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Right now, my life is in a wonderful place, but the season of struggle has made itself known on my doorstep. We all face seasons of struggle. This is the time to grow into something better; something greater and stronger. One mantra I live by is anything worth having will require a fight to obtain. If good things come easy, everyone would be exactly where they want to be in life. Only if it were that simple.

Currently, this season is showing me how far I’ve come. The old me would only be able to concentrate on the struggle, thus creating a snowball effect of depression and self-loathing. But the new me, the seasoned me, can only see the progress I’ve made and it is giving me the courage to continue to fight, to not give in to the desire to return back to an unhealthy coping mechanism.

Right now, I am suffering from a broken heart. I used to think that the reasons mattered. I would try to treat the symptoms of the broken heart versus treating the broken heart itself. Right now, I am learning to mend my broken heart. In order to mend a broken heart, I have to take it to the only person who knows how to heal such things, Jesus. He knows what it’s like to experience such pain and continue to genuinely love through it. This is the only course of action to accomplish my goal. My goal is to live in love and forgiveness and not discontentment and bitterness, thus these are the consequences of not mending a broken heart.

If you are living with a broken heart, please take these words to heart, “feelings are the ultimate liars“. While dealing with a broken heart, feelings will betray you every time. Lean into your faith, whatever that may be. The faithfulness of God continues to remind me that He is my Healer.

I must admit, I was beginning to give in to the pressure. But then I was reminded of WHO I AM and WHOSE I AM. I belong to the Creator of all living things. I am virtuous, kind, and loving. I am strong and courageous with the power of a loving God and 10k angels to back me up. I remind myself every day, every hour, every minute, every second of these glorious things. I remind myself that this too shall pass and I will be even better for it.

Thank you for reading my thoughts this morning. Have a wonderful day and please remember to pray for one another.

I am so thankful for where I am in life right. I’m even more thankful that I can recognize that I have been blessed more than I could have ever asked for or imagined. (Ephesians 3:20)

This time last year, I was living in a small three-bedroom apartment that was infested with memories of the destruction that lead to my divorce. It seemed like no matter what I did, a bad spirit lingered throughout each room. Now, God blessed the kids and me with a much larger home, a large enough space to make new memories, and a new space to heal. Here, everything is new. There aren’t holes in the wall that force me to relive who put them there. Yet, I am surrounded by bright colors, large windows supplied with natural sunlight, and most important the presence of Jesus.

“I tell you the truth, anyone who believes in me will do the same works I have done, and even greater works, because I am going to be with the Father. You can ask for anything in my name, and I will do it, so that the Son can bring glory to the Father. Yes, ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it! -John 14:12-14

Living with a mood disorder is difficult for not only the person but the friends and family of said person. I fully understand that if I want to have a good relationship with my loved ones, I have to get this mood disorder under control and I cannot do that without divine intervention. There have been moments where I thought this disorder was going to kill me. There were other moments where I felt this disorder would keep me in a slumpy funk for the rest of my life, but now that has all changed.

I see the blessings clearer now. I am beginning to see more of my worth now. I am beginning to see the past in the rearview mirror and have hope for what lies ahead.

Our Father not only answered my prayers, but He went above and beyond to prove to me I AM NOT ALONE and I AM WORTHY OF HAPPINESS AND PEACE.

When we know simple truths about ourselves, it helps disarms the enemy from ever using it against us again. It won’t be easy and I know I will be tested, but I feel like if I continue to do what I’ve been doing, then it will continue to work out for my good.

Genesis 50:20 “You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people.”

Amen! I don’t know if I’m saving lives, but I do know that sharing the good news is a part of my life purpose. And I can do so through my blog. I’ve started two other blogs before this one. I wasn’t very consistent on the other blogs because I didn’t have a purpose to write. I would just write any and everything that came to mind. Yet, from the first day I created Healing with Harotian (previously called Harotioan Essentials), I knew I wanted to help people by sharing my struggle and the ways God has brought me out of it. I went into this asking God to be my partner in the creation and content of Healing with Harotian. And all He required of me was to give in to the desire to write, share my heart and mind with fear of judgment or condemnation, and in return, clarity, peace, and self-love, among many other blessings.

“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become like his Son, so that his Son would be the firstborn among many other brothers and sisters.” -Romans 8:28-29

I believe this verse is talking about everyone. Everyone can show God’s love by being a blessing to other people. One of the reasons why I stayed in a dangerous relationship was because I honestly thought life wouldn’t be better than what I currently had. I had no idea that one day I would be surrounded with everything I have today; great friends, unity, forgiveness in my family, and good health.

