Posted on by Ashley Tara

When It Rains, It Pours

The past few days have been really difficult for me. Lupus is a cruel mystery. My days have been filled with doctors appointments and uncertainties. It’s discomforting to hear your health care provider say, “With Lupus, it can be anything.”

I’ve been experiencing severe chest pains. Coming from a healthcare background, I know that chest pain is something that you cannot dismiss. I called my Rheumatologist (Lupus doctor) about my symptoms. I waited one whole day to hear her nurse tell me that I need to go the emergency room. I’ve called this lady before about other symptoms and her answer is always, “go the emergency room.” I hate the emergency room. They charge you an arm and a leg to give me a prescription for Prednisone (which my rheumatologist could have done) and send me back home. The E.R. has been my home away from home for the past year and a half. So, I skipped the emergency room and went straight to my local urgent care. I figured they could do the same tests for a lower cost and less invasive procedures. I was quickly met with disappointment when they told me that my EKG is abnormal and that I need to do to the emergency room, anyway. I head to the emergency room only to be greeted by 40 people who are currently dealing with the flu epidemic and was told that my wait would be three hours or longer since there were only two doctors on staff. And that’s not even the tip of the iceberg.

Lupus is a cruel mystery because there is something wrong, but no one can tell me what it is. I continue to give away our hard earned funds to big pharma, hospitals, and private doctors offices without a guarantee that the medication would even help with my symptoms. Daily symptoms include:

  • Memory Loss/Confusion
  • Shortness of breath
  • Numbness is fingers and toes. They also turn white
  • Fatigue and unexplained fevers
  • Unexplained rashes
  • Unexplained hair loss (which isn’t that bad since I can convince my husband to buy me stylish bonnets and wigs)
  • Nausea/vomiting, unexplained abdominal pain
  • Hours of phone conversations with doctors and hospitals that eventually lead to questions and concerns being unanswered
  • Extreme muscle/joint pain and inflammation
  • Depression (but I kind of had this before my Lupus diagnosis, so I can blame Lupus? I will anyway)
  • Unexplained weight loss (I weighed 185 pounds in October 2016. Now I am currently 104 pounds)
  • NO eating chocolate (this is the cake topper, here)

My days and nights have been filled with thousands of tears streaming from my eyes. Worry has been plaguing me every minute of every day. What is wrong? How can we fix this? How can I become healthy again?

There are so many blogs, Instagram pages, and ads all telling me how to live a healthier life. The only thing that all of these resources have in common is their solutions cost money. If you ask my wallet, “what is money?”, it’ll ask you back, “what is money?” True story.

I thought about starting a GoFundMe page to help pay for medical expenses, but the thought of asking for money from strangers is uncomfortable for me. I feel like everyone is working hard for their money. Who am I to ask for it? Even if it is for a good cause. I want to believe that God will provide for me and my needs. I’m just so frustrated, sad, and angry. Frustrated because I’m dealing with an illness that healthcare professionals have no idea what it is. Sad because I feel like I’m letting down my family. Angry because I just want answers. I want to be better. I want to become the person that I was meant to be.

If you are a prayer warrior, please pray for me. Pray that God reveals his plans for me. Pray that I will be released from the prison of chronic illness and mental hell.

I came across this scripture that helped the tears stop flowing for a moment. That short time was a blessing because I don’t want to cry anymore. It gives me great comfort to know that my Lord is willing to take my burdens. I know I just have to be patient.

“Come to me, all of you who are tired from carrying heavy loads, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke and put it on you, and learn from me, because I am gentle and humble in spirit; and you will find rest. For the yoke I will give you is easy, and the load I will put on you is light.” -Matthew 11:28-30

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74 Replies to “When It Rains, It Pours”

  2. My each moment from now will hold your name in the prayers…
    I know u r very strong…stronger than I could ever be…but u will come out of this for sure…I hope and pray that you get well soon…
    Sending loads of love and all of the blessing your way…
    Take care !!!

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

  6. First of all, no chocolate? My heart breaks for you my dear….second of it, the Lord is really there for you to cast all your burdens on Him, and as he promised He will be there for you. He is no man to Lie, not a son of man to fall short of His promise
    If you just believe in him, call on me and leave everything at His feet….he will meet you according to your needs.
    I know I’m leaving a lengthy comment here, but I feel sad that you’re going through this….you are such a beautiful soul. So, I just prayed that God will give you rest and peace! Love ❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

    1. I love any lengthy comment that you leave, especially one as beautiful as this one. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I do believe He will meet all of my needs. ❤️🌹

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  8. Why not you start working with practices Yoga. Prayers won’t help you 100 percent unless you physically fit. Your diet and fitness can play a big role. When you practice yoga your immunity with mind and heart will develop to better extent. You will slowly smile and develop a strong perfection towards health. It will irritate you when you start. But you wont regret for trying this. Wish you a big smile every moment. Cheers.

