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Weakness Is Strength

Lately, I’ve been finding myself praying for strength. Strength to get through the day. Strength to NOT scream in frustration at my four-year-old. Strength to tolerate one more day of uncertainty. I want to be strong. I need to be strong. I feel strength will give me the ability to tackle whatever obstacle comes my way.

Somedays, I grieve the strength that I used to have. It seems so long ago that functioning through everyday life was as easy as breathing. I’ve always been able to pick myself up once I’ve gone through a hard time. This time it’s different. This time, my emotions feel foreign to my heart. It’s almost like, I’m not who I thought I was and maybe I’m not. Maybe, just maybe, God placed this obstacle in my life in order to reveal the real me and my true strength.

My battle with physical and mental illness’ has taught me so much; compassion, acknowledgment of my feeling of those around me, and a strong relationship with God. Most days, I see that my struggles are apart of a more elaborate plan by my Father.

Right now, I am reading a book called One Year Guide to Praying the Promises of God by Cheri Fuller & Jennifer Kennedy Dean. It is a daily devotional that I read to help me center me. Each day reminds me of God’s promises and why I shouldn’t lose faith. I would like to share an example that was used to show how although we may see our struggles as our weaknesses, God uses them to strengthen us.

f2d4da07ecc70d692182489306a45a4f[In Exodus 4:12] God was calling Moses to a task that was bigger than he was. God wanted Moses to deliver a message, but Moses could only concentrate on his failures. He begged God not to send him because he felt like he wouldn’t have the right words.

In (Acts 7:22), Moses was described as someone who “powerful in both speech and action” before his 40-year hiatus. Afterwards, he became a man who was “not very good with words” (Exodus 4:10). It is believed that during his forty year desert training period, God stripped Moses from his self-confidence. God’s purpose was not to leave Moses insecure and weak, but instead for Moses to transfer his confidence to God. When it comes to God’s power, Moses’ weaknesses and failures became irrelevant. The only thing to measure is the power of God, and the power of God never comes up short.

God promises Moses and, by extension, you and me: “Whatever you need in the moment, I will supply.” In this instance, Moses needed the right words to deliver Gods message. But whatever we need to fulfill Gods request, God will supply. He will give us what we need when we need it.

We don’t have to worry about what to do or say because the Spirit of God, who knows the mind of God, lives in our heart. He has direct access to our minds and deposit the wisdom and guidance that we need. (See 1 Corinthians 2:10-16, James 1:5)

I hope this helped you as much as it helped me when I read it. We have to stay strong and fight because God will give us the tools that we need to survive. If you are thinking about giving up, pray for strength and guidance. Sometimes, just simply saying, “Jesus” will provide you comfort in your time of need. Stay blessed family.

You are wonderful. You are special. You are beautifully made.

“His promise gives us the courage to be on call every minute of every day, ready to respond to this command. There is no need to inventory our weaknesses when God’s strength is the determining factor. When we transfer all our confidence from ourselves to him, what is left to fear?” -Jennifer Kennedy Dean

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Funny Friday

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A boy asks his father, “Dad, are bugs good to eat?” “That’s disgusting. Don’t talk about things like that over dinner,” the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, “Now, son, what did you want to ask me?” “Oh, nothing,” the boy says. “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.”

I hope everyone is having a wonderful start to their weekend.

You are smart. You are special. You are beautifully made.

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My Time in SAA

love-yourself

I’ve allowed the curser on my laptop is blink for at least 20 minutes while I thought about how I would begin my post today. I even have my notebook open to my notes about self-forgiveness. But, there is a very intimate story that I would like to share, but I am afraid. I am afraid of judgment. I am afraid that my children may read this one day and think less of me. I am afraid that talking about this would bring up old feelings of resentment and self-hatred. But, this subject has been on my heart to share. I feel there are so many women who are afraid to address this topic because of the same fears. So, then, is it my responsibility to share my story so other women like me can know that they are not alone? So they can have the courage to speak their truth? I don’t know. I honestly, do not have the answers. So, I’ll just get into it with hopes that you, as my readers, will understand my story and why I am deciding to tell it.