I say all this to say, if you’re in the dark, keep going, keep believing, keep praying. HE HEARS YOU! He will answer you. He will guide you. He will never leave you. If you feel alone, it is a trick from the enemy. The best advice given to me a long time ago when it came to prayer was, “talk to Jesus like he’s the homegirl”. Knowing that I can have casual prayer with Jesus took a lot of pressure off of me. Thus, going to him when I’m in need felt lighter and easier. The Holy Spirit will teach us how to pray by guiding us to the truth. (John 16:13)

Thank you for reading my thoughts today. Please remember to pray for one another.

Ashley, Healing with Harotian

As I’m sitting on the edge of my bed, tears streaming down my face, all I can think about as my husband is telling me he wants a divorce is,  “why me?”. “What did I do to deserve this? God, where are You in this?”. I begged my husband not to leave. I begged and pleaded for him not to leave our family. I promised him, whatever I did, I would fix it. But it was going through one ear and out of the other. I felt abandoned. I felt embarrassed, but most of all, I felt ashamed. “What kind of person has two failed marriages before the age of 35”, I would ask myself. “What are my kids going to think of me? What will my family think of me? I’ll never find someone who loves me as much as my husband loved me. I must do everything I can to get back”, I would cry out. For months, I blamed myself. Two major questions I would ask God, “why me?” and “how can I fix this?”. I went to marriage counseling. I read what seemed like every book on marriage I could find. I allowed him to use me, placing me in compromising positions for his own benefit. My husband fooled me into thinking the breakup was my fault and there was still time to make him come home, I just needed to continue to preform my wifely duties, all while living his life as if he were single. The more time that went on, the more ashamed I felt. I was doing things for him that made me really uncomfortable, sometimes it would even be illegal. The last thing that shame would allow me to do is look beyond my own circumstances and see the grace in the situation. 

Prior to my husband leaving, he was physically, emotionally, and spiritually abusive. Every time my husband hurt me, I would cry out to God asking Him to change my husband into the husband that I thought he was suppose to be. I thought God was suppose to do what I asked of Him. I thought no matter what, God was for marriage and that He would do anything to fix it. But shame hid the truth from me. Shame had me convinced that the abuse I was facing at the hands of my husband was well deserved for all of my sins. Shame had me convinced that  I deserved every attack, every verbal beat down, every hateful thing done to me. 

That was almost three years ago. Thank God, he delivered me from such abuse. He taught me that what happened to me was not my fault, nor was it something I deserved. He is teaching me that I no longer have to walk around with a shameful heart. Sometimes I feel that I’m not good enough due to the things I have done. Sometimes, I feel that I will be alone for the rest of my life due to the things I have allowed to happen to me. But everyday, Jesus continues to teach me that that feeling ashamed is not my burden to bear. Shame is not apart of who He wants me to become. He is teaching me that what the enemy intended to harm me, God is going to use it for my benefit. “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” -Genesis 50:20

We aren’t meant to live with shame. Shame is a tactic used by the enemy to keep us trapped, feeling hopeless and defeated.  Our Heavenly Father is not the father of shame. He is the Father of love, glory, and mercy. He cleanses us from our sin and saves us from ourselves. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9

A year after my husband left, I had hope for the future again. He is helping me not feel ashamed or embarrassed. He is given me grace so that I can forgive my husband for the hurt that he has caused my family and I because he, too, is a child of God. So I end with this: “Following Jesus does not end our pain, but it does transform it. Although God never causes our pain or shame, he can use it for our benefit, for his purpose, and to help other people.” -Christine Caine, Unashamed 

Hey Friends,

I’ve been using this automated voice to take over my podcast for a little bit. I hope you don’t. This will only be temporary. So, let’s jump right into it.

A couple of weeks ago, I received a daily Bible reading devotional in the mail. I always plan to use devotionals to help me spend time with Jesus, but it never seems to go that way. I usually find a way or an excuse not to take a few minutes out of my day to talk to my Him. So, when I received a the devotional in the mail, I was determined to sit down and commit to reading and studying for the next 30 days.

Day one was about the story of Jesus and the Samaritan woman. If you are unfamiliar with the story, here is a brief synopsis: Jesus had stopped by Jacobs well to rest, when a Samaritian woman came to gather water for her family. Back then, it was unheard of for Jewish men (Jesus) to associate themselves with someone like the Samaritan woman. She was married five times and was then living with her boyfriend at the time she met Jesus, which was also very taboo.

