Living Through the Pain

Hello Friends,

I was reflecting the other day on how do we live while experiencing a broken heart. With everything going on in the world, we may also be experiencing loss, disappointment, betrayal, or grief. It can feel overwhelming. I used to think that if I closed myself off, I wouldn’t have the experience any of it. Yet, that is not the case. If anything, it would pile up with each incident, thus causing a volcano effect when I couldn’t hold it in any longer.

I hate feeling heartbroken. I think more so than the average person. When I feel my heart has been grounded into sand like crystals, I take it really hard. It seems I go into a dark, deep depression, blaming myself for allowing my heart to be open to the person that broke it. This doesn’t seem normal, or it is?

Over the years, I’ve had to figure out how to live with a broken heart, otherwise, it would have killed me. When experiencing a broken heart, my immediate reaction would be to end it by any means necessary, including suicide. I would think to myself, dying is better than walking through this pain. The pain would be that excruciating. I had to choose between life or death. One would think this would have been an easy decision. I mean, I have a lot to live for; my children, my career, my health, God. But when the pain is spewing from my pores, it would seem that none of that mattered. Until, I decided to submit to God.

One day, I begged God to please help me. I want to live, but I don’t want to feel this pain anymore. His answer was simple, quiet, and loving: “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” – 2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV.

Interesting…. “….my power is made perfect in weakness…”. That is wonderful! So you mean to tell me that through Christ, there IS healing, peace, and restoration when I am weak? When I am hurting? Through my weakness, that is when Jesus is most powerful in me? This means I don’t have to do anything but rest in Him and He will take care of the rest.

Things that I learned during my weakest moments of darkness and sadness:

1. Humbly bring our pain to God- God already knows our hearts and he is not surprised by our pain. Yet, honestly speaking to Him allows us to pour our heart out and not hide behind a veil of pretend strength.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” – Psalm 34:18

2. Remind ourselves that Jesus is compassionate- Jesus went through heartbreak himself. Jesus himself wept, was betrayed, and suffered deeply. When we feel alone, remember that Jesus faced all of the things we are facing today. Not only does he understanding, but he feels what we feel.

“He was despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering, and familiar with pain.” -Isaiah 53:3

3. Lay our burden at the foot of the cross- Remind ourselves that we are not in control of things we cannot fix. We must surrender our pain to Jesus in order for him to carry what we cannot. He was literally made for it.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” -Matthew 11:28

4. Stay in Gods Word daily- God’s Word is like medicine for the soul. Reading scripture daily will bring light, healing, and restoration. Here are some scripture to meditate on everyday:

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” -Psalm 147:3

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him.” -Romans 8:28

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.” -John 14:27

5. Surround yourself with faithful support- God often heals our heart through other people. We are not to isolate ourselves. We are not meant to heal alone.

“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up.” – 1 Thessalonians 5:11

6. Allow your pain to become purpose- Healing doesn’t mean forgetting. It means allowing God to transform your pain into wisdom, compassion, and strength. One day, our stories of heartbreak will be someone else’s source of hope.

“What is meant for evil, God meant for good.” – Genesis 50:20

As I navigate through this broken season, I must remind myself that this is for a moment and in this moment, I have a faithful, loving Father ready to pour all of His love and mercy onto me. When I talk to Him, almost always without fail, I feel the weight lifting off of me. The pain may still be there, but the fact that He is also there makes it bearable. Thank God for Jesus.

I pray that if you are experiencing a broken heart, that the Lord comes to comfort you by wrapping His loving arms around you and give you peace. Here a prayer that you can pray to help you get through:

Heavenly Father,
My heart feels heavy and torn. The pain of this loss weighs deeply on my spirit. I come to You because You are close to the brokenhearted and save those who are crushed in spirit. Lord, wrap me in Your loving arms and remind me that I am never alone. Heal the wounds that only You can see. Replace my sadness with peace, my confusion with clarity, and my hurt with hope. Help me to forgive where I need to, to release what I cannot change, and to trust that You have a greater purpose for my life. Teach me to rest in Your timing and to believe that Your plans for me are still good. Restore my joy, renew my strength, and fill my heart with Your perfect love that never fails. In Jesus’ name, I pray,
Amen.

October 22, 2025

Living Your Best Life Through God Given Gifts

Hello Friends,

Writing has been on my mind almost daily. I think about all of the things I can write about and how they may help people who come across my blog. Yet, somehow, I seem to talk myself out of it. Coming up with excuses as to why I shouldn’t write: “I’m too busy”, “I’m tired”, “No one is going to read it”, “No one will want to read my thoughts”, etc., etc. However, I can’t seem to get it off of my mind. I find the more I ignore the desire, the busier my mind becomes. My brain is flooded with a tidal wave of ideas, reflecting on ways I can share my thoughts with the world.

Then, something miraculous happened. God spoke to me, reminding me that the desire to write has been placed in my heart for a reason. While checking my email, I ran across a scripture from Rick Warren that read, “The Lord gave me this answer: ‘Write down clearly on tablets what I reveal to you, so that it can be read at a glance.’” Habakkuk 2:2 (GNT). It felt as though God was sitting beside me and whispered in my ear, “Write down clearly on tablets what I reveal to you…”. Some may describe it as a light-bulb moment, but I describe it as a clear message from Jesus to share the revelations that He has been giving me with the world. The lessons I learn aren’t for me to gate-keep, but to help those on this side of heaven who are going through what I have been or are currently going through with my gift of writing.

So of course, I had to dig deeper into Scripture. Hearing God’s voice so clearly is such an intimate delicacy. The more I hear it, the more I yearn to be in His presence. It is a safe and loving place to be in. As I’m sitting here, I am trying to figure out something to compare it to, but there is nothing on earth that would equate to sitting in the presence of the Lord. Understanding one’s purpose in life is what every human strives for. Some are fortunate enough to have a clear understanding of what their purpose is and how to use it. Some have to search, trial and error, to determine a reason to wake up every day and get through life. So when that time comes when our purpose has been revealed, it is like seeing the face of a beautiful bride after her veil has been removed for all the world to see.

“Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.”
1 Peter 4:10-11

I’ve known for over half my life that my purpose was to help people. The question of helping people has left me feeling lost. I have attempted so many avenues of what I thought that help should look like. And what I thought was failure may have been me leaving a residual footprint of inspiration and love that resembles the love of Christ. That is my hope anyway. But writing… writing has always been my first love and now I know the purpose of that love.

Thank you for reading my thoughts. I pray that God reveals your path in life and gives you the strength to follow through. I love you all.

April 8, 2025

No Title is the Title

Ah, it feels good to be back after a long hiatas. Since my absence, I was able to earn a master’s degree in healthcare administration and become gainfully employed as an substitute teacher and a crisis response clinician with the metropolitan police in my city. I love what I do and the goals that I have been able to achieve.

For those of you who have been with me for a long time, you know that my love for writing can only be compared to a love that exists beyond expectations, circumstances, or personal gain. So, when I go a long time without spending time with my first love, I begin to feel it in my soul. The urning for inspiration to write becomes unbearable.

Next, I struggle with “what do I write about?” In the past when i get writers block, I would submit a discussion that is research based. I would pick a topic, research the topic, and report my findings. This way of doing things created content, not sentiment. Or maybe it did. Hopefully, I was guided by the Holy Spirit to find and research that particular topic so that it can reach the masses. I dont know, either way, I digress. The past few weeks, I’ve picked up a pen and pad, desperately hoping my soul would pour itself onto the page, but nothing comes out. It feels hallow, like something is missing. Then, Eureka! I know what is missing…pain!

Throughout history, pain has been in the center of many great works created by artist who were struggling with emotionally and/or physical pain. Famous examples would be Dutch post-impressionist artist Vincent van Gogh, who created masterpieces such as The Starry Night, struggled with severe mental illness and ultimately documented his experiences in his paintings. Another example is singer and performer, Billie Holiday, whose soulful voice graced us with Strange Fruit. Yet, it was her struggle with substance abuse and painful life experiences that allowed her to connect with the hearts of her fans. And like so many others, I too, find myself creating works of art when pain is in the passenger seat.

So, here I am, having the desire to create, but no longer have my side seat companion. I felt trapped between the desire to write, yet struggling with the emptiness with feeling like I have nothing to say. Then a situation arose that forced me to question my identity, my values, and the intentions of certain people in my life. Self-reflection is the only disposition that I can allow at this moment to better understand my role in things going side ways in this situation. Yet, during my moment of self-reflection, I had a “a-ha!” moment followed by the strong desire to write. Thus leading us here. FI-NA-LLY! I have something to write without the nuisance of Pain patiently waiting to come along for the ride of discovery and enlightenment. Finally, I have the desire to be present with myself and share my thoughts, while becoming free from the constant mental chatter.

I know what you’re saying. “Ok, Ashley, get to the point already. What do you want to talk to us about?” Well, my good people, it’s very simple: severance, specifically with people.

Back in the day, when someone would leave my life, in one way or another, I would selfishly think it was fault and take the demise of our union personally. I would plague myself with questions, fixating on thoughts that did not matter and blaming myself. I convinced myself that I did something wrong for this person to distance themselves from me. However, during this season of becoming upgraded Ashley 2.0 model, my perspective has shifted as to why people exit stage left from The Ashley Show. Let’s dive a little deeper into this thought.

I recently had someone tell me that they felt they couldn’t be friends with me anymore due to something I did. To me, it wasn’t wrong or malicious. It wasn’t done out of spite or deception. Instead, at the time, it seemed like a way to resolve an unrelated issue we were dealing with at the time. Yet, the other party, obviously did not feel the way. The person thought the decision I made was intentionally derespectfully to their pesonal situation, resulting in feelings of betrayal of trust and the dissipation of our friendship. The old Ashley would have taken this breakup very hard. And I use the word breakup because, although this person and I were friends in the most platonic way possible, I deeply cared for this person and sincerely thought we were best friends for life. So the process of not talking to this person, hanging out with this person, and sharing initimate convesations with this person is going to become an adjustment. I would have blamed myself, convinced there was something I done have done better during the friendship to keep it going. Thank God I am not the old Ashley.

The upgraded Ashley 2.0 model believes in the saying, “everything is for a reason and a season” or how God politely explains in Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 NIV:

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.”

In other words, things happen when they are supposed to happen and it appropriate to let them go. In this paragraph, God didn’t explain the “whys” behind the purpose and benefits of his timing. That is more so, what we learn during life experience, right? I am currently in a season of loving myself and the journey that the Father has me on. I was always so hyper focused on the goal, I missed the fun along the way, the reasons and seasons.

I am also learning that when God says He’s a jealous God, He means it (Exodus 20:5). God’s displeasure is not compared to human jealously, but his inate desire to have a faithful relationship with His children and disapproval for idolatry. In my experience, if we don’t remove the false idol ourselves, God will certainly do it for us. Or He may let us sit in it and learn our lesson from disobedience. Either way, it is for our God whether we feel like it is or not. For the sake of this article, I would use my friendship with as a displeasure to God. I depended on this person for what I should have been depending on God for. God wanted my attention and He tried, in many way, to get it before the decline of our friendsship. I saw signs of toxicity and chose to ignore them. This friendship, through my decisions, was pulling me away from God in a unhealthy manner.