During my childhood, I thought sex equaled love and love equaled sex. Due to this ideology, I lost my virginity at a very young age. Maybe it had something to do with being sexually assaulted by a close family member or maybe it was all of the dirty movies and televisions shows I watched late at night on HBO. By the time I had turned nineteen, I had already had over fifteen sexual partners. Half of them were one night stands. It wasn’t until almost ten years later when I had to spend three weeks at a addiction and mental illness outpatient facility, where I learned that I had an addiction and that having sex with every Tom, Dick, and Harry wasn’t a healthy lifestyle to live. Not an addiction to sex, per se, but addiction to the feeling that comes along with sex. I was addicted to the 10-15 minutes (sometimes shorter) of peace that I had of NOT feeling worthless, empty, doomed, sad, angry, etc. I even carried on a relationship with a man who had a live-in girlfriend with children because he made me feel like someone other than myself. I allowed men to destroy my self-esteem. I listened when they told me that I was only good enough for sex. They didn’t verbally say it, but their actions did and I allowed it.

After my outpatient treatment was over, I felt good about myself again. I vowed that I wouldn’t put myself through spiritual damnation any longer. That I will not tolerate men who wanted to treat me less than I deserved. I began going to SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) meetings. It felt weird at first. When I was first told about the meetings, I thought it was for people who were considered nymphomaniacs. It never occurred to me that you could be addicted to love or the illusion of an unhealthy definition of what love is. At first, I only attended women’s meetings. I thought I would be more comfortable there and I was. The women there were so nice and sweet. To my surprise, a lot of them were there to learn how to love themselves again. To treasure their bodies as they would a holy temple and not use it for a few minutes of human gratification; to feel absentee emotions.

One night, the women’s meeting was canceled. The only group that was meeting was a mixed gender group 30 minutes from my house. I was really dedicated to my recovery, so I decided to go. As I walked into a small room filled with old, musty books, I looked around to see about 10 white men over the age of 40, sitting there waiting for me to join them. I felt so awkward. I immediately wanted to turn around a leave, but the leader came up to me and introduced himself. He was surprisingly welcoming. After he introduced himself, everyone else introduced themselves and welcomed me like I’ve been a regular part of the group for years. It was amazing, yet intimidating. They didn’t judge me, nor treat me like I was a young, black woman. They treated me like someone who needed help just like them. After we sat down and shared our stories, we found that we all had a lot in common. How this addiction had affected our self-esteem and our personal relationships. Although, our stories we different, the outcomes were ultimately the same. I walked away that night feeling fulfilled. I had a better understanding from a man’s perspective. The leader of the group told me afterward, that because of my story he felt like he had a better understanding of this illness from a woman’s perspective.

I will never forget this time in my life because this was the beginning of how I have learned to love myself. It also taught me to have so much compassion for other people. Young, old, black, or white, everyone has a struggle. Some struggles can be seen and others you can’t see. A lot of those men and woman I spoke to were successful and well-put together. Some were professionals, some were homemakers. There were people that were single and other’s that have been married for decades. Being all together in one room for an hour or so was one of the most beautiful experiences I’ve ever felt. We all had different backgrounds, were from different cultures and religions, but we each knew exactly how the other was feeling. It’s the biggest connection I’ve ever felt (outside of my family) to another human being. That is what I was missing. Not sex, not a few minutes if possible pleasure, but to feel real love and real human connection.

This is my truth. This is my story. I want young women and men to know that sex does not equate to love. Love is endless. It fulfills a void that you didn’t even know was missing. Love is beautiful and sirene. It is not questioned, nor oddly observed. Love is all and all is love. Love is not a quickie in the back seat. Know your worth and love yourself. Treat your body as a beautiful temple made by our Creature. You are worthy. You are special. You are beautifully made.

“Love who you are, embrace who you are. Love yourself. When you love yourself, people can kind of pick up on that: they can see confidence, they can see self-esteem, and naturally, people gravitate towards you.” -Lilly Singh

To those who have nominated me for awards, I have not forgotten about you. I will post my responses soon. Thank you and I love you all.

