bipolar disorder – Page 3 – Healing with Harotian

February 27, 2018April 4, 2018

Faith

One would think that in the past 24 hours, every negative entity that lurks around in our universe wants to destroy every ounce of goodness I have left. Everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. If I allow it, it has the potential to discourage me from my walk with God and make me completely give up on my life altogether.

There are a few reasons why I won’t and can’t give up:

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Mark 9:23 says, “-anything is possible if a person believes.”
Philippians 4:13 says “I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”
Matthew 17:20 says “‘You don’t have enough faith,’ Jesus told them. ‘I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’ and it would move. Nothing would be impossible.'”

I am so tired of cowering in the corner, crying like an infant when bad things happen. It’s not how I was raised and I will not allow this to become a permanent part of me. If I want to survive, if I want to push past these mental and physical ailments that have presented themselves to me, I have to be brave – I have to stand tall against the enemy who is trying his best to kill me.

I will do as God instructed in Ephesians 6:13-18. I will put on every piece of Gods armor so I that I will be able to resist the enemy. He tells us to stand our ground, put on the belt of truth, the body armor of Gods righteousness, for shoes we put on the peace that comes from the Good News, hold up the shield of faith, put on the helmet of salvation, and take up the sword of the Spirit which is the world of God.

If I allow the enemy to get to me, thoughts of suicide cloud my mind every minute of every day. I proclaim, right now, that he will no longer be allowed to enter my mind. He will no longer be allowed to control how I feel or what I do.

Today’s devotional stated:

Jesus promises that anyone who believes in who he is – anyone who entrusts himself to the person of Jesus – will never encounter an impossibility. -Jennifer Kennedy Dean

I trust that everything that has happened in the past 24 hours is apart of his plan. And if it’s not apart of his plan, I believe that he will deliver us from Satans grasp and bless us beyond our dreams. I also believe that he will not, nor ever, abandon us in our time of need.

That being said, I hope everyone had a wonderful day. And if you didn’t, then you always have tomorrow to start over. God bless each and every one of you. If you are going through a hard time, just remember, God will never abandon you.

Faith does not grasp a doctrine, but a heart. The trust which Christ requires is the bond that unites souls with Him; and the very life of it is entire committal of myself to Him in all my relations and for all my needs, and absolute utter confidence in Him as all-sufficient for everything that I can require. -Alexander MacLaren

February 24, 2018May 16, 2018

Feelings? How Many Of Us Have Them?

giphy4 Mental illness sucks. I’m sitting here trying to come with clever ways to express those three simple words, but all the comes to mind is mental illness sucks. One reason why it sucks is that mental illness will trick you into believing that feelings matter. When, in the grand scheme of things, they do not. For example, mental illness makes me feel like I’m a bad mother for having a mental illness. When the truth is, I’m not. It’s because of mental illness that I am a good mother. I am always conscious of making sure that my children do not experience the harsh realities that come with having a mentally ill parent. I am always aware of their feelings and what may or may not be affecting them.

Because of my mental illness, I am more aware of my children’s mental stability. I know what it is like to have a parent with a mental illness. For years, I failed to understand why my mother chose to do and say the things that she did to us. I used to be upset with her, but after learning what her struggles are, it made it easier for me to forgive her. Which brings me to my previous point; mental illness will trick you into believing that feelings matter. If feelings truly mattered, then I would be unable to forgive my mother because she has hurt me in ways that no child should be hurt. But I’ve chosen to forgive her for a couple of reasons…

Peace of mind “I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” -John 16:33
God says I have to“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Colossians 3:13

giphy5 For me, forgiveness is more about me than it is about you. People chose not to forgive because they feel they may be doing that person a favor or they may feel like that person doesn’t deserve to be forgiven. But then there is that word again, feel. If you are having a hard time forgiving someone, ask yourself…what great feeling do you have when you chose not to forgive? Do you feel better or worse? Do you feel like a weight has been lifted off of your shoulders or do you feel angry and bitter?

