Most people know of the story of David and Goliath. A biblical story, starring a young Shepard boy named David, who believed that with Gods help, the Israelites would defeat the Philistines, whom had a fierce giant fighting for them by the name Goliath. The Israelite army did not believe that Goliath could be defeated. But David did. A small boy with no military experience defeated Goliath with three things: a rock, a sling shot, and faith. All three defeated Goliath. At the end of the story, it was the Philistines that ran away in defeat because Goliath was their only plan they had to defeat the Israelite army. (1 Samuel 17)
Mental illness is my Goliath. For so long, I’ve been living like the Israelite Army; living in defeat. Thinking that there was no way out. Thinking that Goliath has defeated me and I have no where to run, becoming still in one place because Goliath wont let me move forward or move backgrounds. I’m not sure why I thought it has to be one way or the other. Before now, I never considered that there was a third option; trusting in God with what He has armed me with and leaving the results to Him.
My biggest problem is, I look around me, comparing my journey to the journey of others. I compare what they have been armed with versus what I’ve been armed with. I would complain about how small and insignificant my weapons were, screaming that it wasn’t enough to get me out of the hell I was living in. And no matter how many times God saved me when he turned nothing into something, I would still overlook the obvious; faith and trust in Gods plan.
My scripture for this month is:
“And I am certain that God who began the good work within you will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” -Philippians 1:6
This month, this scripture is important to me because no matter how hard things get, I have to remember that God will never forget about me and the work that he is doing in me is good. I know that I am meant to be apart of something large in Gods kingdom, we are all. I have to remember that I have to be David. I have to face my Goliath full on with what God has armed me with and faith in Gods plan.
I have plans. I have dreams. And a lot of times I allow Goliath to stomp all over them. But not anymore. Recently, I have learned something that changes my whole perspective on this fight called mental illness.
“You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it.” -Margaret Thatcher
Thank you for reading my thoughts. Please remember to pray for one another.
Welcome back to 150 days of Psalms Challenge. Friends, today was a challenge. I have so many blessings coming my way right now, but I’m also battling my own demons. It’s confusing to be honest. My blessings are coming at a time that I feel undeserving because I find myself summoning to the desires of my demons. I have to remind myself that this is not my fight, but sometimes the weight of the world becomes too must be bear. Either way, I wanted to get that off of my chest. That’s my “whoa is me” moment for the post.
My sponsor says I have to work on being consistent and forth coming with my truth. Unfortunately, that’s the one thing that I suck at the most; consistency! I say that to say, I apologize if any of you have been waiting for a chapter five post, but I also believe that everything happens in Gods timing, so hopefully this comes right on time for someone. It did for me.
1 O Lord, hear me as I pray; pay attention to my groaning. 2 Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for I pray to no one but you. 3 Listen to my voice in the morning, Lord. Each morning I bring my requests to you and wait expectantly.
4 O God, you take no pleasure in wickedness; you cannot tolerate the sins of the wicked. 5 Therefore, the proud may not stand in your presence, for you hate all who do evil. 6 You will destroy those who tell lies. The Lord detests murderers and deceivers.
7 Because of your unfailing love, I can enter your house; I will worship at your Temple with deepest awe. 8 Lead me in the right path, O Lord, or my enemies will conquer me. Make your way plain for me to follow.
9 My enemies cannot speak a truthful word. Their deepest desire is to destroy others. Their talk is foul, like the stench from an open grave. Their tongues are filled with flattery.[a] 10 O God, declare them guilty. Let them be caught in their own traps. Drive them away because of their many sins, for they have rebelled against you.
11 But let all who take refuge in you rejoice; let them sing joyful praises forever. Spread your protection over them, that all who love your name may be filled with joy. 12 For you bless the godly, O Lord; you surround them with your shield of love.
When I first read this chapter, my first thoughts were, “Oh no, God is mad at me because I do wicked things and I lie and deceive! There is no way God can forgive me for what I’ve done.” But then the Holy Spirit lead me back to the first three verses:
1 O Lord, hear me as I pray;
pay attention to my groaning.
2 Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God,
for I pray to no one but you.
3 Listen to my voice in the morning, Lord.
Each morning I bring my requests to you and wait expectantly.
The words that stand out to me are “hear me, pay attention, listen, I pray, cry for help, listen to my voice, wait expectantly”. I am the daughter of the Most High. I can cry for helpand He will hear me and listen to my voice as I pray. Since the beginning of Psalm, the author has been asking God to destroy his enemies. The author isn’t God enemy. You’re not God enemy. I am not God enemy. The evil forces working against Gods Kingdom and anyone crazy enough to go along with the plan is the enemy. At once, I too was crazy enough to go along with the plan to be Gods enemy, but thank you Jesus that He loved me too much to allow me to stay His enemy.
In the chapter, I believe the author is definitely warning us against the type of people not to hang around and most importantly what behaviors to watch in ourselves. I love how much of Gods love radiates from the Authors words. I feel safe after meditating on this chapter. The Author says a beautiful prayer for Gods people in the last two verses. How amazing is that? The person speaking is really going through it with this enemies and he is still remembers to pray for us!
Thank you all for sharing my thoughts tonight. I would love to hear your thoughts on the Psalm 5. What is God saying to you? What did you get out of it? I love you all and please don’t forget to pray for one another.