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Goodbye Lupus

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For the past few days, I’ve had the pleasure of reading called Goodbye Lupus: How a Medical Doctors Healed Herself Naturally With Supermarket Foods by Brooke Goldner. This was suggested by one of my wonderful followers. Thank you so much for this suggestion because it was a wonderful read.

In her book, Dr. Goldner speaks about how she was diagnosed with Lupus at the age of 16 and how dramatically her life changed after that. While studying to become a doctor, she faced a number of illness’ including arthritis, kidney disease, and blood clots. It became so bad that it interfered with her education.

When she was 23 years old, she met her now husband, who is a health guru. He introduced her to a special diet that eventually led to her complete recovery from Lupus and it’s attached illness’. She calls it, The Healing Nutrition Plan. She breaks it down into 6 easy steps:

  1. Eliminate Animal Products- Animal products, such as chicken, beef, pork, lamb, and fish (and eggs and dairy products) can cause major inflammation in the body.
  2.  Eliminate Added Oils- Eliminate excess omega-6 fatty acids. Too much omega-6 fatty acids (found in animal products and vegetable oil) can cause major inflammation
  3. Eliminate Processed Foods
  4. Eat plenty of raw fruits and vegetables
  5. Consume Omega-3s Everyday- Can be found in fish oil and plant-based products, such as seaweed, flax seed, chia seeds, and walnuts
  6. Drink plenty of water- Dr. Goldner recommends at least a gallon of water a day

I would definitely recommend anyone who is looking for a healthier lifestyle to read this book. I think it is a helpful resource, not just for those who are struggling with a chronic illness, but anyone who wants to live a healthier life or if you just want more energy throughout the day.

She shares her struggles and triumphs while dealing with a chronic autoimmune disorder, along with wonderful smoothie recipes for the entire family. Her journey is truly inspiring. I will definitely be following a lot of her advice, especially increasing my water and raw vegetable intake.

You can find her book on Amazon by clicking here; Goodbye Lupus or Sign Up for 30-day free trial with Kindle Unlimited by clicking here; 30 Day Free Trial Kindle Unlimited and you can read it for free.

“I encourage you to say ‘I will have my life’ out loud. It helps. This is incredibly important to believe and fight for. If you let it, Lupus can rob you of your life and your dreams – so don’t let it do so!” -Dr. Brooke Goldner

 

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Funny Fridays

Good day readers

Each Friday, I would like to share with you a funny joke, story, or something I just find super hilarious and I hope you find it hilarious as well. This is another goal that I’m adding to my list. Please check out my previous blog post, Blogging With Depression about how if you’re struggling with an illness or depression/anxiety, how you should take it slow especially when adding goals. Right now I feel pretty good about accomplishing the goals that I have set thus far, so I have decided to add another one. Dedicating one day to one specific kind of content is definitely a goal that I want to accomplish. So let’s see how this goes.

 “Helicopter Ride”

 Walter took his wife Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, “Ethel, you know that I’d love to go for a ride in that helicopter.” But Ethel would always reply, “I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”

Finally, they went to the fair, and Walter said to Ethel, “Ethel, you know I’m 87 years old now. If I don’t ride that helicopter this year, I may never get another chance.” Once again Ethel replied, “Walter, you know that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”

This time the helicopter pilot overheard the couple’s conversation and said, “Listen, folks, I’ll make a deal with you. I’ll take both of you for a ride; if you can both stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won’t charge you! But if you say just one word, it’s 50 dollars.”

Walter and Ethel agreed and up they went in the helicopter. The pilot performed all kinds of fancy moves and tricks, but not a word was said by either Walter or Ethel. The pilot did his death-defying tricks over and over again, but still, there wasn’t so much as one word said. When they finally landed, the pilot turned to Walter and said, “Wow! I’ve got to hand it to you. I did everything I could to get you to scream or shout out, but you didn’t. I’m really impressed!”

Walter replied, “Well, to be honest, I almost said something when Ethel fell out but, you know, 50 dollars is 50 dollars!”

I borrowed this wonderful story from LaffGaff.com

“Smiling is definitely one of the best beauty remedies. If you have a good sense of humor and a good approach to life, that’s beautiful.” -Rashida Jones

 

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Setting Goals

goals

Good day fellow bloggers!