I will end this article with God is so, so good. When I began working on this piece, I was hurting in ways that were new to me. It seems that just when I think things or people cannot get worse, they do. Yet, I am glad because I am a better person for all of it. Even through the trials, I am enjoying my life and each day that the Lord gives me to make better decisions., to build stronger relationships, to help those who need it. I’m learning that each person has there own battle to face. Some people face their battles with integrity and tenacity. Some people face their battles with malice and blame. And both are ok because no matter what we feel or how we feel it, the Lord has the final say.

Thank you for reading my thoughts. I love you all. Please remember to pray for yourselves and each other.

January 1, 2022January 8, 2022

Defeating Goliath

Hello Friends,

Most people know of the story of David and Goliath. A biblical story, starring a young Shepard boy named David, who believed that with Gods help, the Israelites would defeat the Philistines, whom had a fierce giant fighting for them by the name Goliath. The Israelite army did not believe that Goliath could be defeated. But David did. A small boy with no military experience defeated Goliath with three things: a rock, a sling shot, and faith. All three defeated Goliath. At the end of the story, it was the Philistines that ran away in defeat because Goliath was their only plan they had to defeat the Israelite army. (1 Samuel 17)

Mental illness is my Goliath. For so long, I’ve been living like the Israelite Army; living in defeat. Thinking that there was no way out. Thinking that Goliath has defeated me and I have no where to run, becoming still in one place because Goliath wont let me move forward or move backgrounds. I’m not sure why I thought it has to be one way or the other. Before now, I never considered that there was a third option; trusting in God with what He has armed me with and leaving the results to Him.

My biggest problem is, I look around me, comparing my journey to the journey of others. I compare what they have been armed with versus what I’ve been armed with. I would complain about how small and insignificant my weapons were, screaming that it wasn’t enough to get me out of the hell I was living in. And no matter how many times God saved me when he turned nothing into something, I would still overlook the obvious; faith and trust in Gods plan.

My scripture for this month is:

“And I am certain that God who began the good work within you will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” -Philippians 1:6

This month, this scripture is important to me because no matter how hard things get, I have to remember that God will never forget about me and the work that he is doing in me is good. I know that I am meant to be apart of something large in Gods kingdom, we are all. I have to remember that I have to be David. I have to face my Goliath full on with what God has armed me with and faith in Gods plan.

I have plans. I have dreams. And a lot of times I allow Goliath to stomp all over them. But not anymore. Recently, I have learned something that changes my whole perspective on this fight called mental illness.

“You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it.” -Margaret Thatcher

Thank you for reading my thoughts. Please remember to pray for one another.

March 7, 2021March 7, 2021

Day 5 of 150 Days of Psalm Challenge

Hello Friends,

Welcome back to 150 days of Psalms Challenge. Friends, today was a challenge. I have so many blessings coming my way right now, but I’m also battling my own demons. It’s confusing to be honest. My blessings are coming at a time that I feel undeserving because I find myself summoning to the desires of my demons. I have to remind myself that this is not my fight, but sometimes the weight of the world becomes too must be bear. Either way, I wanted to get that off of my chest. That’s my “whoa is me” moment for the post.

My sponsor says I have to work on being consistent and forth coming with my truth. Unfortunately, that’s the one thing that I suck at the most; consistency! I say that to say, I apologize if any of you have been waiting for a chapter five post, but I also believe that everything happens in Gods timing, so hopefully this comes right on time for someone. It did for me.

Psalm 5

¹O Lord, hear me as I pray;
    pay attention to my groaning.
²Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God,
    for I pray to no one but you.
³Listen to my voice in the morning, Lord.
    Each morning I bring my requests to you and wait expectantly.

⁴O God, you take no pleasure in wickedness;
    you cannot tolerate the sins of the wicked.
⁵Therefore, the proud may not stand in your presence,
    for you hate all who do evil.
⁶You will destroy those who tell lies.
    The Lord detests murderers and deceivers.

⁷Because of your unfailing love, I can enter your house;
I will worship at your Temple with deepest awe.
⁸Lead me in the right path, O Lord,
or my enemies will conquer me.
Make your way plain for me to follow.

⁹My enemies cannot speak a truthful word.
    Their deepest desire is to destroy others.
Their talk is foul, like the stench from an open grave.
    Their tongues are filled with flattery.^[a]
¹⁰O God, declare them guilty.
    Let them be caught in their own traps.
Drive them away because of their many sins,
    for they have rebelled against you.

¹¹But let all who take refuge in you rejoice;
    let them sing joyful praises forever.
Spread your protection over them,
    that all who love your name may be filled with joy.
¹²For you bless the godly, O Lord;
    you surround them with your shield of love.

When I first read this chapter, my first thoughts were, “Oh no, God is mad at me because I do wicked things and I lie and deceive! There is no way God can forgive me for what I’ve done.” But then the Holy Spirit lead me back to the first three verses:

¹O Lord, hear me as I pray;
    pay attention to my groaning.
²Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God,
    for I pray to no one but you.
³Listen to my voice in the morning, Lord.
    Each morning I bring my requests to you and wait expectantly.

The words that stand out to me are “hear me, pay attention, listen, I pray, cry for help, listen to my voice, wait expectantly”. I am the daughter of the Most High. I can cry for help and He will hear me and listen to my voice as I pray. Since the beginning of Psalm, the author has been asking God to destroy his enemies. The author isn’t God enemy. You’re not God enemy. I am not God enemy. The evil forces working against Gods Kingdom and anyone crazy enough to go along with the plan is the enemy. At once, I too was crazy enough to go along with the plan to be Gods enemy, but thank you Jesus that He loved me too much to allow me to stay His enemy.

In the chapter, I believe the author is definitely warning us against the type of people not to hang around and most importantly what behaviors to watch in ourselves. I love how much of Gods love radiates from the Authors words. I feel safe after meditating on this chapter. The Author says a beautiful prayer for Gods people in the last two verses. How amazing is that? The person speaking is really going through it with this enemies and he is still remembers to pray for us!