I hope your day was just enjoyable as mine. Here in “confused St. Louis”, it was actually a really nice day. The sun was shining high in the bright blue sky and the unknown future seems doable every day. Although I am in day four of this challenge, I already feel a difference in my thought process. If there is one thing I have learned about this journey called life is that perception of our circumstances determines how we deal and feel about our circumstances. And when we keep my eyes focused on God, we are able to fall into His will and not our own, we are able to be of service to those around us and our loved ones, and we are able to have fun with the days that are gifted to us; knowing that we have a wonderful Heavenly Father and super cool Brother, Jesus who are strapped and prepared to take on my stress. So let’s get with it.
1 Answer me when I call to you, O God who declares me innocent. Free me from my troubles. Have mercy on me and hear my prayer.
2 How long will you people ruin my reputation? How long will you make groundless accusations? How long will you continue your lies? Interlude 3 You can be sure of this: The Lord set apart the godly for himself. The Lord will answer when I call to him.
4 Don’t sin by letting anger control you. Think about it overnight and remain silent. Interlude 5 Offer sacrifices in the right spirit, and trust the Lord.
6 Many people say, “Who will show us better times?” Let your face smile on us, Lord. 7 You have given me greater joy than those who have abundant harvests of grain and new wine. 8 In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, O Lord, will keep me safe.
Again, what a great chapter. The author reminds me a lot of myself. It seems, and I could be mistaken, that the author cares a lot about what people are saying about them (v. 2) when they are not around. I struggle with the same problem. When it comes to strangers, I can care less, but when it comes down to people I care about, I care about their perception of me, but the Lord says that His opinion of me is the only one that matters.
Galatians 1:10, NLT: “Obviously, I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.”
So I love how the authors continues to immediately go into praising God for all He has done. The author is also putting his complete faith into the power of God by trusting the promises that God has made us. That type of father is absolutely wonderful. They type of faith where we are staying in the face of adversity and still believe and trust in the power of God. Amen!
For me, this chapter is a reminder to keep pushing and persevering no matter what people have to say. I am on this journey because God has me on this journey. It is not for anyone to understand, judge, or scale, especially comparing myself to other around me. Thank you God for Your Word. Your power and love is incomprehensible and I’m proud to be the Princess of the Most High King. I thank You, I love You. Amen.
Thank you all for hearing my thoughts today. Please tune in tomorrow for Day 5 of 150 Days of Psalm Challenge. Love you all and please do not forget to pray for one another.
Thank you for joining me on day 3 of the 150 days of Psalms Challenge. Technically, today is day four but yesterday was so busy, I actually forgot about it, so here we are. What matters is that we are here reading Gods Word together. If you are just now joining us, last week I encouraged my readers to read a chapter of Psalm a day and comment below on what God has revealed to us. If you have any questions or would like to message me privately, you can do so at firstname.lastname@example.org. Let’s dive in.
1 O Lord, I have so many enemies; so many are against me. 2 So many are saying, “God will never rescue him!” Interlude[a]
3 But you, O Lord, are a shield around me; you are my glory, the one who holds my head high. 4 I cried out to the Lord, and he answered me from his holy mountain. Interlude
5 I lay down and slept, yet I woke up in safety, for the Lord was watching over me. 6 I am not afraid of ten thousand enemies who surround me on every side.
7 Arise, O Lord! Rescue me, my God! Slap all my enemies in the face! Shatter the teeth of the wicked! 8 Victory comes from you, O Lord. May you bless your people.
Thank you, Father for such a wonderful chapter. This chapter came right on time for me. I love how the author David, at the beginning is asking why are people against him (v. 1) but he goes on praise God for what He has done and what He is going to do. David’s faith in Gods protection and promises is inspiring.
When we praise God in the midst of our struggles, we take the focus off of ourselves and onto God where it belongs. When we do that, we feel peace in the middle of the storm. We are also able to see, understand, and receive all of the blessings that God has in store for us.
I also love how David was like, “and God, slap them so hard you knock teeth from their grill!” 😂 Definitely sounds like one of my prayers.
Thank you Father God for keeping every last one of your promises. Thank you for protecting us against the seen and the unseen. Thank you Father for being willing to slap a few people on my behalf so that I won’t have to. Thank you Jesus for your unconditional love, mercy, and grace. I I pray that You continue to bless everyone in need of all of You. I praise you and lift your name of high. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.
Thank you friends for reading my thoughts. Please comment below your thoughts on todays chapter. I love you all and please remember to pray for one another.
Welcome back to our 150 days of Psalm challenge. To be honest, it was difficult sitting down today. My mind began to plan all of the other things that I needed to get done, but I found my way here with my Bible in hand. So let’s get to it.
1 Why do the nations conspire[a] and the peoples plot in vain? 2 The kings of the earth rise up and the rulers band together against the Lord and against his anointed, saying, 3 “Let us break their chains and throw off their shackles.”
4 The One enthroned in heaven laughs; the Lord scoffs at them. 5 He rebukes them in his anger and terrifies them in his wrath, saying, 6 “I have installed my king on Zion, my holy mountain.”
7 I will proclaim the Lord’s decree:
He said to me, “You are my son; today I have become your father. 8 Ask me, and I will make the nations your inheritance, the ends of the earth your possession. 9 You will break them with a rod of iron[b]; you will dash them to pieces like pottery.”
