God – Page 10 – Healing with Harotian

journey

Turning 30 has given me a different perspective on life. The amount of awareness that I’ve experienced has been a little overwhelming. A small example; I used to be one of those people who hated the idea of having insurance. Any kind of insurance; car insurance, renters insurance, medical insurance. I thought, why pay for something that might NOT happen to you. Then I turned 30. Now the idea of insurance is a necessity, something I refuse to live without. I remember last month our car insurance lapsed for 30 hours and I was in a panic. All I could think about was how it would just be my luck that I would get into a car accident on the ONE day I didn’t have insurance. I blame this fear on life experience (being in an accident without car insurance and dealing with that hell) and turning 30.

There are a lot of other things that I was used to doing and saying, that now hold a different meaning, a different value. Take love for instance. I thought love was kissing someone and being filled with unexplainable emotion (lust). I thought love was “feeling” like you would do anything for that person, no matter the circumstance. I honestly thought that wedding vow was just something romantic to say to get people teary-eyed and “awwww” mode. When in fact, it is a warning. It is a warning that life is going to get hard, really hard. And the person standing in front of you is supposed to be there no matter what. They even ask you if you’re sure if you can keep the commitment. Honestly, my first marriage, I didn’t understand that. When people told my ex-husband and I that we should wait to get married, I didn’t see why. I was forced to grow up quicker than the average kid. So, I thought I had everything figured out. I thought if I knew what I wanted and did everything to accomplish it, then my life would be great, right? Wrong! Double wrong! Triple wrong! Life is a journey, it develops in stages. Just because I was more “mature” than the average 21-year-old, I definitely didn’t know about marriage. My life’s journey hadn’t come to the part where it taught me how to love my husband and conquer life’s challenges. Eventually, getting through my 20’s and a shit load of mistakes, I now know what it takes. I know what love truly is and I know what it isn’t.

I love my husband. I love my mother. Both are two very different people that I’ve had to learn to love despite who they are without judgment. We say we want unconditional love until you find out he/she has the ability to hurt you like no other person walking this earth. Or that the person you love has some weird fetus that you knew nothing about. (Not me, of course, just saying 🙂 )

I like to read comments on Instagram about celebrities breaking up for whatever reason. It’s funny to read what others think about love and marriage. You see comments like, “I would never put up with that.” or “He/she wouldn’t be able to treat me like that” or my favorite “I would leave if he/she ever did that.” If you love someone unconditionally and they show you a side of themselves that you didn’t know anything about (I’m talking something like a porn addiction, not spousal abuse) and you leave them without helping them through it, then why did you marry them? Why did you repeat those vows to your partner? Now I know that love is waking up next to the same person every day, not wanting to kill them. It’s waking up next to them being just as committed to them as you were on your first date, hell, even your wedding day. It’s learning something new about them every day and love them despite how it may annoy you, hurt you, or disappoint you. Love is working through the tough crap, the really tough crap! The “I don’t know if I can do this anymore” crap and loving them despite. Love is accepting any change that life throws your way and working through it together; mad, sad, whatever. You do it together, for the sake of your love, your marriage, and your family. It’s realizing that your relationship is bigger than what you want or need. It’s about someone else’s needs. My husband and I have been through a lot, but I would trade it in for anything in the world. Our trials were hard, but they taught us how to love each other so much more and appreciate each other so much more. So when we say “I love you”, it’s not just something we say out of habit. We’re really saying, “Thank you for sticking around and appreciating me. Thank you for loving me despite my flaws and secrets.” We know the worst parts of each other and that is what makes our love so strong. We know that whatever we face from here on out, we got this, cause we’ve been through worse.

Life is a journey. You can’t rush it, you can’t force it. No matter what you think you know, trust me, you don’t know the half of it. We may plan our journey, but God may have other plans. When He throws your plan out of the window and set His in place, it would be in your best interest to follow it. I thought my marriage to my ex-husband was a good idea, not knowing my current husband is what God wanted for me and I’m so grateful that His plan was way better than mine.