“Soon a Samaritan woman came to draw water, and Jesus said to her, ‘Please give me a drink.’ v.9 The woman was surprised, for Jews refuse to have anything to do with Samaritans.” -John 4:7, 9

This woman was a recluse of the town because of her lifestyle. She was accused of being a prostitute and was greatly condemned for her immorality. She chose to draw water at the very hottest of the day in order to avoid contact with the other women responsible for drawing water for their families as well.

After I read the devotional, it made me feel like God was saying, “Ashley, rest at the well. Bring all of your worries to My Son, Yahshua.” After that of course, I forgot to pick up the devotional pamphlet to finish the rest out the rest of the month. I wasn’t at all bother because I was sure of my instructions to “rest at the well”. Rest from the stress of the world. Rest from having to be in multiple places at once. Rest from treating self-care like its one more thing I have to check off the “to-do” list.

A couple of weeks later, I’m shopping at my local resale shop. They always have the best books. Anyway, I came across this Bible study called, Journey to the Well by Vashti M. McKenzie. After reading the first couple of chapters, I’ve come to the conclusion that God needed me to see this. I feel that He needed me to see:

“Jesus replied, ‘Anyone who drinks this water will soon become thirsty again. But those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again. It becomes fresh, bubbling spring within the, giving them eternal life.'” -John 4: 13-15

I know when I’m running low because I feel depleted and drained; when I feel I have nothing left to give. I think that’s what Jesus meant when he said “anyone who drinks this water will soon be thirsty again.”

One thing that I have learned during this journey is patience and faith. I have to have faith in order to keep going. Without faith and hope, what is there to hold onto? Many of us are going through our struggles alone for no reason at all. Bottom line: we all need each other, even the broken outcasts.

Jesus transformed the Samaritan womens life. She was ashamed and driven by her fear and her past. Yet, a person who should have nothing to do with her according to society’s standards, transformed her life by giving her hope, which turns in faith, which turns into freedom. It’s easy to become a prisoner of our own desires. For example, I so badly wanted to move on and heal from my husband, I allowed it to control my life. Everything I did was to not feel the pain weighing on my chest every day, but I was neglecting other areas in my life.

Like my brother says, “Ashley, everyone has something going on” and he is absolutely right. And while I’m on this journey of healing, I want to stop to smell and roses. I want to enjoy the scenery. I want to celebrate the good, the bad, and the ugly. And I definitely want to break free from the “woe is me” demon. If you have the same goals, then let’s work together to make that happen.

I would like to share a warriors story of infertility. If you’re kind enough to listen to her story, I ask that you please pray for her and her husband.

“Your (me) post made me reflect on my own muddled feelings about not being pregnant yet. Each month during the two week wait, I tell myself not to get emotionally invested, not to overthink EVERY weird feeling and mistake it for a pregnancy symptom. Not to hope, dream about due dates and outfits and life lessons I can’t wait to share.

In over 15 months now, I’ve been disappointed to the point of heartbreak, so I know NOT to do these things. But I do it anyway, every damn month. And every time I get my period I do into a funk. I feel like Charlie Brown trying to kick the ball Lucy is holding, only to jerk it away. Rinse and repeat one month later. Why do I do this to myself? I’ve heard ALL the messages on trying to reduce stress and take it easy, but that’s something my mind has never been able to get on board with. Like you, I have tried various techniques to try to chill.

It leaches out into the rest of my life. I am now apparently bitter when I hear about women being pregnant. I feel like my life is on pause because it could happen at anytime, and it feels terrible to live in this weird limbo of the unknown.” -Anonymous.

First, I would like to say that I am so proud of this woman for speaking her truth. Fear is running rampant in our hearts and in our homes, that it makes it feel impossible to share ones struggles. Secondly, I would like to tell you that you and your family are in my prayers; the God I serve is more than happy to bless you with way more than you can ever imagine or wish for (Ephesians 3:20). Do not give up hope. Take this time to learn about yourself. Allow this time to connect more with your partner. If not, connect with someone who can be a support for you. But whatever you do, do not become a recluse. Find support.

I love you all and thank you for listening to my thoughts. Please remember to pray for one another.