    Liked by 4 people

    Reply

    1. Thank you so much for the suggestion. I’ve actually started doing Yoga a few weeks ago. Honestly, I love it. Right now, I’m doing slow flow yoga once a week to help with symptoms. This just shows great minds think alike! 😂😂 Thank you so much! ❤️❤️❤️

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  9. Hi !
    I have nominated you for bloggers recognition award!
    Post same on your site and write as nominated by “Rashmi or paste my address” and answer these 2 questions :
    1.Why I blog
    2. Two tips for new bloggers
    And nominate any 4 new bloggers including me !
    All the best

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

  11. I am so so sorry you are struggling. I know when you have a chronic disease you get all kinds of advice in every direction. So I hate to add to the cacauphony, but…have you heard of Dr. Brooke Goldner? I just read her book “Goodbye Lupus”. She had really severe lupus when she was a teenager. She was told she wasn’t going to live past 30 and had severe kidney issues. She reversed her lupus with diet. No joke, no gimmick. I read her book because I have some autoimmune things too. She does a rapid healing group that you can sign up for. http://www.veganmedicaldoctor.com/home.html

    Liked by 3 people

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    1. Oh wow. Thank you so much. I will take all of the advice I can take. I will look into her book. It’s perfect timing because I just signed up for Kindle unlimited free trial. Thank you so much 😊 ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  15. Stay strong, God works all things together for your good. You’re a voice in the wilderness.
    Here is another verse that demonstrated the depths of God’s love and fight for you:

    “Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I gave Egypt as a ransom for your freedom; I gave Ethiopia and Seba in your place. Others were given in exchange for you. I traded their lives for yours because you are precious to me. You are honored, and I love you.”
    ‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭43:1-4‬ ‭

    Liked by 2 people

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  18. I definitely understand your frustration! I DESPISE the emergency room as well. Just last week I was admitted and told them to please hand me my discharge papers. They love to run up medical bills just for them to do the same exact things my lupus doctor could have done. It is crazy all the meds we have to take in order to feel slightly better- and ALL of these meds and doctor’s visits are COSTLY as heck. That scripture you mentioned above has gotten me through a lot of rough times. I’m happy to see that it is working for you as well. Thanks for sharing your story with us 🙂 and check out the lupus foundation of america’s webpage in your area. They generally have resources that you can utilize that are typically free (clinics, assistance with medication, etc). Praying for you 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words. Yes, I agree that the hospitals and big pharma are only interested in money,l. I will definitely check out LFA webpage. I’ve been to a couple of support groups to help with my emotions. May God bless you and your recovery 💜💜💜💜

      Liked by 1 person

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  19. Prayers x Love! ❤💜💜❤ If I can, I’d love to assist. Maybe we can live healthier together! Your story is all too familiar, but remember…YOU GOT THIS! #LupieNoMore

    Liked by 1 person

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  20. Pingback: When It Rains, It Pours! – Flying Above Lupus

  22. I am so sorry you have to go through this! AI disorders are so difficult to diagnose and treat, modern medicine really hasn’t sorted it out yet with so many systems affected. I am glad you have found a yoga practice that you like, that and walking to keep your immune system strong are great for your overall health and mood.
    I truly hope you get a reprieve soon 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words. Although it’s sucks, I truly believe that there is a lesson for me in all of this. ❤️❤️❤️ Thank you for reading and commenting as well. I value every comment and like from all of my followers 😉🌹

      Liked by 1 person

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  24. Prayers to you! Jesus is Healer; remember the woman who had the issue for a long time and spent all her money on doctors; when she heard Jesus was coming she believed if she just touched Jesus’ garment she would be healed; Jesus stopped and said, “Who touched me” for he felt the healing power flow out from him and she was completely healed. Father, let your healing power flow!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Yes Jesus! Thank you for the reminder. Sometimes I forget about the power of His grace always seems to find me. God bless you ❤️

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    1. It does feel good to let it out. You’ll find so much support from fellow bloggers. It’s great. Thank you for reading ❤️❤️

      Like

      Reply

  26. My heart goes out to you. I know that has to be hard emotionally, financially, …just draining. I hope and pray you get some answers and that you will feel good soon. I dont think it is a bad idea to start a gofund me page. Everyone needs help. NOne of us know what the next day brings and gofund me was designed to help those in need. Dont be ashamed or afraid to ask for help when things get tough. I hope you are having a better day today…

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words and your advice. I think you’re right. There is no shame in asking for help. I’m trying to set something up now. Thanks again dear! ❤️❤️🤗🤗

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      Reply
  27. Pingback: Lupus Awareness Month – Harotian Essentials

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