giphy6 Feelings should have nothing to do with doing the right thing. For example, saying hurtful words feels so good when I’m angry. When I become angry, my mind begins to fill with horrible thoughts. It’s like I am possessed. I am capable of saying some pretty awful things. When I’m angry, it feels great to say those awful things…until I calm down. Then I feel like the worst person in the world. I then, begin to obsess about how to make it right. Thus, resulting in an obsessive cycle of beating myself up. All because I felt angry. When in fact, my feelings should not cause me to want to hurt someone else. God says:

When you tell you these things, we do not use words that come from human wisdom. Instead, we speak words given to us by the Spirit, using the Spirits words to explain spiritual truths. -1 Corinthians 2:13

Feelings can be wonderful; joy, hope, serenity, gratitude, faithfulness, love, clarity, etc. It is the negative ones that mental illness uses to feed on. Mental illness is just like every monster you’ve read about growing up. The more you feed it what it wants, the stronger it becomes.

giphy7 Right now, I feel overwhelmed and hopeless. I feel like I am never going to move past these moments of dread and disparity. I feel like I am losing the war that is going on in my mind and body, but guess what? Those are just feelings. They are not my reality. We have to hold on to the fact that feelings do not define our truth, they do not reflect our reality. They just simply reflect our mind frame. We have to keep reminding ourselves that we are more than what we are feeling at the moment. Moments are periods of time that have a beginning and an end. Moments can last for seconds or for years, but we are not meant to set up permanent residence in said moments. We are meant to live life, embracing those moments so we can learn and grow from them. What do you do when you are done reading a chapter in a book? You move on to the next chapter, right? Moments are chapters in your book of life. Don’t stay stuck in one chapter because you feel trapped or hopeless.

Thank you for reading my thoughts. I appreciate every last person that decided to hit that FOLLOW bottom. You’re the real MVP’s! Stay blessed.

“Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strength.” -Charles Haddon Spurgeon

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February 23, 2018

Funny Fridays

Hello All!

Today for Funny Friday, we are going to switch it up a little. A few years ago, I was introduced to Chuck Norris jokes. For my international friends, Chuck Norris s an American martial artist, actor, film producer and screenwriter. He has starred in action classics, such as The Hitman, The Delta Force, and Walker: Texas Ranger.

Honestly, I am not a huge Chuck Norris fan, but I think the jokes about Chuck Norris are hilarious. So, sit back and enjoy. I hope you find them as ridiculously funny as I do.

flashyadmirablegar-size_restricted 1. Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.

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2. When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.

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3. Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

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4. Chuck Norris has a bear skin rug in his front room. It’s not dead, it’s just too scared to move.

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5. A Black Mamba once bit Chuck Norris. After three days of excruciating pain, the Black Mamba died.

Thank you all for reading. Have a wonderful rest of your Friday (or Saturday for my international readers). Let me know if you like Chuck Norris jokes. I have plenty more to share! 🙂

February 21, 2018April 11, 2018

20 Habits To Guarantee Happiness

In today’s society, the meaning of true happiness has been defined as “what can I get for myself” or “what can this other person do to make me happy”.

I hate to break the news to you, but if you are looking for happiness in materialistic entities or other people, you will never be happy…EVER!

How do I become happy, you ask? Well, below are a few things that you can add to your everyday life that will guarantee true happiness.

Meditate
Have faith
Eat Healthy
Exercise
Read more
Judge less
Respect yourself and other people
Be passionate
Drink more water
Accept your flaws
Stop making excuses
Live in the moment
Have goals
Stop comparing yourself to other people
Stop taking things personally
Never stop learning
Listen more, talk less
Find a purpose
Forgive
Appreciate the little things

I have been desperately applying each one to my everyday life. I will testify, that they have greatly improved how I view my life and how I deal with difficult situations and people that came my way. We cannot change the world by simply sitting back and complaining about it. If each and every one of us developed the above habits, we have the ability to not only improve our own lives but the lives of others around us. Happiness is contagious, just like sadness and disparity. If we take the time to spread more love, then maybe, just maybe, the rest of the world will take heed and follow. If not, then at least your life will be greatly improved.