Hey Friends,

Recently, I’ve lost my voice, literally and figuratively. It’s frustrating and heartbreaking to say the least. Story time: The other day, I lost a friend over personal differences. I can’t help but to wonder if this friendship is just another casual victim to the mental illness that plagues my life every single day. This wouldn’t be the first friend or family member that decided to give up on our friendship or has forced my hand to give up because of the baggage I carry. I don’t blame them. It’s hard to deal with a person walking out their mental illness journey. But, this person was very special to me and I thought I was special to them. That part doesn’t matter. What does matters is how can I find my voice in these situations?

When I find myself in these situations, my broken heart takes over and I lose my voice. I lose the ability to defend myself if there is wrong-doing. I lose the ability to see the situation for what it is and not take it personally. I lose the ability to take the relationship straight to God and rely on His wisdom. I become immobilized. My mind is taken over with thoughts of what I could have done different to either save the relationship or to avoid the pain all together. I lose discernment and common sense. My main focus becomes “making the pain go away”. I become overly sensitive and and defensive. I internalize the negative thoughts and feelings I have about myself and feel as though everyone else feels that same way. I spend hours, sometimes days, trying to dig myself out of this pity pit I seem to get myself into. My mind understands that this is not reality, but my heart and my body aren’t on the same page; which then, takes over my mind. I become useless, then ultimately selfish. I think of no one but myself. I function only to “feel better” as much as I can. Heartaches destroys me. I don’t think this is a normal human function. Hearts get broken everyday. Why does it seem that mines can’t handle everyday mischief? Why am I a professional track star when it comes to heartbreak?

I would rather die than continue to live life this way. I’ve tried everything; psychiatry, therapy, God. No matter what I do, I continue to find myself in a prison of suicidal thoughts and selfish coping mechanisms. It’s normal for people to think that this is all an act, or the fact I can help feeling this way. For me, this is furthest from the truth. If I would a trillion dollars, I would give up every last penny to not feel heartache for just one moment. No feelings of guilt or shame. No feelings of despair and hopelessness. FOR. ONE. MOMENT.

Thank you for listening and reading my thoughts. I know it’s not the cushy, motivational content but today I just do not have the strength. Love you all. Please remember to pray for one another.

With Love, Ashley

Listen to the most recent episode of my podcast: ‼️BEWARE‼️ 7 Early Signs of A Toxic Relationship https://anchor.fm/healingwithharotian/episodes/BEWARE-7-Early-Signs-of-A-Toxic-Relationship-e154482

Listen to the most recent episode of my podcast: **TRIGGER WARNING** ⚠️ Sexual Assault During Narcissistic Relationship https://anchor.fm/healingwithharotian/episodes/TRIGGER-WARNING–Sexual-Assault-During-Narcissistic-Relationship-e14s51n

So, you’ve left or they have left you. Now what? It is completely normal to feel that your life has been snatched for you. It’s normal to feel like you want to go back to the relationship, even after the last blowup that may have caused the separation. It is normal to suddenly get abuse amnesia and want to forget the bad stuff and look forward to the honeymoon phase, which is your abuser convincing you to come back by promising to do better and gift giving. 

No worries because you literally cannot help it. When we find ourselves in a cycle of narcissistic abuse, there are number of things that happens in our brains. It’s normal to feel like you aren’t able to make decisions or not being able to concentrate on anything longer than a couple of minutes. Our brains are responding to the trauma that you’ve endured and is trying to make sense of it. Your brain thinks your narcissist is a “drug” and now you are “detoxing”, due to the dopamine levels increasing during the honeymoon phase and decreasing during the separation phase.

The very first thing you need to do is reach out for support. Begin building a foundation of supporters that you can depend on. These people will help you find stability in this unstable moment in your life. For me, I first began repairing my relationship with God. During my relationship, I tried everything but God to help me get through what I was going through. I was skeptical about “God” because I believed the world when they told me, I could get through this myself. You may not believe in God right now. And that’s ok because it doesn’t mean that He has stopped working on your behalf. As Alcoholics Anonymous says, right now, choose a god of your own understanding. Some people choose to the Universe, others may choose Mother Nature, etc. And I’ll continue to pray that my God of Love, Compassion, and Understanding is reintroduced into your life.

the Bible says to: “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” – Deuteronomy 31: 6

God also says that “The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8

Right after my husband left, I was so mad at God! I didn’t want to believe in Him anymore. I wanted to give up on everything good I was taught about the Creator of the Universe. Shamefully, I would even curse and yell at Him. I blamed Him for what I was going through. Until, I learned it wasn’t His fault. During my healing and recovery, I realized the numerous signs Gos was showing me from the moment I met my husband up until now. He tried to save me. He tried to warn me, but I didn’t listen. I wanted to do my own thing.