10 Therefore, you kings, be wise; be warned, you rulers of the earth. 11 Serve the Lord with fear and celebrate his rule with trembling. 12 Kiss his son, or he will be angry and your way will lead to your destruction, for his wrath can flare up in a moment. Blessed are all who take refuge in him.
I love this chapter. Sometimes I feel that my problems are too big for God, but this chapter clearly states that God is bigger than any circumstance, any foe. I love how the author explains how fierce God comes to our defense when someone or something is threatening us. The Lord also graces us with His love and blessings while punishing the people or circumstance that is trying to destroy us.
Just like He stated in chapter one, anything we ask for, it will be given to us freely (v. 7-9). How wonderful is it that God fights our battles and He promises that we will find peace and blessings with Him? All we have to do is trust so we can see and be prepared for the blessings coming our way. God thank you for your guidance, grace, love, and strength. When we are weak, You are strong Father and we thank You for that. No problem, no illness, no virus, no circumstance is too big for you Father. Thank you Father God for such a wonderful gift.
Thank you all for reading my thoughts today. Please let me know what the Holy Spirit said to you while reading the chapter. I’m definitely interested to know.
Also, my plan is about to expire. I have started a GoFundMe account to renew my plan and keep my domain. If God puts it on your heart to donate, here is the link:
I love you all and please don’t forget to pray for one another.
Today is a glorious day. God woke me up this morning and gave me the grace and courage to blog today. I have been facing writers block. Mainly because I was distracting myself with the ways and stress of the world and not ways of the Word. I can blame mental illness, I can blame stress, or I can blame my circumstances. When the cold hard fact is my behavior lately has been very unbecoming of a princess of the Most High King, but thank you Jesus that we have a Heavenly Father that not only forgives, but shows grace, patience, and understanding while doing it. My mistakes are just that, mistakes. And my past is where it’s suppose to be, in the past…even if it was just a day or two ago. Nonetheless, today is a new day, day one. Day one for better choices. Day one for growing closer to God. Day one to become the woman I’m supposed to be.
Late last night, as I was meditating, God gave me an idea on what to do about our relationship and my writers block. For the next 150 days, I will read and blog about Psalm. It’s called 150 days of Psalms Challenge. I truly believe that the peace and clarity that I seek will be provided in these scriptures. I also believe that my soul will be restored with nothing but the Living Water and not the tainted water of my own personal desires. So, my posts will be short and sweet (let’s be honest, I am known to ramble so I can’t promise anything). I will let you guys knows what Psalm I read and talk about what in the scripture stood out to me and anything else God brings to mind for me to talk about. I’m excited about this journey and I hope you all will join me.
1 Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked or stand in the way that sinners take or sit in the company of mockers, 2 but whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and who meditates on his law day and night. 3 That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither— whatever they do prospers.
4 Not so the wicked! They are like chaff that the wind blows away. 5 Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment, nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous.
6For the Lord watches over the way of the righteous, but the way of the wicked leads to destruction.
Wow! I would like to say that I did not read the first chapter before I started typing this blog. God, I love how You make your directions so clear for me to follow because whew, Chile! The Lord knows I can be hardheaded. For me, this chapter verifies how I’ve been feeling about my behavior lately. Last week, I spoke to my mentor about it and she said, “Ashleygirl, you bring the company you keep spirits into your home. Even if they do not come into your home.” Today, that makes even more sense then the day she said it.
Also, my takeaway is, if I delight myself in God’s Word, I would become like “trees planted by streams of water – whatever they do propers”. If you’ve ever seen a tree near a stream of water, you will know how tall and strong they are. They are known to face some of the worst weather conditions and still flourish. Why? Because they are rooted deep in a never ending supply of fresh water. Following the ways of the world has gotten me frustrated, angry, careless, reckless, relentless, and so much more; that sounds like chaff (scaly parts of seeds or flowers/finely chopped straw) blowing away in the wind to me (v. 4); unproductive and unpredictable.
In this chapter, to me, God promises that if I immerse myself in His Word, that everything I do according to His Will will prosper. Hmmm…. 🤔 Ok, God, sounds like a deal to me.
Thank you friends for reading my thoughts and spending this time with me. Let’s do this together. I’m excited to see where we are at the end of the 150 days.
The disease of addiction spreads like a wildfire. It destroys everything and everyone in it’s path; leaving nothing but destruction in its wake. It only takes seconds to destroy life long relationships and memories. And if you’re fortunate, and can take years to rebuild. It doesn’t care if you have children, if you’re a small business owner, a wife, a mother, a child. It doesn’t care if you’re rich or poor. It doesn’t care about your social status or achievements. It doesn’t care about you or me.
Addiction is the most selfish lover you would ever have. She will take and take from you, only leaving you scraps of satisfaction in the end. Sooner or later, her appetite grows bigger and stronger. Then one day, you wake up and realize she has completely taken over your life. You look around and your friends and family have all disappeared. You go to the ATM to find you are overdrawn by hundreds. You are in complete shambles. Lost. Shaken. Confused.
We can be addicted to anything. We all know this, right? But how much is it taking over your life? How much time do you spend wanting and thinking about one thing? Have we put ourselves or a loved one in jeporedy to obtain this one thing?
The disease of addiction is a powerful. I have seen it in action with my own eyes. If we pay close attention, we will see the disease spread throughout a small space within minutes. The disease of addiction breeds with hate, depression, anxiety, fear, self-loathing, etc. And whenever you have a small group of people, for instance who are experiencing the above emotions, the disease of addiction grows more intense. The desire of wanting to escape from the hell of mental anguish is beyond words. Even the craziest of ideas will sounds like great one if it means we will have release from what we are currently feeling. We are literally in the fire. And it burns ever single moment of every single day.