I hope you all are having a wonderful week.

February 19, 2018May 16, 2018

I Suck At Maintaining Friendships

I suck at maintaining relationships. Whew! There, I said it out loud. I’m sure people that I used to be friends with would say the same thing. It’s always something I’ve known deep down, but I don’t think I’ve actually admitted it until now.

I would love to say that my failed friendships are completely and utterly the fault of said ex-friends, but I would be lying big time! Some friendships I’ve lost because they were toxic. Some I’ve lost simply because we grew apart. But more than I would like to admit, most friendships were lost because of the depression I would have after a manic episode and my inability to seek the appropriate help.

After going through a manic episode, I would go into a deep depression, completely withdrawing myself from everyone; friends, family, co-workers, etc. This was not intentional of course. I would just become a recluse. Now, most people would allow me to wallow in my own misery without a second thought for my concern. But there were a few people who really tried to be a great friend during my moments of severe depression, but eventually, they would feel neglected and leave the friendship, which I totally understand. Afterwards, I would feel so embarrassed and ashamed, I wouldn’t contact them anymore. Regrettably, I’ve lost a lot of great people in my life this way.

Oddly enough, I’ve never been upset with them. I know it is hard to be friends with someone who suffers from severe depression and bipolar disorder. We can be unpredictable. How can I expect anyone to understand what I am going through if I don’t even understand what I’m going through? I mean, honestly, I don’t expect anyone to put up with it. A person can only take so much rejection. Maybe, I’ve never pursued a failed friendship because I know they do not deserve to be shut out of my life just because I’m going through a rough time.

Truly, I don’t think that I’m a very good friend. I love all of my friends, past, and present. Especially the ones that were there for me during some of my dark times and I will always hold them close to my heart.

If you are reading this and we stopped being friends due to my inability to function because of my mental illness, please forgive me. I want you to know that I did love you and appreciate you and it was nothing that you did. It sounds cliche, but it was ALL me, not you. I am so very sorry for not being able to be the friend that you deserved. I’m sorry for abandoning you and leaving you without an explanation. Futhermore, I am sorry for causing any trust issues you may have in the future for anyone who is trying to be your friend.

I do have one friend, that no matter how long I go without talking to her, she never gives up on me. She’ll constantly call and harass me until I reply. Even if weeks go by without a word. Somehow, she’s always there. One time, I tried to purposely push her away. At the time, I was unable to see past my own issues and felt she would be better off without me as a friend, but she is relentless. She is a like my husband farts; no matter how far you go to get away, she still lingers. I love her to pieces and sometimes I feel I don’t deserve her. She never reads my blogs post, so she’ll never know much I love her being so dang annoying 🙂

Sometimes, I become sad when I think about how I don’t have many friends. But I think, they are better off. Until I learn how to better handle manic episodes when they occur, no one should be subjected to a part-time friend. People, especially good people, deserve better than that.

If you are friends with someone who suffers from a mental illness, please have patience with them. It is not an excuse, but during manic moments, we are not ourselves. Our brains are trying to make sense of the rapid emotions flowing through our body and our mind. Everything feels right but wrong. The sun is shining 24 hours out of the day, while the nights’ dark skies gloom in the background. Up is down and everywhere is nowhere.

Does anyone else struggle with maintaining any kind of relationship while dealing with a mental illness? I would love to hear how it is for you.

Thank you for reading my thoughts.