Thank you all for sharing my thoughts tonight. I would love to hear your thoughts on the Psalm 5. What is God saying to you? What did you get out of it? I love you all and please don’t forget to pray for one another.

March 3, 2021

Day 4 of 150 Days of Psalm Challenge

Hello Friends,

I hope your day was just enjoyable as mine. Here in “confused St. Louis”, it was actually a really nice day. The sun was shining high in the bright blue sky and the unknown future seems doable every day. Although I am in day four of this challenge, I already feel a difference in my thought process. If there is one thing I have learned about this journey called life is that perception of our circumstances determines how we deal and feel about our circumstances. And when we keep my eyes focused on God, we are able to fall into His will and not our own, we are able to be of service to those around us and our loved ones, and we are able to have fun with the days that are gifted to us; knowing that we have a wonderful Heavenly Father and super cool Brother, Jesus who are strapped and prepared to take on my stress. So let’s get with it.

Psalm 4

¹Answer me when I call to you,
O God who declares me innocent.
Free me from my troubles.
Have mercy on me and hear my prayer.

²How long will you people ruin my reputation?
    How long will you make groundless accusations?
    How long will you continue your lies? Interlude
³You can be sure of this:
    The Lord set apart the godly for himself.
    The Lord will answer when I call to him.

⁴Don’t sin by letting anger control you.
Think about it overnight and remain silent. Interlude
⁵Offer sacrifices in the right spirit,
and trust the Lord.

⁶Many people say, “Who will show us better times?”
    Let your face smile on us, Lord.
⁷You have given me greater joy
    than those who have abundant harvests of grain and new wine.
⁸In peace I will lie down and sleep,
    for you alone, O Lord, will keep me safe.

Again, what a great chapter. The author reminds me a lot of myself. It seems, and I could be mistaken, that the author cares a lot about what people are saying about them (v. 2) when they are not around. I struggle with the same problem. When it comes to strangers, I can care less, but when it comes down to people I care about, I care about their perception of me, but the Lord says that His opinion of me is the only one that matters.

Galatians 1:10, NLT: “Obviously, I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.”

So I love how the authors continues to immediately go into praising God for all He has done. The author is also putting his complete faith into the power of God by trusting the promises that God has made us. That type of father is absolutely wonderful. They type of faith where we are staying in the face of adversity and still believe and trust in the power of God. Amen!

For me, this chapter is a reminder to keep pushing and persevering no matter what people have to say. I am on this journey because God has me on this journey. It is not for anyone to understand, judge, or scale, especially comparing myself to other around me. Thank you God for Your Word. Your power and love is incomprehensible and I’m proud to be the Princess of the Most High King. I thank You, I love You. Amen.

Thank you all for hearing my thoughts today. Please tune in tomorrow for Day 5 of 150 Days of Psalm Challenge. Love you all and please do not forget to pray for one another.

March 1, 2021

Day 3 of 150 Days of Psalm Challenge

Hello Friends,

Thank you for joining me on day 3 of the 150 days of Psalms Challenge. Technically, today is day four but yesterday was so busy, I actually forgot about it, so here we are. What matters is that we are here reading Gods Word together. If you are just now joining us, last week I encouraged my readers to read a chapter of Psalm a day and comment below on what God has revealed to us. If you have any questions or would like to message me privately, you can do so at harotianessentials@yahoo.com. Let’s dive in.

Psalm 3

¹O Lord, I have so many enemies;
so many are against me.
²So many are saying,
“God will never rescue him!” Interlude^[a]

³But you, O Lord, are a shield around me;
you are my glory, the one who holds my head high.
⁴I cried out to the Lord,
and he answered me from his holy mountain. Interlude

⁵I lay down and slept,
    yet I woke up in safety,
    for the Lord was watching over me.
⁶I am not afraid of ten thousand enemies
    who surround me on every side.

⁷Arise, O Lord!
    Rescue me, my God!
Slap all my enemies in the face!
    Shatter the teeth of the wicked!
⁸Victory comes from you, O Lord.
    May you bless your people.

Thank you, Father for such a wonderful chapter. This chapter came right on time for me. I love how the author David, at the beginning is asking why are people against him (v. 1) but he goes on praise God for what He has done and what He is going to do. David’s faith in Gods protection and promises is inspiring.

When we praise God in the midst of our struggles, we take the focus off of ourselves and onto God where it belongs. When we do that, we feel peace in the middle of the storm. We are also able to see, understand, and receive all of the blessings that God has in store for us.

I also love how David was like, “and God, slap them so hard you knock teeth from their grill!” 😂 Definitely sounds like one of my prayers.

Thank you Father God for keeping every last one of your promises. Thank you for protecting us against the seen and the unseen. Thank you Father for being willing to slap a few people on my behalf so that I won’t have to. Thank you Jesus for your unconditional love, mercy, and grace. I I pray that You continue to bless everyone in need of all of You. I praise you and lift your name of high. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

Thank you friends for reading my thoughts. Please comment below your thoughts on todays chapter. I love you all and please remember to pray for one another.

February 27, 2021

Day 2 of 150 Days of Psalms

Hello Friends,

Welcome back to our 150 days of Psalm challenge. To be honest, it was difficult sitting down today. My mind began to plan all of the other things that I needed to get done, but I found my way here with my Bible in hand. So let’s get to it.

Psalm 2

¹Why do the nations conspire^[a]
    and the peoples plot in vain?
²The kings of the earth rise up
    and the rulers band together
    against the Lord and against his anointed, saying,
³“Let us break their chains
    and throw off their shackles.”

⁴The One enthroned in heaven laughs;
    the Lord scoffs at them.
⁵He rebukes them in his anger
    and terrifies them in his wrath, saying,
⁶“I have installed my king
    on Zion, my holy mountain.”

