Ah, it feels good to be back after a long hiatas. Since my absence, I was able to earn a master’s degree in healthcare administration and become gainfully employed as an substitute teacher and a crisis response clinician with the metropolitan police in my city. I love what I do and the goals that I have been able to achieve.
For those of you who have been with me for a long time, you know that my love for writing can only be compared to a love that exists beyond expectations, circumstances, or personal gain. So, when I go a long time without spending time with my first love, I begin to feel it in my soul. The urning for inspiration to write becomes unbearable.
Next, I struggle with “what do I write about?” In the past when i get writers block, I would submit a discussion that is research based. I would pick a topic, research the topic, and report my findings. This way of doing things created content, not sentiment. Or maybe it did. Hopefully, I was guided by the Holy Spirit to find and research that particular topic so that it can reach the masses. I dont know, either way, I digress. The past few weeks, I’ve picked up a pen and pad, desperately hoping my soul would pour itself onto the page, but nothing comes out. It feels hallow, like something is missing. Then, Eureka! I know what is missing…pain!
Throughout history, pain has been in the center of many great works created by artist who were struggling with emotionally and/or physical pain. Famous examples would be Dutch post-impressionist artist Vincent van Gogh, who created masterpieces such as The Starry Night, struggled with severe mental illness and ultimately documented his experiences in his paintings. Another example is singer and performer, Billie Holiday, whose soulful voice graced us with Strange Fruit. Yet, it was her struggle with substance abuse and painful life experiences that allowed her to connect with the hearts of her fans. And like so many others, I too, find myself creating works of art when pain is in the passenger seat.
So, here I am, having the desire to create, but no longer have my side seat companion. I felt trapped between the desire to write, yet struggling with the emptiness with feeling like I have nothing to say. Then a situation arose that forced me to question my identity, my values, and the intentions of certain people in my life. Self-reflection is the only disposition that I can allow at this moment to better understand my role in things going side ways in this situation. Yet, during my moment of self-reflection, I had a “a-ha!” moment followed by the strong desire to write. Thus leading us here. FI-NA-LLY! I have something to write without the nuisance of Pain patiently waiting to come along for the ride of discovery and enlightenment. Finally, I have the desire to be present with myself and share my thoughts, while becoming free from the constant mental chatter.
I know what you’re saying. “Ok, Ashley, get to the point already. What do you want to talk to us about?” Well, my good people, it’s very simple: severance, specifically with people.
Back in the day, when someone would leave my life, in one way or another, I would selfishly think it was fault and take the demise of our union personally. I would plague myself with questions, fixating on thoughts that did not matter and blaming myself. I convinced myself that I did something wrong for this person to distance themselves from me. However, during this season of becoming upgraded Ashley 2.0 model, my perspective has shifted as to why people exit stage left from The Ashley Show. Let’s dive a little deeper into this thought.
I recently had someone tell me that they felt they couldn’t be friends with me anymore due to something I did. To me, it wasn’t wrong or malicious. It wasn’t done out of spite or deception. Instead, at the time, it seemed like a way to resolve an unrelated issue we were dealing with at the time. Yet, the other party, obviously did not feel the way. The person thought the decision I made was intentionally derespectfully to their pesonal situation, resulting in feelings of betrayal of trust and the dissipation of our friendship. The old Ashley would have taken this breakup very hard. And I use the word breakup because, although this person and I were friends in the most platonic way possible, I deeply cared for this person and sincerely thought we were best friends for life. So the process of not talking to this person, hanging out with this person, and sharing initimate convesations with this person is going to become an adjustment. I would have blamed myself, convinced there was something I done have done better during the friendship to keep it going. Thank God I am not the old Ashley.
The upgraded Ashley 2.0 model believes in the saying, “everything is for a reason and a season” or how God politely explains in Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 NIV:
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.”
In other words, things happen when they are supposed to happen and it appropriate to let them go. In this paragraph, God didn’t explain the “whys” behind the purpose and benefits of his timing. That is more so, what we learn during life experience, right? I am currently in a season of loving myself and the journey that the Father has me on. I was always so hyper focused on the goal, I missed the fun along the way, the reasons and seasons.
I am also learning that when God says He’s a jealous God, He means it (Exodus 20:5). God’s displeasure is not compared to human jealously, but his inate desire to have a faithful relationship with His children and disapproval for idolatry. In my experience, if we don’t remove the false idol ourselves, God will certainly do it for us. Or He may let us sit in it and learn our lesson from disobedience. Either way, it is for our God whether we feel like it is or not. For the sake of this article, I would use my friendship with as a displeasure to God. I depended on this person for what I should have been depending on God for. God wanted my attention and He tried, in many way, to get it before the decline of our friendsship. I saw signs of toxicity and chose to ignore them. This friendship, through my decisions, was pulling me away from God in a unhealthy manner.
I will end this article with God is so, so good. When I began working on this piece, I was hurting in ways that were new to me. It seems that just when I think things or people cannot get worse, they do. Yet, I am glad because I am a better person for all of it. Even through the trials, I am enjoying my life and each day that the Lord gives me to make better decisions., to build stronger relationships, to help those who need it. I’m learning that each person has there own battle to face. Some people face their battles with integrity and tenacity. Some people face their battles with malice and blame. And both are ok because no matter what we feel or how we feel it, the Lord has the final say.
Thank you for reading my thoughts. I love you all. Please remember to pray for yourselves and each other.
Healing with Harotian 