Today, we are going to switch it up a bit. A few months ago, I was duped into spending $15 of our hard earned money on a program that stated it would help me set goals for a business that I am trying to start. After I generously paid, I received an email of questions that I feel wasn’t worth $15; no explanation, just questions. So, I want to share them with you for free.

I’ve changed the outline and wording of the original questions so they can’t sue me. 🙂

Setting Goals

Setting clear goals is an important part of the success of your business. The next set of questions should help you get really clear on the goals that you want to set. Set aside an hour of your time to truly immerse yourself in the task for maximum results.

Current Analysis

  1. Where is my business right now?
  2. What is my current income?
  3. What am I good at?
  4. What can I do better?
  5. Are there any additional skills that I may need to help my business work more efficiently?
  6. What additional resources, such as, courses, books, coaching, videos or audios, could help further my business agenda?
  7. Is there anything I cannot do?
  8. What do I need to gain more skills?
  9. What will all of this cost?

Future Planning

  1. What would you like for your income to be in 3 months? 12 months? 3 years?
  2. What would you like to spend the extra income on?
  3. How would your extra income make you feel?
  4. What would the extra income do for you and your family?
  5. How will you be able to increase your income?
    1. Sell more?
    2. New products?
    3. New services?

Personal and Family Goals

  1. Do you have balance in your life right now?
  2. Do you spend enough time with your family?
  3. Do you spend enough time with yourself?
  4. Are you able to set aside 15 minutes to yourself?
  5. What do you do to recharge yourself?

Summary

  1. What is your number one?
    1. Personal Goals
    2. Business Goals
  2. Take time to break down Personal Goals/Business Goals into 10 smaller steps
  3. How would achieving your goals make you feel?
  4. Sit for 5 minutes and visualize your emotions. Try to really feel how amazing it would feel to achieve all of your goals.

Thank you guys for reading my post today. Like I said, it is a bit different from my usual subjects, but I wanted to share with you what I have come across and learned. I have realized that you can use this list of questions for any goal you want to accomplish, not just starting a business.

I would like each and every one of you to have a great day! May God bless you in every way.

“There are times I am happy. There are times I am sad. But I always try to separate emotion from the need to reach for something stronger, deeper. And then no matter the emotion, I can reach for a stability that helps me accomplish what is the goal.” -Troy Polamalu

 

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Blogger Recognition Award

I have been nominated for “Blogger Recognition” award by:

Thank you, both for nominating me for such a wonderful award. Thank you for reading my words and my thoughts. Most importantly, thank you for supporting my blog. It is people like the both of you that I encounter who continues to give me encouragement and strength during this time in my life. Friends, please check out their wonderful blogs by clicking the links above.

The rules of Blogger Recognition Award are:

1.Post the rules.

2.Use the Blogger Recognition Award badge on your page.

3.Tell us why you blog.

4.Give us two tips for new bloggers.

5.Nominate at least 4 new bloggers for this award and notify each of them of the nomination.

Why do I blog?

I blog for a few reasons:

  1. I love to write
  2. I want to share my trials and tribulations in hopes that someone in the WordPress can relate. I want to share my experiences so those who are struggling know that they are not alone.
  3. It helps lower my depression and anxiety symptoms
  4. It helps me feel productive on days that I am unable to do much of anything else.

Tips for new bloggers:

  1. Set realistic goals
  2. Do not compare yourself to other bloggers. Your journey is unique. You have your own path to follow.
  3. Be consistent

My nominations for the blogger recognition awards are:

ALL 231 of my followers. Every blog that I have come across are run by some pretty awesome people. I would like to nominate all of you guys. By the way, thank you to everyone who is following me. I really appreciate your support and inspirational messages and comments.

Thank you again to those who were kind enough to nominate me. There aren’t enough words in the English dictionary to describe my love and gratitude. Let’s all continue to support each other’s ventures, goals, and aspirations.