⁷I will proclaim the Lord’s decree:

He said to me, “You are my son;
    today I have become your father.
⁸Ask me,
    and I will make the nations your inheritance,
    the ends of the earth your possession.
⁹You will break them with a rod of iron^[b];
    you will dash them to pieces like pottery.”

¹⁰Therefore, you kings, be wise;
    be warned, you rulers of the earth.
¹¹Serve the Lord with fear
    and celebrate his rule with trembling.
¹²Kiss his son, or he will be angry
    and your way will lead to your destruction,
for his wrath can flare up in a moment.
    Blessed are all who take refuge in him.

I love this chapter. Sometimes I feel that my problems are too big for God, but this chapter clearly states that God is bigger than any circumstance, any foe. I love how the author explains how fierce God comes to our defense when someone or something is threatening us. The Lord also graces us with His love and blessings while punishing the people or circumstance that is trying to destroy us.

Just like He stated in chapter one, anything we ask for, it will be given to us freely (v. 7-9). How wonderful is it that God fights our battles and He promises that we will find peace and blessings with Him? All we have to do is trust so we can see and be prepared for the blessings coming our way. God thank you for your guidance, grace, love, and strength. When we are weak, You are strong Father and we thank You for that. No problem, no illness, no virus, no circumstance is too big for you Father. Thank you Father God for such a wonderful gift.

Thank you all for reading my thoughts today. Please let me know what the Holy Spirit said to you while reading the chapter. I’m definitely interested to know.

Also, my plan is about to expire. I have started a GoFundMe account to renew my plan and keep my domain. If God puts it on your heart to donate, here is the link:

https://www.gofundme.com/f/2akg61gauo?member=8996410&sharetype=teams&utm_campaign=p_na+share-sheet&utm_medium=copy_link&utm_source=customer

I love you all and please don’t forget to pray for one another.

February 26, 2021

Day 1 of 150 Days of Psalms

Hello Friends,

Today is a glorious day. God woke me up this morning and gave me the grace and courage to blog today. I have been facing writers block. Mainly because I was distracting myself with the ways and stress of the world and not ways of the Word. I can blame mental illness, I can blame stress, or I can blame my circumstances. When the cold hard fact is my behavior lately has been very unbecoming of a princess of the Most High King, but thank you Jesus that we have a Heavenly Father that not only forgives, but shows grace, patience, and understanding while doing it. My mistakes are just that, mistakes. And my past is where it’s suppose to be, in the past…even if it was just a day or two ago. Nonetheless, today is a new day, day one. Day one for better choices. Day one for growing closer to God. Day one to become the woman I’m supposed to be.

Late last night, as I was meditating, God gave me an idea on what to do about our relationship and my writers block. For the next 150 days, I will read and blog about Psalm. It’s called 150 days of Psalms Challenge. I truly believe that the peace and clarity that I seek will be provided in these scriptures. I also believe that my soul will be restored with nothing but the Living Water and not the tainted water of my own personal desires. So, my posts will be short and sweet (let’s be honest, I am known to ramble so I can’t promise anything). I will let you guys knows what Psalm I read and talk about what in the scripture stood out to me and anything else God brings to mind for me to talk about. I’m excited about this journey and I hope you all will join me.

Psalm 1

¹Blessed is the one
    who does not walk in step with the wicked
or stand in the way that sinners take
    or sit in the company of mockers,
²but whose delight is in the law of the Lord,
    and who meditates on his law day and night.
³That person is like a tree planted by streams of water,
    which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither—
    whatever they do prospers.

⁴Not so the wicked!
    They are like chaff
    that the wind blows away.
⁵Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,
    nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous.

⁶For the Lord watches over the way of the righteous,
but the way of the wicked leads to destruction.

Wow! I would like to say that I did not read the first chapter before I started typing this blog. God, I love how You make your directions so clear for me to follow because whew, Chile! The Lord knows I can be hardheaded. For me, this chapter verifies how I’ve been feeling about my behavior lately. Last week, I spoke to my mentor about it and she said, “Ashleygirl, you bring the company you keep spirits into your home. Even if they do not come into your home.” Today, that makes even more sense then the day she said it.

Also, my takeaway is, if I delight myself in God’s Word, I would become like “trees planted by streams of water – whatever they do propers”. If you’ve ever seen a tree near a stream of water, you will know how tall and strong they are. They are known to face some of the worst weather conditions and still flourish. Why? Because they are rooted deep in a never ending supply of fresh water. Following the ways of the world has gotten me frustrated, angry, careless, reckless, relentless, and so much more; that sounds like chaff (scaly parts of seeds or flowers/finely chopped straw) blowing away in the wind to me (v. 4); unproductive and unpredictable.

In this chapter, to me, God promises that if I immerse myself in His Word, that everything I do according to His Will will prosper. Hmmm…. 🤔 Ok, God, sounds like a deal to me.

Thank you friends for reading my thoughts and spending this time with me. Let’s do this together. I’m excited to see where we are at the end of the 150 days.

January 29, 2021January 30, 2021

The Disease of Addiction

The disease of addiction spreads like a wildfire. It destroys everything and everyone in it’s path; leaving nothing but destruction in its wake. It only takes seconds to destroy life long relationships and memories. And if you’re fortunate, and can take years to rebuild. It doesn’t care if you have children, if you’re a small business owner, a wife, a mother, a child. It doesn’t care if you’re rich or poor. It doesn’t care about your social status or achievements. It doesn’t care about you or me.

Addiction is the most selfish lover you would ever have. She will take and take from you, only leaving you scraps of satisfaction in the end. Sooner or later, her appetite grows bigger and stronger. Then one day, you wake up and realize she has completely taken over your life. You look around and your friends and family have all disappeared. You go to the ATM to find you are overdrawn by hundreds. You are in complete shambles. Lost. Shaken. Confused.

