Not to long ago, I was wallowing in self-pity, trying to figure out how did I get so far from God. One day I woke up and found His presence to be faint. I was lost. I was confused. I was carrying the world on my shoulders. ” How did I get here?”, I would ask. Once again I found myself begging for Gods love, begging Him to take this weight off of me, begging for Him to save me. I begged, “Father, please meet me where I am! Please forgive me for putting the world before You”. Once those words were said out loud, I then realized where the disconnect began. As many of us do, I drifted into what the world wanted from me instead of living in the truth of who I really am.
The other day, my son and I were doing homework together. One of his spelling words was “hare”. He proceeds to ask, “Mom, what’s a hare?”. Once I told him it was another name for a rabbit, I went into the story about the tortious and the hare. I ordered it on my amazon audible app and we intently listened to the story about how (**SPOILER ALERT**) the tortious triumphantly defeated the hare because he was so determined, he didn’t allow distractions to get in the way of him reaching his goal. The hares problem was that he assumed he would win because technically rabbits are faster than tortious’, and because of that arrogance, he was convinced that he could indulge in those distractions and still come out on top.
As I was listening, it hit me. I have been living my life like the hare. And God knew it. As I cried out to Him, the plan He has for me was set in motion for me to realize I have been living like the hare. I’ve been assuming that I have to be further than I am, thus pushing myself until I crash and burn. And when that happens, I lose. My mental state is on the fritz, my overall function becomes almost nonexistent, along with the desire to stay hidden from the world. Once I get to a place where I see a glimmer of hope once more, I start all over, working hard to get back to a place of peace.
I never once considered to take it slow at a pace that suits me and that it is ok if my life is not in the same place of my friends and family. I now see that every step I’ve taken from the time I was born up until now has prepared me for this moment. There is no better teacher than life experience. Although I am only 36 years old, I’ve seen what this world has to offer. Maybe even too much. And trust me, it’s nothing to brag or be proud about.
Now is the time to be the tortious. Now is the time to take control by setting healthy boundaries to make sure we aren’t trying to live up to the worlds expectation. Throughout the story, the tortoise became tired and hungry, but he kept going. Fortunately, we have one advantage that the tortious didn’t have. Yahweh! When we get tired, when we became famished, when we feel the odds are against us, the answer isn’t to look for the world for answers, but look to the Word.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30
A couple of months ago as I was crying out for God to save me, He pointed me towards the story of the Samaritan woman. Once I obeyed, I was able to see that Jesus wanted me to sit at his feet, allow him to remove the burdens I was carrying from shame and guilt. As I meditated on that, now He is pointing me towards embracing my journey. Now that I think about, I’m not sure if I asked God to reveal what journey I’m on. The only thing I know is meditating on His word and listening to it as much as possible was transforming me, is transforming me.
Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. -Romans 12:2
It wasn’t until this morning that I realized the season that God has me in; forgiveness. People have been coming into my life that I thought I would never see again. Even though, people are also disappearing from my life just as fast.
I recently had a conversation with my father whom I sore I would never talk to him again. I thought the conversation was going to lead me down a dark place, but it didn’t. We were able to be open and honest with each other, thus prompting healing to begin. I never hated my father. I just pretended he didn’t exist. Now I see that is a very unhealthy way to live. Somehow, after having a conversation with him, I feel lighter and now I get to practice creating healthy boundaries with someone that I have a lot of history with. I am able to live in the gray of our relationship instead of living in the black and white with expectations. I will be able to say, “yes, I’m mad at you, but I’ll talk to you tomorrow” versus “yes, I’m mad at you and I never want to see to you again” every time there is conflict.
Slow and steady wins the race. We are all on our personal journey, whether if you believe in God or not. We live our lives like the hare by allowing ourselves to become distracted. We are all here to do something more with our lives, rather than filling the pockets of Netflix and Hulu execs by streaming shows and movies a million times a month. We could spend that time investing in ourselves, not allowing major distractions to detour us from answering the major question in life: why are we here? The desires of your heart are there for a reason. If there is something you’ve been thinking about doing and you cant stop thinking about it, then I think that is a great indication that you are meant to do that. Whether you succeed or fail, at least you wont be stuck with a “what if”.
Jesus said, “You can ask for anything in my name, and I will do it, so that the Son can bring glory to the Father. Yes, ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it!” -John 14:13-14
I asked for Him to meet me where I was, instead of expecting me to meet Him where He is, and He did just that. I asked Him to save me from myself, invading thoughts of hopelessness and negetivity. He did just that. I asked Him to help me get to where He wants me to be, that I can do so with a healthy mind and heart. And He’s doing just that. I want to be clear, I don’t want to make it seem that God is a genie in a bottle. He grants us our prayers because He loves us. He wants better for me. I was in a place undesearving of a princess of the Almighty God the Father. He wants different for us, but He also has to make sure we want it for ourselves. Thus, allowing us to get to a point where we’ve hit rock bottom and we need no one but Him. Allowing Him to do what He always promises to do, take care of me.
He has taken care of me by sending people in my life who genuinely love me. People who are sitting at the sidelines during my race, cheering me on, no matter how slow I am going. I’ve been blessed with people who will tell me the truth versus going along with every bad decision I want to make.
So now, I am the tortoise. I will embrace this season of forgiveness while moving at a pace that is healthy for me. I thank God that He wants to see me free from a unforgiving heart. I’m grateful that I am that important enough and loved enough. If He loves me this much, then be encouraged that He loves you all the same.
Thank you for reading my thought. Please remember to pray for one another.
Ashley, Healing with Harotian