“To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone.” -Reba McEntire

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Mystery Blogger Award

Thank you to my dear friends, Ana at Timeless Classic Blog and Roy Shoumodip for nominating me for the Mystery Blogger Award. You already know how I feel about you guys! You are the sugar in my coffee, the ray in my sunshine, and the delicious cream filling in my twinkie. You both are awesome sauce on the most delicious burger ever created. Shout out to my soul sister and my Indian brother from another mother. Please click the links above to check out their blog content. I promise you will not be disappointed.

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“The Mystery Blogger Award is for amazing bloggers with ingenious posts. Their blog not only captivates; it inspires and motivates. They are one of the best out there, and they deserve every recognition they get. This award is also for bloggers who find fun and inspiration in blogging, and they do it with so much love and passion.”

Created by Okoto Enigma:

https://www.okotoenigmasblog.com/

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Nomination Rules:

– Put the award logo/image on your blog.

– List the rules.

– Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog.

– Mention the creator of the award and provide a link as well.

– Tell your readers 3 things about yourself.

– Nominate 10 – 20 people.

– Notify your nominees by commenting on their blog.

– Ask your nominees any 5 questions of your choice; with one weird or funny question (specify).

– Share a link to your best post(s).

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3 Things About Myself

  1. I have over 17 tattoos (approximately over 12 hours worth of art)
  2. My spirit animal is an Elephant
  3. I have roughly 23 brothers and sisters; 10 on my moms side and 13-14 on my dads side. (The Temptations specifically wrote “Papa Was A Rolling Stone” for my dad)

*****

Questions my nominator had for me:

Five Questions from Timeless Classics – Poetry by Ana Daksina – WordPress.com:

  1. What movie do you especially love, and why?Nightmare Before Christmas because it is a classic love story. The only romance movie that I will watch to be honest. LOL
  2. What is your favorite recreational activity? Yoga
  3. How do you feel about UFO’s? I feel like they do exist. I do not think that we are the only intelligent beings in the universe and NASA just pretty much confirmed it. So, I guess we’ll see if we’re about to go through “Independence Day: Trump Era”.
  4. Got a favorite quote or two you’d like to share? “The greatest mistake you can make in life is to continually fear that you will make one.” -Elbert Hubbard. This quote speaks volumes to me because, for a very long time, I was so afraid of making mistakes and failing. Until I realized through this quote that, being afraid of failing would be my biggest failure in itself. I realized I cannot allow fear to control my life.
  5. What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow? What is the what to the what of a who?? Ana, you’re wrong for this one. I can barely remember how many pints are in a gallon. LOL 🙂 This is how I know you’re my soul sister. Hahahaha!

Five Questions from The Floating Thoughts by ROY – thoughts of yours … – WordPress.com

  1. How do you choose a topic of your writings? I meditate on which topics I should write about. I have tons of ideas written down on sticky notes around my house, in all of my notebooks, and even in my phone. Since I only post on Wednesdays, Fridays, and Sundays, I spend the other days of the week meditating on which topics to choose. I usually get a strong feeling when I know which topic will be posted.
  2. Which is your favorite song that helps you to write? I love to listen to Chillstep mixes on YouTube. Songs with words distract me, so listening to instrumentals increases my concentration, creating the perfect environment.
  3. If given an option how will you live your life again until the age you are now? I don’t know if I would. Honestly, I know everything that I have faced in life is apart of a meaningful plan. I believe my life has gone exactly as it’s supposed to. All of my struggles will pay off someday and when that day comes, I know that it will all be worth it. Every tear, every moment of despair, will not have gone unnoticed.
  4. Write a letter in one sentence to the most crucial person in your life. (The person can be either who brought something good in your life or who left you broken) Husband, you are the light to every corner of darkness in my life. I love you beyond all of the stars and planets in the universe. You are truly my soulmate and I couldn’t think of anyone else to spend this life with. Thank you for loving me and taking care of me. Thank you for marrying me. Thank you for getting up at 2am for an emergency pancake run when I was having extreme cravings. I love you Superman big!
  5. What makes you happy? Pop lock and dropping. Hahaha. I’m being silly, but that does make me happy. That and the tootsie roll.

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Here are those NEW NOMINEES!