We can be addicted to anything. We all know this, right? But how much is it taking over your life? How much time do you spend wanting and thinking about one thing? Have we put ourselves or a loved one in jeporedy to obtain this one thing?

The disease of addiction is a powerful. I have seen it in action with my own eyes. If we pay close attention, we will see the disease spread throughout a small space within minutes. The disease of addiction breeds with hate, depression, anxiety, fear, self-loathing, etc. And whenever you have a small group of people, for instance who are experiencing the above emotions, the disease of addiction grows more intense. The desire of wanting to escape from the hell of mental anguish is beyond words. Even the craziest of ideas will sounds like great one if it means we will have release from what we are currently feeling. We are literally in the fire. And it burns ever single moment of every single day.

So, how can we battle this? The disease of addiction is very present and alive. So, how do we fight against it. Because truth be told, everyone is affected by the disease of addiction; wether you are the user or the loved ones of the user or the people, related or unrelated, who are affected by our poor choices. One way to fight the disease of addiction is stop feeding the fire. The addiction feeds the disease. The more we feed it the more it grows and the hunger it gets. Also, surround ourselves with a community of “firefighters”. We may have lost people due to hurt that has been caused, but nows the time to allow God to introduce us to new people. Everyone comes and leaves our lives when they have served their purpose and vice versa. When God brings new people into our lives, they are there for a reason or season.

The disease of addiction doesn’t have to live long if we don’t let it. We can work hard to cut it off at the head so it no longer continues to grow.

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.
Corinthians 10:13

Fortunately, God loves us through our addictions, our pain, our struggles. God guides us through the process and the journey. The journey to clean living is not an easy one. It requires honesty and dedication to the truth of God and who we are to Him. The enemy will try to get us to believe that addiction is all we need. That the disease of addiction is incurable and it is a prison that we will never be able to escape from.

It’s not true! Its a lie from the pits of hell. We are already forgiven. We are already saved from the prison of addiction. And we have everything we need to walk in the purpose that God has set for our lives. All is required of us is a little faith because the Bible says that only a little faith can move a mountain (Matthew 17:20).

Thank you so much for reading my thoughts today. I appreciate and love every single one of you. Please remember to pray for one another and a little faith is all you need.

September 17, 2020February 26, 2021

The Day I Felt Nothing

Hello Friends,

It was like any other day, secretely, unknowingly, holding on to hope that a person is capable of real change. I came to this realization when I found myself terribly upset when someone did what they are known for doing. Honestly, what kind of person would allow themselves to continue to get terribly upset at the fact that a leopard cannot change its spots? What kind of person would allow themselves to go into a mental coma simply because the sun is rising and setting as it should each day.

On this special day something miraculous happened. I was able to see the error in my ways. I was able to realize that no matter what I did, things that are meant to be will simply be. Whether I agree with how they are or not. A leopard will always have their spots, the IRS will always want their money, and the sun will always rise in the east and set in the west.

As my eyes were opened, my heart slowly began stepping out of the woods covering her eyes from the glare. Asking herself, “Am I out?” She immediately feels lighter and safer. She feels the warm sun and its making her radiant, inside and out. She stretches out her arms and legs. She sits up straight realizing she has been hunched over for too long. She looks out in front of her towards the tall trees and the beautiful skyline. She sees everyone that has been calling her name, directing her out of the dark forest. She sees Jesus, family, friends, loved ones. She drops to her knees and apologizes for ever doubting his love and power. Now as she furthers into the unknown of her journey, she is set free. Happily tackling every obstacle like the warriors we are.

I was feeling good after this experience, but then there was something else I needed to do. A ritual I kind of developed since I was a teenager, I suppose. To be honest, I never thought about it until after I did it this last time. Although this particular night where the crickets were extra loud and the cool breeze was blowing around my hair, I went to the gas station and bought a pack of cigarettes. I was never a regular smoker. I guess someone you would call a social smoker. Anyway, the last time I had a cigarette was almost seven years ago when I became clean. I sat outside in my car, lit a cigarette, and started jamming to old school R&B. I listened to everyone from Switch to Keyshia Cole to Jeremih. Sang. Lit another one. Sang. Took a deep breath and I felt nothing. No pain. No guilt. No condemnation. No confusion. No jealousy. No curiosity. No death.

This beautiful women is not me, by the way! ☺️

There is absolutely nothing in this world like freedom. You guys! You have no idea how many times I thought I wasn’t going to make it. I thought this torture was going to last forever. I was fighting myself everyday. Literally battling with the world and the Word; trying to stick to the idea that there is an entity that claims to be The Creator of all AND on top of that loves me unconditionally?? Me?? But this….this moment, that day, me graduating college, homeschooling during a pandemic (and I’m not going to get into all of the things we had going on) and today, TODAY… my heart and I are walking hand in hand out of the forest.

“For the Son of Man came to seek and save those who are lost.” -Luke 19:10

Jesus is with me. He is with you. Every step I take in trusting him, the more I fell comfortable trusting him. Thank God he is not a liar nor manipulator like the real enemy. Once God helped me to realize that it is not our loved ones who intend on hurting us, but the influence of an evil entity, it helps recognizing that days like the day I felt nothing needs to happen more often. In saying that, not everything is Satan’s fault. God is more powerful and is calling all of us to do something with our existence to continue to spread the Message. It is our responsibility to either answer or not answer. And when we answer, we will become mentally and spiritually aware that we are free. Then we will be living and acting like the Princes and Princess’ we truly are. Not allowing ourselves to be feed table scrapes when we have banquet tables awaiting us.

Thank you so very much for allowing me to share my thoughts. I love you all and please remember to pray for one another.