So, how can we battle this? The disease of addiction is very present and alive. So, how do we fight against it. Because truth be told, everyone is affected by the disease of addiction; wether you are the user or the loved ones of the user or the people, related or unrelated, who are affected by our poor choices. One way to fight the disease of addiction is stop feeding the fire. The addiction feeds the disease. The more we feed it the more it grows and the hunger it gets. Also, surround ourselves with a community of “firefighters”. We may have lost people due to hurt that has been caused, but nows the time to allow God to introduce us to new people. Everyone comes and leaves our lives when they have served their purpose and vice versa. When God brings new people into our lives, they are there for a reason or season.
The disease of addiction doesn’t have to live long if we don’t let it. We can work hard to cut it off at the head so it no longer continues to grow.
No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.
Fortunately, God loves us through our addictions, our pain, our struggles. God guides us through the process and the journey. The journey to clean living is not an easy one. It requires honesty and dedication to the truth of God and who we are to Him. The enemy will try to get us to believe that addiction is all we need. That the disease of addiction is incurable and it is a prison that we will never be able to escape from.
It’s not true! Its a lie from the pits of hell. We are already forgiven. We are already saved from the prison of addiction. And we have everything we need to walk in the purpose that God has set for our lives. All is required of us is a little faith because the Bible says that only a little faith can move a mountain (Matthew 17:20).
Thank you so much for reading my thoughts today. I appreciate and love every single one of you. Please remember to pray for one another and a little faith is all you need.
It was like any other day, secretely, unknowingly, holding on to hope that a person is capable of real change. I came to this realization when I found myself terribly upset when someone did what they are known for doing. Honestly, what kind of person would allow themselves to continue to get terribly upset at the fact that a leopard cannot change its spots? What kind of person would allow themselves to go into a mental coma simply because the sun is rising and setting as it should each day.
On this special day something miraculous happened. I was able to see the error in my ways. I was able to realize that no matter what I did, things that are meant to be will simply be. Whether I agree with how they are or not. A leopard will always have their spots, the IRS will always want their money, and the sun will always rise in the east and set in the west.
As my eyes were opened, my heart slowly began stepping out of the woods covering her eyes from the glare. Asking herself, “Am I out?” She immediately feels lighter and safer. She feels the warm sun and its making her radiant, inside and out. She stretches out her arms and legs. She sits up straight realizing she has been hunched over for too long. She looks out in front of her towards the tall trees and the beautiful skyline. She sees everyone that has been calling her name, directing her out of the dark forest. She sees Jesus, family, friends, loved ones. She drops to her knees and apologizes for ever doubting his love and power. Now as she furthers into the unknown of her journey, she is set free. Happily tackling every obstacle like the warriors we are.
I was feeling good after this experience, but then there was something else I needed to do. A ritual I kind of developed since I was a teenager, I suppose. To be honest, I never thought about it until after I did it this last time. Although this particular night where the crickets were extra loud and the cool breeze was blowing around my hair, I went to the gas station and bought a pack of cigarettes. I was never a regular smoker. I guess someone you would call a social smoker. Anyway, the last time I had a cigarette was almost seven years ago when I became clean. I sat outside in my car, lit a cigarette, and started jamming to old school R&B. I listened to everyone from Switch to Keyshia Cole to Jeremih. Sang. Lit another one. Sang. Took a deep breath and I felt nothing. No pain. No guilt. No condemnation. No confusion. No jealousy. No curiosity. No death.
There is absolutely nothing in this world like freedom. You guys! You have no idea how many times I thought I wasn’t going to make it. I thought this torture was going to last forever. I was fighting myself everyday. Literally battling with the world and the Word; trying to stick to the idea that there is an entity that claims to be The Creator of all AND on top of that loves me unconditionally?? Me?? But this….this moment, that day, me graduating college, homeschooling during a pandemic (and I’m not going to get into all of the things we had going on) and today, TODAY… my heart and I are walking hand in hand out of the forest.
“For the Son of Man came to seek and save those who are lost.” -Luke 19:10
Jesus is with me. He is with you. Every step I take in trusting him, the more I fell comfortable trusting him. Thank God he is not a liar nor manipulator like the real enemy. Once God helped me to realize that it is not our loved ones who intend on hurting us, but the influence of an evil entity, it helps recognizing that days like the day I felt nothing needs to happen more often. In saying that, not everything is Satan’s fault. God is more powerful and is calling all of us to do something with our existence to continue to spread the Message. It is our responsibility to either answer or not answer. And when we answer, we will become mentally and spiritually aware that we are free. Then we will be living and acting like the Princes and Princess’ we truly are. Not allowing ourselves to be feed table scrapes when we have banquet tables awaiting us.
Thank you so very much for allowing me to share my thoughts. I love you all and please remember to pray for one another.
P.S. I didn’t finish the cigarettes. After the two, I was cool as a breeze and threw the rest of the pack away. Weird ritual for closure, I guess. *shrugs*
Thank you all for sticking with me this far. Some of you have been following my journey since day one. Thank you to my new followers as well. The past three years have been a roller coaster ride. Not the fun kind, but definitely necessary.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve carried around fear and sadness. It has caused me to make decisions, good and bad, that most people wouldn’t understand.