All of my followers! There are so many of you guys and I love you all. Please take this opportunity to use this platform to meet other bloggers like us. You will find support beyond belief. I was skeptical at first, but I’ve met so many wonderful people from all over the world. 

*****

If you decide to participate, here are my questions to you?

  1. Winter or Summer?
  2. Do you have a bucket list? If so, what is number 5?
  3. Do you think women should be obligated to shave their legs and underarms?
  4. What is your favorite Michael Jackson song?
  5. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

I hope all of you decide to participate. Although you don’t receive an actual metal statue made from gold, you’ll receive so much love and support from other bloggers. The support on this platform has been overwhelming. I wish the best for each and every person reading this right now. May God prosper your lives and answer every spoken and unspoken prayer.

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Awesome Blogger Award

Hey Friends!

I am so overwhelmed by the love that I have been receiving since starting my blog. It seems that I am accomplishing my goals by inspiring other people who may be facing difficult times in their life. One lesson that I have learned during this process is that humanity is still thriving with compassion and love. I was beginning to give up hope, but I have met so many loving, supportive people who continue to encourage me to keep writing, especially on days that I do not feel well.

Roy Shoumodip has nominated me for the Awesome Blogger Award. Roy, you are so awesome and sweet. You are one of many that have inspired me to write material worthy of your reading time. Your love runs deep for humanity and I’m so proud of you and your blog. Thank you so much for your support and acknowledgment. It is this blogging community that continues to motivate me so I can continue to do what I know I was called to do.

So, I’m going to get on with the questions since I know that is your favorite part, Roy. 🙂

  1. What is the latest book you’re reading and are you enjoying it?

I am currently reading Goodbye Lupus by Brooke Goldner. It was suggested to me by Amy with Screaming Into My Pillow Blog. This was a wonderful suggestion because it is giving me wonderful ideas on how to manage my Lupus symptoms with diet and exercise.

  1. Twitter, Facebook, Instagram or Other?

I prefer Instagram because out of all (3) social media outlets, Instagram is less depressing. I follow a lot of inspirational pages so I am not meet with the cruel comments from trolls and people who just want to watch the world burn.

  1. What is your favorite word and why?

Frivolous because this is the only word that perfectly describes my way of life. LOL

  1. Dogs or Cats?

I prefer dogs, which is a surprise if you would have known me 15 years ago. I grew up in very poor neighborhoods where dogs were bred to fight. I’ve had quite a few run-ins with vicious dogs which turned into unreasonable fear. When I was 15 years old, but aunt and uncle owned an American bulldog mix. She was huge. I remember being so afraid. One day, my uncle told me that if I wanted to continue visiting him, I would have to get used to their dog. She was apart of the family after all. Slowly, but surely, I began to love her. She was such an amazing dog. Since then, I have educated myself on different breeds of dogs, aggressive and non-aggressive. Over time, I developed a true love for these animals.

  1. Is there any song that holds any special meaning to you?

Mariah Carey-You Will Always Be My Baby. I’m not sure why this song makes me so emotional every time I hear it. I think I have a buried memory attached to this song and I am unable to remember it. When I hear it, I am met with an overwhelming feeling of love and anxiety at the same time. Weird, huh?

  1. What do you feel strongly about?

I feel strongly about the salvation that God has for our people. I want people to realize that Jesus is the way, the truth, and the light. I believe that if we demonstrated God’s love towards each other, humanity would be in a place of peace and harmony. I also feel strongly about medicinal marijuana being available for ALL who are struggling with mental and physical ailments. I feel marijuana treatment and therapy is better than opioids, which is plaguing our society and killing our youth.

  1. If you could grant one person in your life one wish, what would it be?

I would wish that my husband and children never experience pain. That they would be greeted with love and understanding from our cruel world.

  1. What is your favorite film?

I have so many favorite films, but if I had to pick one, then I will choose Nightmare Before Christmas. This film reminds me of the innocence that I lost so long ago.

  1. What is your favorite book?

My favorite is the Bible. Even if I weren’t a Christian, it is by far, the most interesting book ever written.