#2 – If you can, you have to stop all communication with this person. If you have ties with this person, such as business or children, its important to act like a gray rock; bland, uninterested to what they have to say or what they have going on. I was told for a year and a half to do this and I didnt listen. I thought my circumstance was different. But, it ended up with me having to get an order of protection against my husband due to continued physical abuse after the separation.
#2a If you are currently in a situation where you are unable to escape right now, I would encourage you begin planning for an escape. Reach out to an abuse hotline to get information to your nearest women’s s shelter. Here is my town of St. Louis, we have a organization https://alivestl.org or 800.941.9144. Put together an emergency to go bag, which will include: important documents, a change of clothes, important phone numbers and people. Hid it in a place where they are unable to find it. So, if the next time they become violent, you can grab your bag and go. If you have children, do the same for them as well.

#3 Get couneling. Imagine this: the narcissist has been driving your car (you) for so long; abusing it by not keeping up with the maintenance, making sure it stays nice and clean, and making sure it stays in the condition that it was given to them or even including a few upgrades along the way. Now that you have your car back, its your turn to take the steps to get your car repaired. You were able to get it away from the narcissist before they completely killed it. Some of us that made it out are extremely blessed. There are many of us who do not survive; either we kill ourselves from the heartbreak and mind games or we become extremely mentally and physically ill, stuck in a prison of our own minds and bodies. 

My first year of liberation, it was so hard. There were so many days and nights I truly thought I wasnt going to makee it. I spent so much time, worrying about him and what he was doing. I spent so much time blaming myself for the toxicity that I allowed into the lives of my children. I spent so much time hating myself and sometimes God, trying to figure out what I did wrong and what I can do right so my husband could come home. As I stated in the last episode one, I was extremely confused because I didnt know why I wanted the abuse back. One time I even remember saying, “being with you hurts less than being without you”. How morbid is that? But then, my support system kept encouraging me, feeding me the truth because I clearly was still living in denial and not in my right mind. 

The truth is: it is NOT our fault, even if we stayed. Know that you did the best you could with what you had and how you felt at the time. Be kind to yourself. Work on forgiving yourself first, then the rest will follow with the guidance of the Holy Spirit. Without Gods guidance, unfortuantely we are more prone to believing the lies and staying the situation. Also, have patience with yourself. Research states that it takes a person seven times to leave before they never look back. You may be on #1, #7, or #15. I encourage you never stop trying. Do not settle. You deserve so much more, whether you believe that or not. I’ve struggled with knowing what I deserve and what I dont. I just was recently in a situation where someone did something that made me uncomfortable and I had to question if this person valued my worth or not. I had to ask multiple people to get their perspective: I reached out to my spiritual mentor, and I even googled it. And amazingly, all of them said the same thing, which was “yes, girl! That was a complete violation and you need to run…RUN!” 

Right now, you are in a vulnerable place. Right now, while we are wounded, other narcissistic people can smell our suffering and they love it. You may have people coming to you saying they want to help you heal, and may even do things that show they “care”. Now is the time to heal. Now is the time to connect to people who can help you and be compltely honest with you. Not someone who is going to place you in the same predicament as your previous relationship.

If you have any questions, please do not feel hesitant to reach out to me. We can talk, we can cry, we can pray, or I can simply send you more information.

Thank you all so much for being apart of this journey with me. I love each any everyone one of you. Please remember to pray for one another!

Hey Friends,

Its official like a whistle! Im a podcaster. This is my very first episode and its raw, honest, and scary.

Please click the link below to take a listen! Please comment whatever is on your mind.

Thank you in advance for listening and reading. And too my long time followers, ya’ll the real MVP’s!

Listen to the most recent episode of my podcast: Beware of Narcissistic Abuse: My Raw Personal Experience https://anchor.fm/healingwithharotian/episodes/Beware-of-Narcissistic-Abuse-My-Raw-Personal-Experience-e138n33

Hello Friends,

So, I have decided to test the podcasting waters. I have recorded a very rough cut of a subject that was on my mind one day; what is the true meaning of intimacy and how do we obtain it for ourselves without further damaging our lives and the lives of others? I don’t think my episode answers those questions in depth, but I do think it will start a conversation that would hopefully lead to healing and understanding.

Thank you in advance for your support and prayers. Remember, now more than ever, please remember to pray for one another and God bless each and everyone of you.

Until next time….