Three years ago, God started to gut me like a fish, removing all of the remnants of each encounter, each bad decision, each mistake. All of the shame, guilt, fear, sadness, etc. had to come out in order for me to walk in the purpose God has set for me. And that crap hurt! Sometimes still does. He has removed certain people out of my life that I once thought I could never live without. God has helped me forgive those who I thought I would never be able to forgive. He has given me the strength to love those I was determined to hate.
What’s the difference between the Ashley three years ago and the Ashley today? Complete and utter surrender. Understanding that my life is not my own and when I try to control my life and the outcome of certain situations, I get in my own way and fall straight on my face. Ugh! And man, that hurts, too! I ultimately create my own misery.
I used to believe people when they would say, “Life is pain. You just have to deal with it.” That’s not true. I’m going to shame the devil by dropping this fun fact: once we accept Jesus, surrender to God’s will and not our own, life becomes beautiful. Reread that. Everything is possible that once felt impossible. We are able to pour into other people what God is pouring into us. We begin to bear the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
I’m not saying things arent going to be challenging, but I have good news. The more challenges we face, the more opportunity we have to draw closer to Abba Father. The closer we draw to God, the more we trust Him. The more we trust Him, the easier we are able to see our circumstances through our Fathers eyes and not our own, which is awesome because my vision is tore up from the floor up. OK, maybe I shouldn’t bring that phrase back, but I tried. 🤪
The picture above is me in 2018; sick, depressed, 99 pounds soaking wet. I was stressed all of the time. I was trying to do everything in my own strength (which as you can see wasn’t much), including trying to control those around me to fit my agenda on what I thought life was suppose to look like.
The above picture was taken five days ago. I am a healthy 100 and something pounds 😁 and have completely surrendered to the Lord who’s agenda for my life and the lives of my children is so much better than my own.
The road to recovery is not a easy one, nor is it for the faint in heart. Every morning I have to pull up my big girl draws and remind myself that Gods will is better than mine. Surrendering is tough, especially when you’re stubborn, selfish, and arrogant like myself. But thank the Lord Jesus Christ that I get a fresh start each morning to do better than the day before.
Thank you for reading my thoughts today. I love each and every one of you. Please don’t forget to pray for one another. Remember, we can disagree and still love on each other.
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.-2 Corinthians 5:17
Yesterday was my husbands and I wedding anniversary. At first, it wasn’t on my mind because my kids and I were so busy getting acclimated to the new online school systems that were assigned to them. That in it self was enough work to keep my brain occupied from any feelings, let alone bad ones. We could have had a hurricane come through our neighborhood and I wouldn’t have noticed, we were so busy.
Anyway, after everything cooled down and I looked down at my phone, it hit me: April 20, 2020. “WOW! It’s our anniversary.” I’m unable to say what I felt because so many emotions began flooding in. The other day, I blogged about allowing yourself to feel your emotions in order to move past them, but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t allow myself to feel everything that was happening in my heart. It was too overwhelming. So, I sat down and wrote what was on my mind. I honestly don’t think it makes any sense, but I would like to share it. Why? I don’t know. Maybe I will look back at this day, at this moment, and then, it will make sense. But for now, here it it.
Do you think about me? I think about you. I’m reminded by my ring finger that is tattooed. I’m reminded when our son tells a joke, One that you would’ve said in order to soak, Up the stress and discomfort that weighed on our chest, When life became a utter mess. Thank you for being apart of all of our great memories, That good, the bad, and the ugly. I will never forget the joy that you brought, During some of our most darkest days apart. But I no longer can focus on what we used to have, Yet instead I have to focus on my relationship with God. It’s time to bid ado for now, Maybe in the future we can say a proper goodbye, Without the anger, accusation and nastiness that used to come along with it, Because there used to be a time where this would’ve never been the case. I have to give my heart to Jesus now, He’s the only one that can help me so I will take a bow, From all that I thought was right, pure, and loving, And focus on my real true love, Hint: I’m His Beloved.
Thank you for reading my thoughts today. Please remember to pray for one another. Love you all!
“When you pass through the waters, I (God) will be with you; And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, Nor shall the flame scorch you.” -Isaiah 43:2
What a fruitful week this has been. I cannot say that I have been able to accomplish all of the things that I’ve wanted to do, but I can say that I am not easily overwhelmed as I used to be. I am forced to accept things as they are. It’s either that or have a nervous breakdown annndddddd who literally has time for that?!?
Yesterday I would say has been the best day I have had in a very long time. It was just like any other day accept:
God granted me the serenity to accept the things I could not change
Courage to change the things that I could
Wisdom to know the difference
Whew! Thank you Jesus. The kids were fighting, the house was (well, who am I kidding?) IS a mess, and I’m a little behind on homework, me and the kids. But it’s ok. I also found myself giggling at the sounds of my kids arguing with each other over who’s fart smells the worst after eating the easter eggs we painted. Or walking into a room finding Rj dancing like a wild man, Christian cheering him on, and Hannah recording it. It was like….pure bliss. PLUS, I still made time to do the things I wanted to do, not what I had to do.
I started researching how to start my new up and coming podcast! That’s right people! I’m starting a podcast. I’ll keep you up to date on that.