  1. Did you make any New Year’s Resolutions?

No, I did not. I did not want to put that kind of pressure on myself. I want to become better this year, of course, but I vowed to take one day at a time. I feel resolutions are meant to make you feel bad about the accomplishments you didn’t achieve, instead of celebrating the accomplishments you did achieve.

Thank you again, Roy, for the wonderful nomination. I am supposed to nominate other bloggers but everyone is so wonderful. So, I nominate all of my followers and anyone else who is reading this. Continue to blog your heart out, friends! Never give up. Stay Blessed

“Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow someone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. By all means, you should follow that.” -Ellen Degeneres

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She Must Be Crazy

I was seventeen years old when I was first diagnosed with Bipolar Depression. My doctor at the time prescribed Lexapro 20mg to get me started. We were supposed to discuss additional treatment during my next visit, but I never went back. I simply ignored my diagnosis. The first thought I had was, “I’m not crazy!” That was fifteen years ago. I was in denial because back then. I didn’t know what I know now, which is that mental illness is like any other illness. The longer it goes untreated, the sicker one becomes. It was hard hearing those words, “you have a mental illness.” Honestly, fifteen years after my diagnosis, it is still difficult for me to wrap my head around it.

After I was diagnosed, I did not tell anyone. I think some of my family members knew “something” was wrong, but they couldn’t put their finger on it. My mom would always say, “she must be crazy?” Referring to me of course. I didn’t want anyone to know at first because I didn’t believe it myself, but shortly after my first suicide attempt, I was forced to see the reality of my illness and sought help. Even then, I kept it a secret. This time, it was because I was ashamed and embarrassed. I felt like everyone would judge me and condemn me. I was more afraid of being judged then the illness itself. I distanced myself from my family and friends so I wouldn’t have to explain my odd behavior or my mood swings. I soon became a master manipulator and liar.

In 2014, shortly after my youngest son was born, I could no longer hide my illness from my family. It was becoming a burden I could longer bare by myself. It began to seep its way in every relationship I had in my life, including my children. I had to ask for help. At the time, my manic episodes were lasting for months and my family definitely noticed that something was wrong.

Luckily, my sister, mom, and brother were very supportive. They tried to understand my illness without judgment, only love, and support. This is where I learned that mental illness not only affects the host but the family members as well. I could see that my sister was struggling with my diagnosis, but she never allowed her ignorance of the disease to get in the way of our relationship. In a weird way, I think it brought us closer together.

My brother later told me that he suspected that I was struggling with a mental illness, but wasn’t sure how to approach me. I can understand why he felt resislent. Mental illness is a sore subject for a lot of people, especially in the black community. If you have a mental illness, you are treated like a leper. I can’t help but wonder if my life would have been different if I had shared my diagnosis sooner or if my brother had spoken to me about the symptoms that I was displaying.

Are you unsure if your loved one has a mental illness? Well, these are signs to look out for:

Appoaching your loved one about them possibly having a mental illness is hard. They may become defensive and angry. They may feel like you are calling them “crazy”. It can get ugly. There are a few things that you would need to understand before you proceed. Below are things to keep in mind when you decide to have that conversation.

  • Their journey of acceptance is their responsibility alone. You cannot force them to accept it. You cannot force them to agree with you. The only action you can take is planting the seed. Present your concern and allow them to disguist and accept. The journey to acceptance is a long one, so please be patient with them.
  • Be prepared. It’s going to take multiple conversations and attempts
  • When having a discussion, listen with a open heart without judgment.
  • Offer information only when they are willing to accept it
  • Set boundaries for your own well-beingKnow your limitations. This process is difficult for everyone involved. If you are unable to fully invest yourself, it is ok to walk away for a moment
    • Seek help, advice, and/or counseling.
    • Seek resources for families dealing with mental illness
  • Recognize that you are responsible for their happiness and health.
  • Ask them to “humor you” and go see a physician togetherWhile getting a wellness check up performed, you can also ask for the physician to do a mental evaluation as well.
    • You can tell them that the evaluation is to prove you wrong.
  • Do not trick them or lie to them. This will cause broken trust, thus making it even more difficult to convince your loved one of seeking help.
  • Voice your concern with compassion
  • Build trust and understanding
  • Your loved may continue to get angry when you make suggestions. The best action to take is to not get angry back. You want to try to stay calm so you can show them that you understand and want to help.
  • Listen to their concerns without judgement

The stigmas of mental illness can make it extremely difficult for one to accept their struggle, but you can help them through the process. I hope whoever is in your life that is struggling with a mental illness is able to get the help that they need and deserve. I pray for them that they have the courage to face what is ahead and know that they are NOT their mental illness.