I now see insurance as something to have WHEN an event happens, not IF it’s going to happen. Life is one tricky bitch. The moment you think you have her all figured out, BAM! a curveball smacks in the face. Plus, life doesn’t discriminate. No matter who you are, life will happen! I never understood that until recently. I can admit to that. It makes it easier to not look at life’s challenges like something is happening to you when in fact, who isn’t it happening to? Everybody I know, right now, is going through something life-altering, but trust your journey, grow from your journey. You will notice your perspective has changed and that have you made progress, no matter how small you may think it is.

“You’ll learn, as you get older, that rules are made to be broken. Be bold enough to live life on your terms, and never, ever apologize for it. Go against the grain, refuse to conform, take the road less traveled instead of the well-beaten path. Laugh in the face of adversity, and leap before you look. Dance as though EVERYBODY is watching. March to the beat of your own drummer. And stubbornly refuse to fit in.” -Mandy Hale

9197-cloudy-sunset

Live for Today. Choose life. The mantra that I repeat to myself everyday, every hour, and sometimes every second. Chronic illness will try to trick you into thinking that your life is over after diagnosis. We aren’t the same people that we once were. We aren’t able to do the same things that we once did. It can be devastating, if you let it.

Two simple words with so much meaning. Choose Life. I feel as though God has given me sign after sign to stand still. I’m so used to moving and grooving. I was on a fast track to finally becoming financially stable. I had just finished school and after 10 long years, received a college degree. I was working at my dream job as a registered medical assistant at a prestigious hospital, and I loved the day-to-day interactions that I had with my patients. I really felt like I was making a difference. But then, I became ill. After going through the “woe is me”, “my life sucks” phase, I began to notice that God is trying to tell me to be still during this storm.

“Each time he said, ‘My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.’ So now I am glad to boast about my weakness, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (NLT) (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)

Now when I think about my battle with Lupus and Fibromyalgia , my perspective has completely changed. After reading His word, I was reminded that God will break you to position you, to put you in the right place, and to promote you. Lucky for us, He is a just God and a loving God, so when he breaks you, it will not hurt you or destroy you because He is also a graceful God. Trust the process that God has set before you. We may not always know why things are happening to us, but honestly, it’s not for us to know. When God wants it revealed, it will be revealed. Until then, trust the process.

Trusting His process is hard, at least it was for me. But then, after nine long days of going through a lupus flare I noticed something different about my husband. It’s not that he did anything different, it’s just God changed my perspective. When I’m in pain, everything that he does is annoying. Everything he says I take offensive and sometimes everything he does is wrong. Well, at least that’s how I felt when my mind is so engulfed in my own pain, that I am unable to see how blessed I really am. Until today. Today, my husband woke up, got our three children feed, clothed and ready for school and then went to school himself. Immediately afterwards, grabbed lunch for me, then went to his first day at his new job, only to come home, cook dinner, feed the kids, entertain them!, put them to bed, and still have the energy to give me a deep-muscle massage to relieve my body ache.

I immediately asked my husband to forgive me. He has been a ROCK throughout this entire process and I’ve taken him for granted. He effortlessly makes me laugh and smile everyday so I wont think about the pain. He tries so hard to make me happy, even when I’m working his last nerves. And most importantly, he is an amazing father to our kids; helping them understand and cope with what mommy is going through. Thank you Jesus for sending me this man! He is proof that You have not forsaken me, nor forgotten about me. You’ve sent the perfect person to stand with me and push me to beat this.

God has placed the tools that I need in my life to get through what I used to call a tragedy. I would be lying if I said wonderful things haven’t blossomed during my illness; I’ve grown closer to my husband, kids, and family members. I’m able to be more attentive to my families needs and wants. I’ve even been able to build a stronger relationship with Jesus Christ.

Remember, trust the process. Trust Him. Thank you to EVERYONE who has prayed for me, helped me, blessed me, and has been supportive of me. I love you more than I can express.

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6

Tag: God

Learning Life’s Journey

Trust The Process: What Choosing Life Looks Like