I doodled in my notebook
I attended my online support group
And drum roll please…….I got the kids in bed before 10pm. BOOM! *drops mic*
*Picks mic back up cause Im not done* To sum up, in the words of Ice Cube, “Today was a good day…” And I thank you all and many others for your prayers. God is an awesome God, but prayers definitely make a difference, so thank you from the bottom of my heart.
So, why did I title this blog, “When Your Bed Becomes Your Desk”? Well, this is the first time since my separation that I don’t feel so alone in my bed. Since my kids prefer to sleep in their own beds, tonight I am surrounded by the things I enjoy the most: my bible, writing equipment, my kids art work, reading material, and complete silence.
Tonight, while doing my bible study, I came across this scripture:
…he saved us, not because of the righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He washed away our sins, giving us a new birth and a new life through the Holy Spirit
To me, this is God reaffirming that everything will continue to be ok because that was His intent when Jesus died for us. He never promised sunshine and rainbows everyday, but after every storm, the sun shines and the rain….bows (even the wind and waves obey him -Mark 4:41). And yesterday, was my sunshine and rainbows. Without his mercy, I wouldn’t be able to enjoy my kids smelly farts and messy tendencies, their flaws overcrowding my flaws because the same love that my Father has for me, I am able to extend to them. The same grace and mercy my Father has for me, Jesus’ overflowing water runneth over to them. And that is the best gift that the Lord can ever give to me during this quarantine.
Thank you for reading my thoughts tonight. It is currently 1:25am and I should really scoot this stuff over and go to sleep. Nah, screw it, I’ll get comfy on the couch and sleep there. Anyway, love you all and please remember to pray for one another.
If you have been keeping up, I’ve kind of been going through it. The past couple of post were written in the middle of night when my mind refuses to turn off and only concentrate on what I am missing. Like I said in my “Do I Have A Future?” https://harotianessentials.org/2020/03/28/do-i-have-a-future/ post, there are many nights that I miss my best friend and companion. It’s funny how no matter what a person has done or said, your mind will always remember the great times that was shared. I believe that my mind kicks into self-preservation mode so I won’t become to overwhelmed by the reality of what has lead to our current circumstance. It definitely doesn’t help that the kids and I live in the same house that we shared and having a constant reminder of our wedding vowels from tattoos that we got together. Lesson learned!
But, I am so tired of whining. I’m tired of being hurt. I’m tired of giving life and attention to something that no longer exist. I love that I am able to get our my feelings in a healthy way, but I also feel like it’s keeping me stuck. I’m ready to move on, move forward, and move directly into Gods purpose for me. This tragedy is suppose to teach me, strengthen me, and direct me to become the Ashley I’ve always wanted to become and more. It reminds me that God says that our faith in Him will allow Him to do more for us than we have ever imagined.
Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. -Ephesians 3:20
As I’ve been doing some self-reflection and mediating through godly counsel and secular counseling, I have come to understand that the trauma that I faced growing up has carried into my adulthood. Although I am hurt, I fully understand that I played a large part in the dissolution of my marriage. I asked him to repair hurt that only God can heal. I’ve asked him to love me in which God only can. And because he is hurting and broken from his own issues, like the rest of us, he buckled under the pressure. I am not, by all means, excusing his behavior, it’s just God has allowed me to see things from my husbands perspective. It has allowed the forgiveness process to run a little bit more smoothly. I find myself having compassion for him, when sometimes I think I should still be angry.
In order for me to be happy and move forward, I have to begin to grieve what was lost growing up. Some where along the way, I learned that I am only worthy of conditional love, where my self-worth is that of a non-human being. That is not my husbands fault, nor is it his responsibility to fix it. Not only is it Gods responsibility, but He wants to do it. The amazing thing about God is that He knows exactly what I need to heal those broken parts of me so I can move on to something more real and substantial even if I don’t understand it. Which is amazing because my plate is already full.
In order for me to allow God to move in my life to fill my hurt with His love and my brokenness with His grace, I have to move out of my own way. I have to let go of what I thought was perfect for me so He can do what is actually perfect for me. Recently, I have been writing down the benefits that I have experienced since the separation:
I’ve definitely grown closer to God
I pray a lot more
I take my meds more consistently. Before I used to be so distracted by what was being said and done behind my back, it was hard for me to focus on anything else.
I’m allowing God to make me better, not bitter. I am constantly asking God to help me to not only forgive him, but other people that have hurt me.
I have the courage to face my own flaws, such as, codependency, unjust love, and the hurt that I have caused others.
I have stepped into forgiving myself while realizing I am forgiven by the Lord
I am able to concentrate on loving and seeing myself the way God sees me, thus, being able to love my children the way He does
And this is just to name of few. I am excited that God is working within me. Sometimes, yes, the hurt is unbearable, but that’s when we hold onto those promises:
When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer. -Psalm 94:19
I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. -Romans 15:13
He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. -Psalm 40:2
Well, that is all I have for today. Wait, ha! I finally made a short post. In your face self-pity! Anyway, thank you all for reading my thoughts. I love you and please remember to pray for one another.
God provides the core needs of our life for love, acceptance, and significance. There is not a person in the world who is able to give us exactly what we need except God Himself. And we can claim the promise of Philippians 4:19: ‘And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus’. But remember, God will meet your true needs, not necessarily your perceived needs.
-Stephanie Tucker, The Christian Codependence Recovery Workbook
This is Depression. How are you? Well, don’t answer that. You know I really don’t care. You know what I do care about is why we haven’t been spending time together like we used to? I mean, I see you every once in a while. Every time I think we are going to get back together, you leave me for a guy name Jesus. Like, why? What does he have that I don’t?