“Don’t be ashamed of your story. It will inspire others.” -Unknown

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When It Rains, It Pours

The past few days have been really difficult for me. Lupus is a cruel mystery. My days have been filled with doctors appointments and uncertainties. It’s discomforting to hear your health care provider say, “With Lupus, it can be anything.”

I’ve been experiencing severe chest pains. Coming from a healthcare background, I know that chest pain is something that you cannot dismiss. I called my Rheumatologist (Lupus doctor) about my symptoms. I waited one whole day to hear her nurse tell me that I need to go the emergency room. I’ve called this lady before about other symptoms and her answer is always, “go the emergency room.” I hate the emergency room. They charge you an arm and a leg to give me a prescription for Prednisone (which my rheumatologist could have done) and send me back home. The E.R. has been my home away from home for the past year and a half. So, I skipped the emergency room and went straight to my local urgent care. I figured they could do the same tests for a lower cost and less invasive procedures. I was quickly met with disappointment when they told me that my EKG is abnormal and that I need to do to the emergency room, anyway. I head to the emergency room only to be greeted by 40 people who are currently dealing with the flu epidemic and was told that my wait would be three hours or longer since there were only two doctors on staff. And that’s not even the tip of the iceberg.

Lupus is a cruel mystery because there is something wrong, but no one can tell me what it is. I continue to give away our hard earned funds to big pharma, hospitals, and private doctors offices without a guarantee that the medication would even help with my symptoms. Daily symptoms include:

  • Memory Loss/Confusion
  • Shortness of breath
  • Numbness is fingers and toes. They also turn white
  • Fatigue and unexplained fevers
  • Unexplained rashes
  • Unexplained hair loss (which isn’t that bad since I can convince my husband to buy me stylish bonnets and wigs)
  • Nausea/vomiting, unexplained abdominal pain
  • Hours of phone conversations with doctors and hospitals that eventually lead to questions and concerns being unanswered
  • Extreme muscle/joint pain and inflammation
  • Depression (but I kind of had this before my Lupus diagnosis, so I can blame Lupus? I will anyway)
  • Unexplained weight loss (I weighed 185 pounds in October 2016. Now I am currently 104 pounds)
  • NO eating chocolate (this is the cake topper, here)

My days and nights have been filled with thousands of tears streaming from my eyes. Worry has been plaguing me every minute of every day. What is wrong? How can we fix this? How can I become healthy again?

There are so many blogs, Instagram pages, and ads all telling me how to live a healthier life. The only thing that all of these resources have in common is their solutions cost money. If you ask my wallet, “what is money?”, it’ll ask you back, “what is money?” True story.

I thought about starting a GoFundMe page to help pay for medical expenses, but the thought of asking for money from strangers is uncomfortable for me. I feel like everyone is working hard for their money. Who am I to ask for it? Even if it is for a good cause. I want to believe that God will provide for me and my needs. I’m just so frustrated, sad, and angry. Frustrated because I’m dealing with an illness that healthcare professionals have no idea what it is. Sad because I feel like I’m letting down my family. Angry because I just want answers. I want to be better. I want to become the person that I was meant to be.

If you are a prayer warrior, please pray for me. Pray that God reveals his plans for me. Pray that I will be released from the prison of chronic illness and mental hell.

I came across this scripture that helped the tears stop flowing for a moment. That short time was a blessing because I don’t want to cry anymore. It gives me great comfort to know that my Lord is willing to take my burdens. I know I just have to be patient.

“Come to me, all of you who are tired from carrying heavy loads, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke and put it on you, and learn from me, because I am gentle and humble in spirit; and you will find rest. For the yoke I will give you is easy, and the load I will put on you is light.” -Matthew 11:28-30

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