I’d walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire because that’s dangerous. But a super humid room… well not too humid, because you know… my hair. -Anonymous

January 14, 2018January 14, 2018

She Must Be Crazy

I was seventeen years old when I was first diagnosed with Bipolar Depression. My doctor at the time prescribed Lexapro 20mg to get me started. We were supposed to discuss additional treatment during my next visit, but I never went back. I simply ignored my diagnosis. The first thought I had was, “I’m not crazy!” That was fifteen years ago. I was in denial because back then. I didn’t know what I know now, which is that mental illness is like any other illness. The longer it goes untreated, the sicker one becomes. It was hard hearing those words, “you have a mental illness.” Honestly, fifteen years after my diagnosis, it is still difficult for me to wrap my head around it.

After I was diagnosed, I did not tell anyone. I think some of my family members knew “something” was wrong, but they couldn’t put their finger on it. My mom would always say, “she must be crazy?” Referring to me of course. I didn’t want anyone to know at first because I didn’t believe it myself, but shortly after my first suicide attempt, I was forced to see the reality of my illness and sought help. Even then, I kept it a secret. This time, it was because I was ashamed and embarrassed. I felt like everyone would judge me and condemn me. I was more afraid of being judged then the illness itself. I distanced myself from my family and friends so I wouldn’t have to explain my odd behavior or my mood swings. I soon became a master manipulator and liar.

In 2014, shortly after my youngest son was born, I could no longer hide my illness from my family. It was becoming a burden I could longer bare by myself. It began to seep its way in every relationship I had in my life, including my children. I had to ask for help. At the time, my manic episodes were lasting for months and my family definitely noticed that something was wrong.

Luckily, my sister, mom, and brother were very supportive. They tried to understand my illness without judgment, only love, and support. This is where I learned that mental illness not only affects the host but the family members as well. I could see that my sister was struggling with my diagnosis, but she never allowed her ignorance of the disease to get in the way of our relationship. In a weird way, I think it brought us closer together.

My brother later told me that he suspected that I was struggling with a mental illness, but wasn’t sure how to approach me. I can understand why he felt resislent. Mental illness is a sore subject for a lot of people, especially in the black community. If you have a mental illness, you are treated like a leper. I can’t help but wonder if my life would have been different if I had shared my diagnosis sooner or if my brother had spoken to me about the symptoms that I was displaying.

Are you unsure if your loved one has a mental illness? Well, these are signs to look out for:

Appoaching your loved one about them possibly having a mental illness is hard. They may become defensive and angry. They may feel like you are calling them “crazy”. It can get ugly. There are a few things that you would need to understand before you proceed. Below are things to keep in mind when you decide to have that conversation.

Their journey of acceptance is their responsibility alone. You cannot force them to accept it. You cannot force them to agree with you. The only action you can take is planting the seed. Present your concern and allow them to disguist and accept. The journey to acceptance is a long one, so please be patient with them.
Be prepared. It’s going to take multiple conversations and attempts
When having a discussion, listen with a open heart without judgment.
Offer information only when they are willing to accept it
Set boundaries for your own well-beingKnow your limitations. This process is difficult for everyone involved. If you are unable to fully invest yourself, it is ok to walk away for a moment
- Seek help, advice, and/or counseling.
- Seek resources for families dealing with mental illness
Recognize that you are responsible for their happiness and health.
Ask them to “humor you” and go see a physician togetherWhile getting a wellness check up performed, you can also ask for the physician to do a mental evaluation as well.
- You can tell them that the evaluation is to prove you wrong.
Do not trick them or lie to them. This will cause broken trust, thus making it even more difficult to convince your loved one of seeking help.
Voice your concern with compassion
Build trust and understanding
Your loved may continue to get angry when you make suggestions. The best action to take is to not get angry back. You want to try to stay calm so you can show them that you understand and want to help.
Listen to their concerns without judgement

The stigmas of mental illness can make it extremely difficult for one to accept their struggle, but you can help them through the process. I hope whoever is in your life that is struggling with a mental illness is able to get the help that they need and deserve. I pray for them that they have the courage to face what is ahead and know that they are NOT their mental illness.

“Don’t be ashamed of your story. It will inspire others.” -Unknown