You cannot deny it, Ashley. We were so good together. You loved me, I loved you. All we needed was each other. And then this Jesus character came along and told you that you would be better without me. I was shocked! I never thought you would see me for who I really am. I honestly thought we would be together forever.
Remember, we used to have the best times together. I miss your tears of loneliness and hopelessness. I miss how we used to stay in bed together for days, even weeks at a time. I miss how you used to put me ahead of your family. Now you act like you never had such a wonderful, miserable history. You used to tell me how I was the only consistent entity in your life. Now I feel like I am nothing to you.
It’s pretty obvious that whoever this Jesus is that he means more to you than I ever have. That’s how I know he’s powerful because I used to be your whole world. Now all of a sudden he is. I’m angry and hurt because now I know I’ve lost my best victim.
I will never let you go. I will always come back and visit to see if you’ll take me back, I will never stop loving you. But because I see that you are stronger than you have ever been, I’ll have to bring my A game.
Thank you for joining me on this wonderful Saturday. What makes this day so wonderful, you ask? Well, for one, I’m not experiencing the weight of an elephant on my chest anymore. I am able to have hope for the future. God has been sending so many people to encourage me during this time. All whom have experienced the same trauma and heartache as I. He so is wonderful!!
Although I haven’t been “blogging” I’ve been coming up with so much material. Sometimes I am unable to fall asleep until I have it written all down, or at least cliff notes and it always feels so good.
A few weeks ago, I was able to conjure up a poem. I haven’t written a poem in what seems like forever. In another attempt of stepping out of my comfort zone, I will debut it here.
This coat I’m wearing, I love it, It fits my curves and everything above it. I’m so proud because it will be mine forever, As long as we’re together we can battle the worst weathers. After a while it was all I wore, The comfort and embrace it provided felt so secure. Not realizing the more I wore it the more I outgrew it, But it was mine and I felt good just to own it. But one day it began to tear at the seams, I tried my best to patch up what was lost, But the more I tried the more it cost. Until one day it was gone, never to be found again, The devastation killing what was left of my core. “What else could provide the comfort and loving care? What would I do with myself? Who would even care?” See, to you it may be a simple coat that can be replaced, But to me it was everything I was missing in the first place. In my life where things seemed so dark, until my coat came along and pulled me out, Well, looking back, at least I thought. The more I mourn, the more it becomes clear, That the struggle wasn’t the coat but something deeper than what appeared. The coat would have to become distant memory, Letting the seams tear is a sign that I should move on to make new memories. We all deserve to have a great, secure coat, We just have to know where to look. I began to seek my Father who told me that my story can be rewritten, It’ll just take a little grinding and pinching. “But hold on to my promises, Beloved” He says, I’ll always hear Him repeat to me especially in time of despair.
This poem was inspired by the realization that I have been operating in codependent relationships. It wasn’t clear to me why I was experiencing extreme heartache towards someone who clearly wants nothing to do with me. In God’s gracious character, He has been removing my heart so I am able to heal and move forward.
I don’t have all of the answers right now, but right now, I am resting in His promise that “this to shall pass”.
Thank you, friends for reading my thoughts. It has been my pleasure sharing my story, although it has me terrified. Please remember to pray for one another, especially during a time like this.
But the Lord is faithful; he will strengthen and guard you from the enemy. -2 Thessalonians 3:3
I hope everyone is having a wonderful New Years. I haven’t been blogging because there have been unfortunate events happening in my life that I’ve had to work out. I am not sure if I mentioned in my last post (and frankly I’m too lazy to check) but July of last summer, I suffered a devastating loss. I’ve been afraid to talk about it because I guess I still don’t know how to process it and fear of judgment, rejection, and ridicule. Yet, I feel that sharing my experience is something I’m obligated to do.
The stages of grief have been unexpected, torturous, and lonely. Right now, I have good days and bad days. Just when I think I have a handle on the good days, a bad day will come out of the blue to remind me that this agony is far from over. Although this loss was probably for the best, it doesn’t make the hurt, hurt less. It doesn’t make the loss more bearable. And it doesn’t make the good memories go away.
To be honest, I’m really confused. My reaction to this loss is unexpected. At least, I didn’t think I would be this devastated. The event is something I thought would happen but didn’t see it coming. I still had hope for reconciliation and restoration, but it has become clear that I’ve been wearing blinders while living in a fantasy world that I built for myself to avoid pain and heartache. Thinking back, it is how I dealt with trauma from my childhood. I simply stuffed my feelings down, put on a “mask”, and became who I thought people wanted me to be only so that I could feel accepted. So it would only make sense that during this loss, all of those other feelings have bubbled up to the surface all at once.
In this situation, this person had me to believe that they saw past the “mask” and they loved me unconditionally anyway. I can’t tell you how long I’ve waited to hear those words from someone I loved, no matter if they meant it or not. Looking back, I’m unsure if they meant it. I only know at this point, it doesn’t matter. So, the blinders went on and common sense and logic went out the window.
I was hoping that when I began digging into my past, it would help me not only heal from specific experiences I’ve had throughout life that resulted in feelings of abandonment and rejection, but it would also help me better deal with my present. Yea…not so much. I’ve been wanting to skip the grieving process and get this over with already. I don’t want to feel what I feel. I don’t want to feel unloved and lied to. I don’t want to feel hopeless and worthless. And I don’t want to feel like every bad thing this person ever said about me is right and that I am the cause of such an extreme loss.
