. And this is true for everyone who believes, no matter who we are.

²³For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard.²⁴Yet God, in his grace, freely makes us right in his sight. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins. -Romans 3:21-24

Next time you feel anxious about anything, I recommend you to do two things: (1.) Find the root of the anxiety so whatever fruit you bear will be free of it (2.) Draw nearer to Jesus because he bore that fear and punishment for you on the cross. Give it to God!

Remember, as I stated Prayer Is The Best Medicine. Pray for yourself, pray for others, pray for those in need, which is everyone! We all need Jesus. I love you all and have a wonderful day.

June 6, 2018

Goodbye For Now

Namaste Blogger Family,

Thank you all so much for reading my thoughts and staying with me throughout this journey, but I have to step away from social media for a while. For the past couple of weeks, I haven’t been doing well emotionally and social media intensifies what I’m feeling. So, I’ve decided to take a break and spend more time focusing on my family and my relationship with God.

I so badly wanted to have a successful blog 1. so I can monetize it and 2. because I wanted to help people realize that all isn’t lost when you are struggling with a mental and/or physical illness. Turns out, I am unable to accomplish neither task if my mental state is in the wrong space. And social media has a way of offering false hope and idols, allowing the enemy to further distract me from the ultimate goal; becoming a God-fearing mom for the children.

So I would like to say goodbye for now, but not for long. I will allow God (and health professionals) to let me know when it would be safe for me to return.

I have a post scheduled for later this afternoon and since I feel it is important, it will still get posted. Hopefully, you find comfort and hope in what I was lead to say.

I love you all dearly, and remember, pray for another as the Holy Spirit prays for you…love one another as our Abba Father loves you. God bless you each and every one of you.

Healing with Harotian

Posts

Gods Affirmations

More Precious Than All Of The Galaxies

DID YOU KNOW?

AND

Monday Inspiration: Warriors NOT Worriers

ARM YOURSELF WITH (Ephesians 6:10-18)

Healing: July Monthly Theme

SURRENDER. PRAY. TRUST. BE STILL.

Need Healing?

Days Like Today

Isolation

First Time I Was Abused

Funny Friday: A Trip To The Doctor

Music Is Life: Hills and Valleys

Well, At Least You’re Not…

Not Just Staying Alive

What Was I Thinking?

Being Eeyore At A Tigger Party

Goodbye For Now