P.S. I didn’t finish the cigarettes. After the two, I was cool as a breeze and threw the rest of the pack away. Weird ritual for closure, I guess. *shrugs*

August 31, 2020August 31, 2020

A New Creation

Hello Friends,

Thank you all for sticking with me this far. Some of you have been following my journey since day one. Thank you to my new followers as well. The past three years have been a roller coaster ride. Not the fun kind, but definitely necessary.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve carried around fear and sadness. It has caused me to make decisions, good and bad, that most people wouldn’t understand.

Three years ago, God started to gut me like a fish, removing all of the remnants of each encounter, each bad decision, each mistake. All of the shame, guilt, fear, sadness, etc. had to come out in order for me to walk in the purpose God has set for me. And that crap hurt! Sometimes still does. He has removed certain people out of my life that I once thought I could never live without. God has helped me forgive those who I thought I would never be able to forgive. He has given me the strength to love those I was determined to hate.

What’s the difference between the Ashley three years ago and the Ashley today? Complete and utter surrender. Understanding that my life is not my own and when I try to control my life and the outcome of certain situations, I get in my own way and fall straight on my face. Ugh! And man, that hurts, too! I ultimately create my own misery.

I used to believe people when they would say, “Life is pain. You just have to deal with it.” That’s not true. I’m going to shame the devil by dropping this fun fact: once we accept Jesus, surrender to God’s will and not our own, life becomes beautiful. Reread that. Everything is possible that once felt impossible. We are able to pour into other people what God is pouring into us. We begin to bear the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

I’m not saying things arent going to be challenging, but I have good news. The more challenges we face, the more opportunity we have to draw closer to Abba Father. The closer we draw to God, the more we trust Him. The more we trust Him, the easier we are able to see our circumstances through our Fathers eyes and not our own, which is awesome because my vision is tore up from the floor up. OK, maybe I shouldn’t bring that phrase back, but I tried. 🤪

The picture above is me in 2018; sick, depressed, 99 pounds soaking wet. I was stressed all of the time. I was trying to do everything in my own strength (which as you can see wasn’t much), including trying to control those around me to fit my agenda on what I thought life was suppose to look like.

The above picture was taken five days ago. I am a healthy 100 and something pounds 😁 and have completely surrendered to the Lord who’s agenda for my life and the lives of my children is so much better than my own.

The road to recovery is not a easy one, nor is it for the faint in heart. Every morning I have to pull up my big girl draws and remind myself that Gods will is better than mine. Surrendering is tough, especially when you’re stubborn, selfish, and arrogant like myself. But thank the Lord Jesus Christ that I get a fresh start each morning to do better than the day before.

Thank you for reading my thoughts today. I love each and every one of you. Please don’t forget to pray for one another. Remember, we can disagree and still love on each other.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. -2 Corinthians 5:17

April 21, 2020April 20, 2020

Happy Anniversary

Hello Friends,

Yesterday was my husbands and I wedding anniversary. At first, it wasn’t on my mind because my kids and I were so busy getting acclimated to the new online school systems that were assigned to them. That in it self was enough work to keep my brain occupied from any feelings, let alone bad ones. We could have had a hurricane come through our neighborhood and I wouldn’t have noticed, we were so busy.

Anyway, after everything cooled down and I looked down at my phone, it hit me: April 20, 2020. “WOW! It’s our anniversary.” I’m unable to say what I felt because so many emotions began flooding in. The other day, I blogged about allowing yourself to feel your emotions in order to move past them, but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t allow myself to feel everything that was happening in my heart. It was too overwhelming. So, I sat down and wrote what was on my mind. I honestly don’t think it makes any sense, but I would like to share it. Why? I don’t know. Maybe I will look back at this day, at this moment, and then, it will make sense. But for now, here it it.

Happy Anniversary

Do you think about me?
I think about you.
I’m reminded by my ring finger that is tattooed.
I’m reminded when our son tells a joke,
One that you would’ve said in order to soak,
Up the stress and discomfort that weighed on our chest,
When life became a utter mess.
Thank you for being apart of all of our great memories,
That good, the bad, and the ugly.
I will never forget the joy that you brought,
During some of our most darkest days apart.
But I no longer can focus on what we used to have,
Yet instead I have to focus on my relationship with God.
It’s time to bid ado for now,
Maybe in the future we can say a proper goodbye,
Without the anger, accusation and nastiness that used to come along with it,
Because there used to be a time where this would’ve never been the case.
I have to give my heart to Jesus now,
He’s the only one that can help me so I will take a bow,
From all that I thought was right, pure, and loving,
And focus on my real true love,
Hint: I’m His Beloved.

Thank you for reading my thoughts today. Please remember to pray for one another. Love you all!

“When you pass through the waters, I (God) will be with you; And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, Nor shall the flame scorch you.” -Isaiah 43:2
Parenthesis added

April 14, 2020April 14, 2020

When Your Bed Becomes Your Desk

Hello Friends,

What a fruitful week this has been. I cannot say that I have been able to accomplish all of the things that I’ve wanted to do, but I can say that I am not easily overwhelmed as I used to be. I am forced to accept things as they are. It’s either that or have a nervous breakdown annndddddd who literally has time for that?!?

Yesterday I would say has been the best day I have had in a very long time. It was just like any other day accept:

God granted me the serenity to accept the things I could not change
Courage to change the things that I could
Wisdom to know the difference

Whew! Thank you Jesus. The kids were fighting, the house was (well, who am I kidding?) IS a mess, and I’m a little behind on homework, me and the kids. But it’s ok. I also found myself giggling at the sounds of my kids arguing with each other over who’s fart smells the worst after eating the easter eggs we painted. Or walking into a room finding Rj dancing like a wild man, Christian cheering him on, and Hannah recording it. It was like….pure bliss. PLUS, I still made time to do the things I wanted to do, not what I had to do.