While suffering through the stages of grief, I’m finding it extremely difficult to do the simplest of things. Imagine depression 2.0. I’ve had moments of happiness, especially with my kids, but most of my days are spent trying NOT to completely fall apart. I’ve neglect things that I need to do for myself because my home and children come first, and even those things seem impossible at times. Once that’s out of the way, I don’t have the energy to do anything else. For example, I can’t even tell you the last time I washed my hair. Yea, yea, I know, gross, but it’s the truth.
Although people go through this every day, it feels like the end of the world to me. It feels like I’m hanging on by thread without life support. It feels like this person has died versus only walking out of my life. Its obvious something is wrong, so when people ask, I give the generic, “I’m ok”. I mean, what else am I supposed to say? Repeating my sorrow over and over, to me, is invading the curious person’s positive energy, thus making them leave me as well.
I have a deep longing inside of me that would love to climb into my mother’s lap so I can cry until I couldn’t cry anymore. The little girl inside of me is screaming out for hugs, kisses, and fresh chocolate chip cookies. It seems silly because I’m a mother myself, but I’ve never had it and I feel at this moment in life, now would be a good time to have it. But it’s just not possible, so I’m trying to look to God, other family members, and my mentor to fulfill whatever is missing from my heart and guidance.
My mind is filled with so many things I should do; pray, worship God, read His Word, pray some more, anoint the house, forgive the people that have hurt me, make amends to the people I have hurt, etc., etc. They say to take one day at a time, but when my heart is hurting so much, I can’t help but think of the future and how I can’t wait for this part to be over. So then, I will automatically begin to think about the steps that I need to take to get there. And then there’s that good old, comparing myself to other people. For example, the other party in this circumstance seems to be unaffected by the last nine months, which breaks my heart even more, but hey, what can you do?.
After a while, I started asking myself, “Why am I the only person that is hurting like this? How can everyone handle this pain but me?” Then, I remember an excerpt that I read out of a book titled, The Christian Codependence Recovery Handbook (we’ll speak more about this another day) by Stephanie Tucker. She says:
One of the secrets we learn in walking with Jesus is that when we give Him control, in our weakness we are strong. Why? Because He has control and He is strong. However, if we are trying to be strong and in control, we are very weak. Every resource we need in life is found in our relationship with God. When we surrender control to Him, we come under His provision and protection.
…. when you feel defeated and tired, giving your life and will over to God can be the most incredible experience of your life.
I hate this season of my life. I feel hogtied to a boulder, but then when I read that paragraph above, I was reminded that I can rest in the knowledge that when I am at my weakest, it is at this point, God can do His best work in me, for me, and around me. Trying to control and manipulate my circumstances will only result in more heartache because I am not under His protection and provision. I leave myself wide open for Satan to fill my mind with negative, defeating thoughts and because I am weak, I easily succumb to them. I chose to surrender because it is in my brokenness that my Abba Father can pull me out of the darkness with my head held high, thus, truly living my life and not just surviving it.
This loss is a make or break moment. I believe we all experience at least one; a life event so unexpected, it shakes us to our very core and the only choices we have are to surrender to God and allow Him to mend our hearts while smothering us with His love and grace OR sitting in it, allowing bitterness, hate, and anger to plant roots deep inside our hearts.
I understand that my above feelings may sound like I’m feeling sorry for myself or that I am stuck in a revolving door of self-loathing and I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I was, but these are my honest feelings. My insecurities are ruining my life. I know for the fact that my loss isn’t talked about because it has become the social norm, but there are so many people, especially women who are suffering in silences that are in the same boat as I.
I’ve been afraid to share my story, although I know it needs to be told. So, this is me. Here I am. Putting it all out there. My insecurities. My weakness. My vulnaribilities. When we experience trials and tribulations, God always seems to have a breakthrough right around the corner. So, after all my complaining in this post, I would like to tell whoever is experiencing a devastating loss, here are some tips that I have learned in the past nine months to help me wake up to do it all over again until God decides to remove this mountain:
We must give ourselves grace for not “getting over it” when we think you should be over it
We cannot rush the grief process. It is something we must power through with the help of the only true and living God
We should allow ourselves to be vulnerable because God will do His mightiest work and the enemy will have no grounds to try to silence you
If you were betrayed, remember that our God is a God of justice and all things right. He will get justice for the wrong that was done to you. Let Him deal with that person as He sees fit.
If you are feeling any of the feelings I mentioned above, know that it is ok not to be ok.
And finally, find yourself a good support system to face those lonely days and nights. People that will encourage you and listen to you complain when you just can’t hold it any longer. Although I long for my mother’s embrace, I am grateful that I have other support systems that help me get through the days when I feel like I can’t go on any longer.
Thank you all so much for reading my thoughts. Although life seems impossible, I know that it is worth living. Let’s move forward together by supporting each other with prayer and honesty.
“So, my very dear friends, don’t get thrown off course. Every desirable and beneficial gift comes out of heaven. The gifts are rivers of light cascading down from the Father of Light. There is nothing deceitful in God, nothing two-faced, nothing fickle. He brought us to life using the true Word, showing us off as the crown of all his creatures.” -James 1:16-18 (MSG)