I started researching how to start my new up and coming podcast! That’s right people! I’m starting a podcast. I’ll keep you up to date on that.
I doodled in my notebook
I attended my online support group
And drum roll please…….I got the kids in bed before 10pm. BOOM! *drops mic*

What I would literally be doing if my hip didn’t feel like it was able to pop out of place

*Picks mic back up cause Im not done* To sum up, in the words of Ice Cube, “Today was a good day…” And I thank you all and many others for your prayers. God is an awesome God, but prayers definitely make a difference, so thank you from the bottom of my heart.

So, why did I title this blog, “When Your Bed Becomes Your Desk”? Well, this is the first time since my separation that I don’t feel so alone in my bed. Since my kids prefer to sleep in their own beds, tonight I am surrounded by the things I enjoy the most: my bible, writing equipment, my kids art work, reading material, and complete silence.

Tonight, while doing my bible study, I came across this scripture:

…he saved us, not because of the righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He washed away our sins, giving us a new birth and a new life through the Holy Spirit
Titus 3:5

To me, this is God reaffirming that everything will continue to be ok because that was His intent when Jesus died for us. He never promised sunshine and rainbows everyday, but after every storm, the sun shines and the rain….bows (even the wind and waves obey him -Mark 4:41). And yesterday, was my sunshine and rainbows. Without his mercy, I wouldn’t be able to enjoy my kids smelly farts and messy tendencies, their flaws overcrowding my flaws because the same love that my Father has for me, I am able to extend to them. The same grace and mercy my Father has for me, Jesus’ overflowing water runneth over to them. And that is the best gift that the Lord can ever give to me during this quarantine.

Thank you for reading my thoughts tonight. It is currently 1:25am and I should really scoot this stuff over and go to sleep. Nah, screw it, I’ll get comfy on the couch and sleep there. Anyway, love you all and please remember to pray for one another.

April 9, 2020April 8, 2020

A Dollop of Gratitude

Hey Friends,

If you have been keeping up, I’ve kind of been going through it. The past couple of post were written in the middle of night when my mind refuses to turn off and only concentrate on what I am missing. Like I said in my “Do I Have A Future?” https://harotianessentials.org/2020/03/28/do-i-have-a-future/ post, there are many nights that I miss my best friend and companion. It’s funny how no matter what a person has done or said, your mind will always remember the great times that was shared. I believe that my mind kicks into self-preservation mode so I won’t become to overwhelmed by the reality of what has lead to our current circumstance. It definitely doesn’t help that the kids and I live in the same house that we shared and having a constant reminder of our wedding vowels from tattoos that we got together. Lesson learned!

But, I am so tired of whining. I’m tired of being hurt. I’m tired of giving life and attention to something that no longer exist. I love that I am able to get our my feelings in a healthy way, but I also feel like it’s keeping me stuck. I’m ready to move on, move forward, and move directly into Gods purpose for me. This tragedy is suppose to teach me, strengthen me, and direct me to become the Ashley I’ve always wanted to become and more. It reminds me that God says that our faith in Him will allow Him to do more for us than we have ever imagined.

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. -Ephesians 3:20

As I’ve been doing some self-reflection and mediating through godly counsel and secular counseling, I have come to understand that the trauma that I faced growing up has carried into my adulthood. Although I am hurt, I fully understand that I played a large part in the dissolution of my marriage. I asked him to repair hurt that only God can heal. I’ve asked him to love me in which God only can. And because he is hurting and broken from his own issues, like the rest of us, he buckled under the pressure. I am not, by all means, excusing his behavior, it’s just God has allowed me to see things from my husbands perspective. It has allowed the forgiveness process to run a little bit more smoothly. I find myself having compassion for him, when sometimes I think I should still be angry.

In order for me to be happy and move forward, I have to begin to grieve what was lost growing up. Some where along the way, I learned that I am only worthy of conditional love, where my self-worth is that of a non-human being. That is not my husbands fault, nor is it his responsibility to fix it. Not only is it Gods responsibility, but He wants to do it. The amazing thing about God is that He knows exactly what I need to heal those broken parts of me so I can move on to something more real and substantial even if I don’t understand it. Which is amazing because my plate is already full.

In order for me to allow God to move in my life to fill my hurt with His love and my brokenness with His grace, I have to move out of my own way. I have to let go of what I thought was perfect for me so He can do what is actually perfect for me. Recently, I have been writing down the benefits that I have experienced since the separation:

I’ve definitely grown closer to God
I pray a lot more
I take my meds more consistently. Before I used to be so distracted by what was being said and done behind my back, it was hard for me to focus on anything else.
I’m allowing God to make me better, not bitter. I am constantly asking God to help me to not only forgive him, but other people that have hurt me.
I have the courage to face my own flaws, such as, codependency, unjust love, and the hurt that I have caused others.
I have stepped into forgiving myself while realizing I am forgiven by the Lord
I am able to concentrate on loving and seeing myself the way God sees me, thus, being able to love my children the way He does

And this is just to name of few. I am excited that God is working within me. Sometimes, yes, the hurt is unbearable, but that’s when we hold onto those promises:

When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer. -Psalm 94:19
I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. -Romans 15:13
He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. -Psalm 40:2

Well, that is all I have for today. Wait, ha! I finally made a short post. In your face self-pity! Anyway, thank you all for reading my thoughts. I love you and please remember to pray for one another.

God provides the core needs of our life for love, acceptance, and significance. There is not a person in the world who is able to give us exactly what we need except God Himself. And we can claim the promise of Philippians 4:19: ‘And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus’. But remember, God will meet your true needs, not necessarily your perceived needs.
-Stephanie Tucker, The Christian Codependence Recovery Workbook